I excused myself from dinner tonight to go and hack away at my beard. It had been bothering me for a while, and I felt that a change was in order. So I took a pair of scissors from the medicine cabinet and started cutting it away from my face in massive, white clumps. After a few minutes of this, I looked in the mirror and saw the following looking back at me. I hadn’t intended to develop a new beardstyle, but I think I came up with something pretty beautiful, a kind of bi-level construction comprised of a classic, pointed Van Dyke with a whimsical undergirding of neck beard.
My family, when I showed them, lost their shit. One cannot simply float a goatee above a neck beard, they told me. I thanked them for their input, but told them that I was going to wear it to work tomorrow. “I just want to try it out for a day or two,” I said to them. I must have been pretty convincing, because they believed me. They begged me not to. Clementine told me that she wouldn’t be seen in public with me. Linette tried a different approach. She just stared blankly in the direction of my face and silently shook her heard. I looked back at them like they were crazy. “I think it’s really nice,” I told them. “And I’m pretty sure the folks at work won’t even notice it.” I let it go on for way too long. By they time I told them that I was just kidding, they were almost in tears… For what it’s worth, though, I really did like it. I thought it looked distinguished. And why is it that neck beards are off-limits in the workplace anyway? Who decided that mustaches were alright, but that long, grey, neck beards weren’t? I’m too old to be at the forefront of this fight, but it needs to happen. For the sake of future generations, someone needs to pick up the cause of the Van Dyke neck beard combo and make it happen.