Posing as a reporter for this site, Patrick Elkins scores free grub

Lest anyone try it again, I’d like to start off this post by noting that I’m not in the habit of posting unsolicited reviews that I find rolled up inside of old copies of the Journal of Avian Medicine and Surgery and thrown into my front yard. I’m making an exception this time, though, as this particular review appears to be the handiwork of thickly bearded local troubadour, Patrick Elkins… My guess, given what little I’ve been able to decipher thus far, is that Patrick wrote this while consuming an endless supply of free drinks at the Sidetrack, during one of their “burger and beer pairing” events. I haven’t confirmed it yet, but, if I had to speculate as to the chain of events that put Patrick at this event, I’d say that, having smelled food, he wondered in, passed himself off as a reporter for MarkMaynard.com, and then promptly began inhaling free pickles, while jotting nonsense onto a pad of paper, with what he imagined to be the look of a thoughtful reporter upon his face… I know that I’m ultimately to blame, as, not too long ago, after a few too many drinks at Woodruff’s, I introduced Patrick as a MarkMaynard.com staff member, but I still find his behavior here to be reprehensible, even by Ypsilanti standards… At any rate, I just wanted to make it clear, before sharing Patrick’s review, that he doesn’t work for MarkMaynard.com. So, if he comes into your restaurant, bar, bank, or massage parlor, asking for free services, and promising to say great things about your establishment on this site, don’t believe him. Just turn him toward the door, pat him on the bottom, and send him on his way. [Then fill up a sack with free goodies, and leave them on my doorstep, so that I can review them properly.]

Now, here’s his Sidetrack review.

[A larger version can be found here.]

And, this, I believe, is the key.

[A larger version can be found here.]

As you’ll notice, Patrick doesn’t review any of the burgers himself, as he doesn’t eat meat. And that’s probably the main reason that I’m posting this here. I love the idea of going to a “burger and beer pairing” and refusing to review the burgers… Maybe I’ll keep Pat on the staff after all.

And, remember, “Don’t talk with your mouth full, during a pickle lick.”

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12 Comments

  1. Kristin
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 2:27 pm | Permalink

    Finally a reviewer after my own heart. I appreciate that the burgers aren’t marked as off limits or carion, but just “?” It feels like he didn’t register them.

  2. anonymous
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 3:55 pm | Permalink

    Everyone should try this tonight.

    I’m going to give it a shot at Deja Vu, and see if I might be able to score a free dong.

    And I’m not going to say that I work for you. I’m going to say that I AM you, and then demand free stuff. Maybe I’ll even show up with an empty duffel bag.

  3. Posted May 28, 2012 at 4:17 pm | Permalink

    And, if you’re wondering, an “Ann Palmer’s Dress” is a drink. It involves wringing out Annie Palmer’s dress, and drinking whatever comes out. Usually, I’ve found, it’s kind of like a Sea Breeze.

  4. Edward
    Posted May 28, 2012 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    “I am Mark Maynard, of MarkMaynard.com, and I demand to see your most luxuriant dong, this instant!”

  5. anonymous
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 8:24 am | Permalink

    If Patrick Elkins knew where I lived, I’d burn my house down, change my name, and move to another country.

  6. Posted May 29, 2012 at 8:44 am | Permalink

    So if you’re not going to employ Patrick Elkins can I hire him to draw treasure maps for me?

  7. Annie Palmer's Dress
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 10:52 am | Permalink

    I am not a drink, I am merely a decency cover. I am proud to be included in such an auspicious review.

  8. Bob
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 11:42 am | Permalink

    “If Patrick Elkins knew where I lived, I’d burn my house down, change my name, and move to another country.”

    At least one person asked if I posted that. For the record it wasn’t me. I do not post anonymously. Also for the record I had the chance to take Elkins out last year when he deliriously stumbled in front of my car as he crossed against a light. I chose not to do so as life is precious. I also wouldn’t want to try scrubbing Patrick Elkins off my bumper. That would be worse than the possum I hit a few years back.

  9. Anonymous Mike
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

    Let’s all share stories about the opportunities we’ve had to kill Patrick Elkins.

    I once sat behind him on a bus. I suppose I could have strangled him.

    Who’s next?

  10. Patrick Elkins
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 3:15 pm | Permalink

    I contemplated going miniature golfing during a lightning storm once.

  11. Posted May 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm | Permalink

    I accidentally fed Patrick Elkins rice that had been cooked with beef broth, so I might have sent him to Hindu Hell, albeit in a delayed fashion.

  12. Jambo Man's Ghost
    Posted May 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm | Permalink

    I conspired to kill Patrick Elkins, but, before I could act on my plan, he threw me into a fire pit and set me aflame. I wouldn’t underestimate him, if I were you.

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  1. […] friend Patrick Elkins, who I often mention here on the site, has been dealing with some relatively serious health issues these past several […]

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