In defense of my beautiful body… majestic penis

Last night, in a post about a new bar in Ypsi, I noted my dislike of trough urinals. This admission attracted the following comment from an Ypsilantian by the name of Karen.

If you’re ashamed of your penis that much, you should get a catheter for when you go out to eat.

In a later comment, she went on to speculate that I may suffer from “discoloration problems,” or that there may be something unusual going on with my testicles.

Well, after consulting with my family, and several local clergymen, I’ve decided to make a statement.

There’s nothing wrong with my penis.

Truth is, I just don’t much enjoy excreting bodily fluids in front of strangers.

For what it’s worth, I also try my best not to poop in front of people that I don’t know.

And, I should add, that has nothing to do with the shape, coloration or functionality of my anus. (It’s exquisite, by the way.) I just think that some things are best kept private.

But, as I know that many of you, like Karen, are suspicious by nature, and think that there’s some kind of penile deformity lurking beneath the crotch of my Toughskins, I’ve asked Linette to submit a sworn affidavit describing every subtle nuance of my genitalia. (She’s been keeping detailed notes on it for close to two decades now, so the report should be somewhat exhaustive, and I’m hoping that it will put any lingering doubts to rest once and for all.) And, if this doesn’t satisfy Karen and the other Penile Truthers in the audience, I’ll submit to examination by a neutral party (preferably someone with a lab coat).

And, for what it’s worth, my mother says that I have a beautiful body.

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  1. Posted January 25, 2012 at 12:20 am | Permalink

    Does anyone remember that there was an outcry from the Tea Party, at the height of the so-called Birther movement, demanding photos of Obama’s penis? They apparently thought that his circumcision, or lack there of, would prove something.

    And how ironic that I’d be forced to release this penis information the same day that Romney was forced to share his tax records.

  2. dirtgrain
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 5:38 am | Permalink

    We demand the long form.

  3. Edward
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 6:23 am | Permalink

    Subpoena Hasan!

  4. Edward
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 6:26 am | Permalink

    I think I know your secret.

  5. Anthony anonymous
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 7:40 am | Permalink

    I can wear a lab coat.

  6. j
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 9:00 am | Permalink

    The City has made an official statement:

  7. anonymous
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 9:21 am | Permalink

    Given the nastiness of the comments, I’m guessing Karen Maurer. Am I right?

  8. Jebus H. Keeriste
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 9:26 am | Permalink

    Yep, nothing egomaniacal about Mark Maynard. Even the jokes he turns back on himself are narcissistic. The tool he should be hiding from the public is himself.

  9. Eel
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 9:35 am | Permalink

    Technically, I think it’s a schlong form, Dirtgrain.

  10. Doctor Rodriguez
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 9:50 am | Permalink

    I am new to the area. I am a doctor from Spain. I would be honored to do the analysis.

    Dr. Alberto Rodriguez

  11. Steve Swan
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 11:32 am | Permalink

    Karen, given that you’re apparently cool with urinating in front of people, I was wondering if perhaps I could watch sometime.

  12. miche
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 12:01 pm | Permalink

    Hi Mark. :) Miles thinks that trough urinals are ‘too splashy’ as well. Do you find that to be the case? And who is this ‘Karen’ anyway — aren’t you allowed to say what your preferences are when it comes to the loo? Maybe she prefers the heated seat kind with the little warm air blower that gently dries you off after the ‘refreshing’ cleanse. Sheesh.

  13. Eel
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    If Karen refuses your request, Steve, there can only be one explanation. She’s ashamed of her mottled vulva.

  14. Anonymous Mike
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm | Permalink

    I’m sure you’ve already caught on, but Dr. Rodriguez is not what he seems. Please do not allow him to inspect your junk.

  15. Anonymatt
    Posted January 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm | Permalink

    Now I’ve got that song “If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me” stuck in my mind. Combined with the last line in this post, it’s creeping me out.

  16. Mr. X
    Posted January 26, 2012 at 9:47 am | Permalink

    J, if I give you a few bucks, can you put other messages up on the city’s website? I’d like to, for instance, compliment a woman I say today wearing a sweatshirt with a giant airbrushed image of Fred Sanford on the front. I think that deserves an official shout-out from the city.

  17. Larry
    Posted January 26, 2012 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    $5 to the first person who either asks Karen in person to watch her pee, or tries to console her about her mottled vulva.

  18. Elimina
    Posted July 12, 2012 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    I looked for a review of your penis on Yelp and could not find one.

  19. Luceli
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 6:35 am | Permalink

    I’m plaster casting the peni of famous bloggers in Washtenaw County, and would like to get yours eventually. I am a 70 year old manand. We’d your help preparing the plaster though.

  20. Josh
    Posted August 31, 2012 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

    Karen Maurer drew me a picture this morning of what she imagines your penis to look like, and it was magnificent.

  21. Eugenia Jones
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 3:33 am | Permalink

    Karen showed it to me too. She intends to get it tattooed on herself. I believe the idea it to have it wrapped around her ankle.

  22. Debora
    Posted September 13, 2012 at 11:46 am | Permalink

    It’s the motion of the Segway. It gets her excited.

  23. Charles
    Posted September 30, 2012 at 10:57 pm | Permalink

    Thanks a lot for the helpful write-up. I had no idea about our penis. One hopes that it’s sill in great shape 50 years from now, in spite of the shortness of breath, chest pains, and persistent coughing.

  24. Trisha
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    Thank you for this blog. I have spent the past ten years alone. You are my only friend.

  25. koosh
    Posted October 16, 2012 at 8:40 pm | Permalink

    was the previous comment directed towards mark? or his penis?

  26. Posted October 16, 2012 at 10:54 pm | Permalink

    I like to imagine that all comments left on this site are addressed to my penis.

  27. Christa
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 3:54 am | Permalink

    I came to this site searching for information about your penis. I was not disappointed. I found this to be a very thoughtful exploration of the subject. Thank you.

  28. Waldo
    Posted February 14, 2013 at 11:43 am | Permalink

    I used to go out and see shows in Detroit at the Majestic Penis when I was younger.

  29. wren
    Posted April 24, 2013 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    Karen may not defecate in front of people in a literal sense, but she supported Mike Eller for City Council, which is pretty much the same thing.

  30. absolute beginners
    Posted August 12, 2014 at 2:54 am | Permalink

    As someone who works constantly on his penal self esteem, I appreciate this post.

  31. Anonymous
    Posted December 10, 2014 at 2:01 pm | Permalink

    “mottled vulva”

  32. Orison
    Posted August 28, 2017 at 3:25 am | Permalink

    It looks as though you have now successfully scrubbed every one of your penis photos from the internet, Mr. Maynard. Congratulations. I have been searching for weeks but cannot event find a single ball photo. You have done well.

4 Trackbacks

  1. […] […]

  2. By Ypsilanti City government takes a stand on my penis on January 28, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    […] that my dislike of urinating in front of others might stem from some kind of penile deformity. And, things went downhill from there, with others in the audience questioning her fascination with my bathroom habits, and challenging […]

  3. […] Jesse Kranyak, has offered it to me. I was going to politely decline the offer, seeing as how I have a well-documented issue with peeing next to strangers, but my co-worker here at the site, Andre, thinks that I should accept the offer, drag the urinal […]

  4. By The family photo that could get me into Congress on August 18, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    […] job in the industry, and a watercolor that I’d done of my penis, which I referred to as majestic… So, no need to worry Debbie Dingell, you’re safe this […]

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