The family photo that could get me into Congress

This is the best picture we’ve ever taken as a family. Our friend Leisa Thompson took it about a year ago. For reasons that still aren’t quite clear to me, we were hanging out inside a giant piece of sculpture at the time. We had a print of it made, and it’s hanging upstairs, about six feet from where I’m tying this now. I’ve never thought seriously about running for public office, but it’s hard to look at it and not think, “I could win a Congressional race with this.”

AnonymousFamilyPhoto2013

I wonder if anyone’s ever run for office just because, by some quirk of fate, they’d taken an incredibly good family photo. I suspect they have.

Even if I’d wanted to run for office, I couldn’t. I’ve said too much. Just a few weeks ago, I was standing in a group of a dozen or so people, explaining to them at there was nothing so ugly in all the world as an all-white baby. I was only half serious, of course, but I can see how my opponents might be tempted to take something like that and run with it. And then there was that unfortunate stretch, about ten years ago, when a shockingly large percentage of the posts here were about ball shaving. And I’m sure that’s just scratching the surface. If someone was really motivated to destroy me, who knows what they might find by digging through the archives of this site…

update: On a whim, I spent ten minutes going through the archive, looking for things that could possibly derail a political career, and found, among other things, evidence of me begging a porn star to find me a writing job in the industry, and a watercolor that I’d done of my penis, which I referred to as majestic… So, no need to worry Debbie Dingell, you’re safe this time.

update: I didn’t, by the way, obscure the eyes of my wife, son and daughter in the photo above because I was embarrassed of them. I did it because I was embarrassed for them. It’s one thing to ruin one’s own political career by posting about being thrown off of Romper Room for spitting and having a fetish for Mary Todd Lincoln. It’s another, though, to have one’s political career thwarted in middle school by a father intent on over-sharing in public.

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11 Comments

  1. koosh
    Posted August 18, 2014 at 9:22 pm | Permalink

    that picture does look congressional. if you had really just shaved your balls, you’d probably be scratching and not smiling as much.

    but the more i look at it, i get the impression that you stole that baby.

  2. Posted August 18, 2014 at 9:29 pm | Permalink

    Anthony Weiner is not only named weiner, but he likes to send pictures of his weiner to people. Clinton loved poking his dingie into willing places. A couple of Congressmen have (allegedly) “disappeared” their interns, for Chrissake. I wouldn’t worry about one majestic penis. You’ll be fine.

  3. Posted August 18, 2014 at 9:31 pm | Permalink

    By the way, I would have spit on Romper Room, too. On the rare occasions she would say my name while looking into her stupid magic mirror, she almost always said “Pat”. My name is “Patti”, not “Pat”, despite what my mother said when she tried to console me. Stupid magic mirror.

  4. grandma
    Posted August 18, 2014 at 9:48 pm | Permalink

    I just want to know how Leisa got you to smile. I’ve been trying for 45 years. (You smiled your first year!)

  5. Elviscostello
    Posted August 18, 2014 at 10:27 pm | Permalink

    Mark, I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. I think you just have to run in a state or district that doesn’t mind the past, as long as you are white (oops) right on the issues. Look at GOP Sen. Diaper Dave Vitter from Louisiana, who was dressing up in diapers with a prostitute, and still went on to reelection as a moral majority conservative. Look at Rep. Steve DesJarlians, a dcotor, and moral conservative who screwed his patient, and coerced her and his wife to have abortions. Reelected in the most recent GOP primary. You just have to ignore the moral principles in your private life that you espouse in your public life, and getting caught, well, looks like that is just a minor hazard.

  6. Lisa H
    Posted August 19, 2014 at 7:32 am | Permalink

    I love how you discuss “ball shaving” and then use the term “just scratching the surface” in the next sentence. Was that on purpose or just a funny coincedence?

  7. John Galt
    Posted August 19, 2014 at 11:55 am | Permalink

    “Mark Maynard: He’s such a socialist he’s raising his family INSIDE ‘public’ art!”

  8. Eel
    Posted August 19, 2014 at 1:41 pm | Permalink

    You’re over thinking it. The response from your opponents would be two words. Race. Traitor.

  9. Posted August 19, 2014 at 3:43 pm | Permalink

    Is that really your grandma, Mark? That is so cool! I can picture a baby Mark…the same glasses, life hadn’t yet beaten him down, eyes twinkling….

  10. Posted August 19, 2014 at 4:23 pm | Permalink

    Interesting.

  11. Minal Hajratwala
    Posted August 20, 2014 at 7:57 am | Permalink

    Mark Maynard says he’s a family man, but why won’t he reveal his family’s eyes? Are they born in Kenya? Are they Muslims or illegal aliens or space invaders? We just don’t know…

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  1. […] want more than I’m able to pay, which means that, within a very short period of time, any dreams I may have had concerning a run for Congress, will be […]

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