“The Best 10 Ways to Keep Your Older White Relatives from the Polls Come November 8”

I know it’s kind of anti-democratic, but I’ve started work on a new project that I think has a lot of potential. I’m putting together a list of “The Best 10 Ways to Keep Your Older White Relatives from the Polls Come November 8.” I know I can do better, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far.


1. Tell them that the minute they leave their house for the polls, Obama’s going to send Van Jones and Bill Ayers sneaking in and take their guns.

2. Explain to them that, because there’s no way Hillary will live through Election Day, Trump will win by default, regardless of the vote.

3. Tell them that Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy are going to be on Fox and Friends in just a few minutes to announce a new Cracker Barrel clothing line. Every time they reach for the doorknob, tell them that it’s just about to happen. Keep doing this until the polls close.

4. Tell them that, because of an executive order signed by Obama, all white people and black people are going to be swapping polling places this year, which will likely mean that they’ll be stuck in line for hours on end in a community center somewhere.

5. Remind them that the Pilgrims didn’t vote, and they were God’s chosen people.

6. While they’re asleep, create a postapocolyptic hellscape in their front yard, making them think that the world is ending… Be sure to include burning cars, black helicopters, and projections of their neighbors being raptured up to heaven.

7. Just scream “Benghazi” in their faces until they collapse in orgasm. Repeat this every time they stand up.

8. Have someone call their house pretending to be the beloved draft dodger turned sex offender Ted Nugent, asking them to drive to the border right this instant to help keep out the Mexican rapist drug lords who are trying to come into America to vote for Hillary.

9. Tell them about a theory you read on a blog somewhere about how, inside every “Make America Great Again” hat, Hillary’s team of god-hating scientists have built in a tiny microchip that, when it comes into contact with a voting machine, will force its wearer to vote for Hillary… turn gay for 24 hours… and then commit suicide.

10. Tell them Obama’s secret black army is being deployed at polling places across America to round up Trump supporters and ship them off to reeducation centers run by the transgender, multi-cultural communists of Acorn.

11. Tell them that, on election day, Obama will be targeting white polling places with chemtrails designed by Kenyan scientists that will turn their brains to mush so that they can be more easily enslaved.

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  1. Posted September 20, 2016 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    And, yes, I know that not all older white voters are voting for Trump. If I had it to do over again, I’d probably be more specific in the headline and say some thing like, “The Best 10 Ways to Keep Your Racist White Relatives from the Polls Come November 8” or “The Best 10 Ways to Keep Your Terrified White Relatives from the Polls Come November 8.”

  2. Janette Rook
    Posted September 20, 2016 at 11:01 pm | Permalink

    Yes, all of this!!

  3. Eel
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 6:08 am | Permalink

    Wasn’t there an installment of the Halloween film franchise where kids were given masks that killed them when a certain show came on television?

  4. Anonymous
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 6:40 am | Permalink

    You are correct, Eel. It was Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. Kids were given pumpkin masks and instructed to watch their televisions as a specified time to receive a secret message. When they did, their heads were consumed by cockroaches.


    Hillary is so evil, I wouldn’t put it past her.

  5. Demetrius
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 7:29 am | Permalink

    Mark, I always appreciate your genuine reporting AND your mocking parody … but does anyone else find this mildly offensive? Would this be taken very differently if you were suggesting ways to persuade young Blacks or middle-aged Asians from voting in November?

    I know this was meant in jest, but I also think it is just a tiny example of much larger problem.

    Trump is, of course, a liar, and a racist, a dangerous narcissist, and possibly somewhat unbalanced … and I don’t believe for a second he represents the genuine best interests of his millions of (largely older, white) supporters.

    Still, it is also clear that – for whatever reason – he has effectively tapped into the fears, anxieties, and resentments of millions of likely voters. Instead of trying to understand and address their (sometimes genuine) concerns – many Democrats and liberals (including many in the media) instead come off as smug and dismissive, and I think this kind of eye-rolling condescension is one of the main things that’s fueling Trump’s support.

    A recent example: Clinton, hosting an exclusive, high-dollar, LGBT fundraiser fundraiser in Manhattan … and using it as an opportunity to casually dismiss Trump’s supporters (around half the electorate) as “deplorables.”

    Yet, many on the left seem genuine shocked that the polls are as close as they are – and that Trump seems to have a very real (albeit slim) chance of winning.

    There’s no doubt that some who are supporting Trump are blatantly racist, sexist, homophobic … or just generally hateful. But many many others seem to be supporting him because they feel he is the *only* candidate who is addressing their genuine fears regarding the state of the economy, immigration, the threat of terrorism, and perhaps most of all – future prospects for their children and grandchildren.

    Again, I think the real question isn’t why is Trump getting so much support – but rather, why isn’t Clinton doing more to reach out to these voters, and working to persuade them to vote for her?

  6. Westside
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 8:10 am | Permalink

    How do you get liberals of all races and ages to stay home on Election Day? I think we all know the answer to that question.

  7. Anonymous
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 8:14 am | Permalink

    I think this is called satire, Demetrius. In this list, if you read through it, there are any number of right wing lies about Clinton. He’s not saying that we should poison Trump supporters or bomb their polling places.

