the ball shaver speaks

I just received this note from the fellow who accosted me in the bar the other night, ranting about his testicles. He had tried to leave it as a comment, but his attempts had been thwarted by the anti-ball-shaver algorithm I have running on my server… At any rate, to be fair, I have decided to share his thoughts with you all.

I am the Brian in question here. First of all, I’d like to thank Mark for keeping me semi-anonymous, as personally, I think ball shaving discussions should be kept in the bedroom or pub, and go no further. Secondly, I’d like to reaffirm the fact that I have no affiliation or goal of joining the Ypsilanti City Council. I would also like to add several items to the record.

1. I was not the person who brought up ball shaving. In fact, Matt and I were just finishing up a conversation about technology and software engineering methods, when Mark approached. A discussion of his blog ensued in which purchases of men’s grooming devices through Amazon was brought up. It was at this point I interjected that I was indeed a ball shaver. Mark seemed to be quite interested so I proceeded to give some details as to why I got into this habit. Perhaps it was a combination of Mark’s growing incredulousness, Matt’s gales of laughter, and my level of inebriation which led be to give more details than necessary. But there were definitely inquiries involved and not all information was offered voluntarily.

2. While I personally appreciate a well-groomed bikini area on those of the female persuasion, my main purpose in shaving has little to do with reciprocation of that small favor, nor does it have to do with some misplaced sense of vanity. When I began my grooming regimen, I was working up to 16-hour days outdoors in a live show production environment, wearing long pants, sweating profusely. This was causing irritation problems for me, and rather than dump anti-itch powder down my pants all day, I tried “knocking back the forest” as it were. This successfully solved my problem. And in regards to a well groomed nether region, I’ve had no complaints in the bedroom either. A pleasant side benefit.

3. As I said, I was inebriated, but I think 30 minutes may be a somewhat long estimate of actual time spent in this particular discussion.

4. I find it hard to understand the vitriol regarding somebody’s personal grooming habits. Women use makeup every day and shave their legs every few. Men spend millions every year on shaving cream and shavers to keep their face looking clean. This is something I do to prevent skin irritation, yet somehow, I am an example of everything that is wrong with America? Finally, I think I’d be more inclined to consider your opinion if you were to walk a mile in my pants. Ten minutes in a warm shower with a safety razor, some cream, and a more than passing familiarity with your boys may make you see this matter in an entirely new light. Good luck with that, and make sure to keep up, as a couple days of growth might be itchier than when you started.

It’s taking all my strength to keep from inquiring as to the nature of these “16-hour days outdoors in a live show production environment” that so upset his balls, but I want to burry the hatchet once and for all and put all of this behind us, so I’m moving on… Brian is, of course, right. My demonization of ball-shavers is completely without merit, and it is, as Chlesea pointed out a few days ago, all based upon a “false conclusion.” As much as I tried to make the analogy work, ball shaving simply isn’t the modern equivalent of fiddling as Rome burned. And, I am ashamed of myself for bringing more unnecessary pain into the lives of those who have, for so many years, struggled silently under the yoke of debilitatingly dense thickets of pubic hair. I was wrong to have teased, and this, at least as far as I am concerned, is the final word on the matter… Yes, from now forward, this will be a PRO-BALL-SHAVING site! Please step out from the shadows, my friends, and tell us all how ball-grooming has set you free!

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13 Comments

  1. mark
    Posted June 4, 2006 at 2:04 pm | Permalink

    And, for what it’s worth, he may very well be right about either Matt or me first broaching the subject. The way I remember it, he just came over to the bar, slammed his beer down on the table, and announched, “I shave my balls,” but, as he says, quite a bit of beer had been consumed…

  2. chris
    Posted June 4, 2006 at 7:43 pm | Permalink

    One other positive outcome of ball shaving short of a clean teabagging, would be the preventive aspects of testicular cancer. Ball shaving would require the occasional sheck out for lumps and bumps.

    Anyone watch “Huff”? I bet anyone against ball shaving would change their minds were Sharon Stone to be the shaver.

    16 hour event? My bet is Disney animal mascot.

  3. kez
    Posted June 4, 2006 at 9:17 pm | Permalink

    what is best way to practice/try “ball shaving” before using my own balls?

    will this work on old tennis balls?

  4. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted June 5, 2006 at 12:38 pm | Permalink

    I’d start out with a freind’s balls.

  5. mark
    Posted June 5, 2006 at 10:56 pm | Permalink

    I think ball-shaving is probably grounds for immediate dismissal at Disney.

  6. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted June 6, 2006 at 10:50 am | Permalink

    I suspect that he had a role in the touring company of Richard Simmons’ “Sweatin’ to the Oldies Live.” The play runs over 12 hours long, and includes some 30 dance numbers. I’ve heard from a few fat friends that tried out for roles that it’s a real “ball-drencher.”

  7. Collin
    Posted June 6, 2006 at 3:53 pm | Permalink

    “I was wrong to have teased…” am I mistaken, or was that a subtle grooming pun?

  8. mark
    Posted June 6, 2006 at 9:29 pm | Permalink

    Surprisingly, I think that’s the first mention of Richard Simmons on this site… As for his productions, I’m partial to the “Deal-a-Meal musical.”

    And, Collin, I origninally had “braided” in there, but changed it to “teased” at the last minute.

  9. Sanjeev
    Posted May 29, 2007 at 6:21 pm | Permalink

    Guys, gimme all ur suggestions to alleviate the excruciating itch that i undergo 120 hrs after i shave the area around my nuts? It totally kills me and feels like im crucified upside down and someone trying to nail my balls :(

  10. mark
    Posted May 29, 2007 at 10:23 pm | Permalink

    I think that cutting the balls off would end any itching.

  11. Cleo Love Paste
    Posted May 30, 2007 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    Just put a tight rubber band around them. They’ll wither and fall off within a few weeks.

    I can send photos if it helps.

  12. Posted June 14, 2007 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

    Try the eRazor. It’s a shaver that is made to keep men and womrn mooth and ready.

  13. mark
    Posted June 14, 2007 at 10:40 pm | Permalink

    Mmmmm….. I love a mooth womm.

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