  8. Demetrius
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    I understand that this was satire, and I think I get where Mark was coming from. So, yes, perhaps my comments are misdirected.

    However, I will say this: I think one of the most striking things about this campaign so far is how much it has been about voters being *against* one candidate or the other – rather than one in which people seem to be genuinely inspired.

  9. Frosted Flakes
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 10:27 am | Permalink

    Man, I couldn’t agree with you more, Demetrius, Well said.

    These jokes might be funny, but it simply is not worth it, at this point, because Trump could win.

    If there is one thing that will ensure that Trump supporters will vote–it is these kind of very uncharitable portrayals of who Trump supporters are as people. Garbage like this breathes life into the average Trump supporter. Their worldview might be dangerous, but it becomes even more dangerous, in the form of a reaction to the left’s ideological views, which are often just beliefs about the rights beliefs. You are participating in the crazy, folks! If the left really is the intelligent and compassionate side then please start acting like it. A change in behavior of course will require you see that though the content differs, your MO is Trumpesque. For the required epiphany you will need to look into the mirror and see the strawberry-blond-comb-over-toupee that has been sitting on top of your heads for way too long.

  10. Lynne
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 10:52 am | Permalink

    Yeah, I am down with the idea that we have to make sure Clinton wins by a landslide in order to make sure that the Trump voters can be safely mocked. It reminds me of a quote about how men worry that they will be laughed at but women worry that they will be killed. I think that is how it is with Trump voters. They worry that they will be laughed at or not given some amount of respect they are entitled to and they consider this a higher concern than others actually being killed. This is really horrible stuff and I can’t bring myself to be critical of anyone using humor to get through it.

    Kind of like how Dan was more concerned about someone being stuck in traffic from a protest than he was concerned about the events that led to the protest in the first place. It sucks that people are so horrible but there you go. Americans are horrible deplorable people and at least 40% will be making it official by voting for Trump

  11. iRobert
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 11:11 am | Permalink

    Let’s all just agree that Mark is a terrible person. We can argue the specifics later.

  12. Andy L.
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    Let’s be honest. They will have already voted absentee by then. If you’re serious, and I know you are, hide their writing tools.

  13. John Galt
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 1:10 pm | Permalink

    I agree that this post was beyond the pale. How dare Mark poke fun at the followers of a candidate who, to my knowledge, has only disparaged women, Muslims, Mexicans, blacks, and the handicapped.

  14. Anonymous
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 1:51 pm | Permalink

    Trump supporters: http://on.cc.com/2d0Oq4H

  15. Anonymous
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 2:04 pm | Permalink

    Trump supporters: http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/09/trump-supporters-neo-nazis-white-nationalists-kkk-militias-racism-hate

  16. Anonymous
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    There is no shame in talking about how we keep these people from the polls. The future of the earth depends on it, and that’s not hyperbole.

  17. soggy_waffles
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 2:27 pm | Permalink

    I’m with Demetrius on this, even though I agree that Trump could hurt the country irreparably.

    It wouldn’t be acceptable for the alt-right to put out a satirical list of reasons for them to stay home (ie kfc has a clothing line, not acceptable). Sadly, they do make real attempts to suppress votes, but for now, that’s a separate issue.

    The left mocking and deriding white voters they see as white trash is alt-right:racist as progressive-left:classist. Basically, they are mocking them for not having a college degree and for being part of a culture they hate.

    Unfortunately, rural white voters are on the losing end of much of the progressive agenda. They tend to work for smaller businesses, while the left passes laws that incentivize scale and centralization in the private sector (obamacare, financial regulations, safety regulations, etc). Many are blue collar, and they feel they have lost jobs to free trade. They might work in energy, and the left is leveraging the EPA to reign in the energy sector. From their perspective, the left is using political power to change them and their lives.

    Beyond that, they feel culturally rejected by the left as well. The left goes out of its way to call them homophobic for not accepting gay marriage (I guess Obama ‘evolved’ on his homophobic position?); ignorant for not ‘voting their best interest’ (most arrogant thing I can imagine anyone saying in a democracy); dumb for not attending college; amongst lots of other regular insults to their faith and culture.

    We shouldn’t be shocked that these people turned away from the left towards a right that is more accepting of them and their culture. The alt-right has used that rejection as a opportunity to bring them into our coalition. There are lots of examples of the same. Well meaning Europeans punished Germany too severely after WW1, and we get Hitler. The US sides with France in Vietnam, rejecting a democratic and free market movement that turns to USSR and China for help.

    Okay, that went farther than I meant, but the point remains. This is a classist piece that mocks people whose communities are falling apart. It doesn’t mock the suburban white voter who supports Trump (why they would, I don’t know), but takes the easy way out and plays on stereotypes. Its total bullshit.

  18. iRobert
    Posted September 21, 2016 at 3:36 pm | Permalink

    Let’s determine who’s suffered the most throughout history, and then agree everyone else is fair game to mock and stereotype.

    If it turns out that Mark is identified somehow as part of that group, we’ll default to the group that has suffered second most as those safe from our mockery and stereotyping.

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