The totally confrontational Totally Awesome Fest press conference

    Ypsilanti’s more densely bearded, somewhat less murderous, and considerably less black version of Don King, Patrick Elkins, called a press conference yesterday to announce the lineup of the 8th annual Totally Awesome Fest, which begins this Friday evening at 5:00, in the field behind VG Kids. I suppose, in retrospect, that it should have been obvious, but I really thought that other members of the press would show up. Fortunately, though, I did attend, and, what’s more, I came armed with plenty of hard-hitting questions. Sadly, however, very few of these questions, or the non-answers that accompanied them, made it into this video, which was shot by a friend of Patrick’s by the name of Chris Sandon. So, if you’re wondering how Patrick would have responded to questions about the abduction and subsequent immolation of the beloved local mascot, Jambo Mann, and accusations concerning the assigning to premium time slots to bands that agree to satiate his every degenerate desire, you’ll just have to wait until Totally Awesome Corp complies with my Freedom of Information Act request. In the meantime, here’s the sanitized version of yesterday’s press conference.

    And here’s the lineup, for those of you who want to risk your lives by venturing into Ypsilanti this weekend:

    FRIDAY, APRIL 27

    @ VG Kids (884 Railroad St.)

    5:00 KEVIN SCHLERETH
    5:30 KATIE BATTISTONI
    6:00 CHARLIE SLICK
    6:30 IZZY JOHNSON
    7:00 DUANE THE TEENAGE WEIRDO
    7:45 OUR BROTHER THE NATIVE / LOU BREED

    featuring LIVE PAINTING by:
    ~Joanie Wind Newberry
    ~Leanna Moore
    ~Robb N. Johnston
    ~Jesse Thomason

    @ The Dreamland Theater (26 N. Washington St.)

    w/ ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS DJs between sets!
    - doors at 9:30 p.m. -

    10:00 PISTOLBRIDES
    10:30 LIGHTNING LOVE
    11:00 TREE CITY
    11:45 NICKIE P.
    12:30 EAT METER
    1:00 SAIL
    1:30 K9 SNIFFIES

    SATURDAY, APRIL 28

    @ The Bungalow (711 N. River St.)

    12:01 PANCAKE WALK
    12:30 DAN FLORIDA
    1:00 KEVIN MORRIS & ADAPT COLLECTIVE
    1:30 LAS DROGAS
    2:00 HENRY DAGG / CHILDREN OF SPY
    2:30 FERDY MAYNE
    3:00 JUNIPER BABY
    3:30 JIM CHERWICK
    4:00 SKY THING
    4:30 RICH DELCAMP & FRIENDS
    5:00 ANNIE PALMER
    5:30 (D)(B)(H)
    6:00 LORD OF THE YUM-YUM

    featuring LIVE PAINTING by:
    ~Robin Trevino Gesieman
    ~Cora Thomason
    ~Mary Thomason
    ~Bri Howard

    @ The Playboy Mansion (605 N. Congress)

    8:00 GOOGOLPLEXIA
    8:30 HOSPITAL GARDEN
    9:00 CONGRESS
    9:30 DICK MOVE
    10:00 MINUS 9
    10:30 VAN HOUTEN
    11:00 RAINBOW VOMIT FAMILY BAND

    @ Electric Waterfall Castle (308 Washtenaw)

    12:00 DUSTIN KRCATOVICH will be hosting a screening of “TUNNEL CANARY”
    & a film by CHANEL VON HABSBURG-LOTHRINGEN

    SUNDAY, APRIL 29

    @ Ripper Field (N. River)

    12:00 PANCAKE WRESTLING w. THE REAL SPICOLIS
    12:30 NATHAN K.
    1:00 VAGRANT SYMPHONY
    1:30 ZOMBIE JESUS AND THE CHOCOLATE SUNSHINE BAND
    2:00 TOTO RECALL
    2:30 MATCH BY MATCH
    3:00 ANIMAL MAGIC
    3:30 ROACH BEACH
    4:00 T-TOPS
    4:30 BLIZZARD BABIES
    5:30 SWIMSUIT
    6:00 MANHOLE
    6:30 DETROIT PARTY MARCHING BAND

    featuring LIVE PAINTING by:
    ~Dora Diaspora

    @ Little Weasel House (814 Stanley)

    8:00 HOT BOSS
    8:30 OAK OPENINGS
    9:00 CRAIG JOHNSON
    9:30 SEX POLICE
    10:00 WITCH PUTTY
    10:30 TRABAJABAMOS
    11:00 SUICIDE BY COP

    + LIVE PAINTING BY COMMUNITY REBIRTH
    + BEN MILLER’S TAKE-IT-HOME FASHION SHOW

    And, yes, every house in Ypsi has to have a name. Addresses alone do not suffice in the world of bearded men in cheap sunglasses.

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      9 Comments

      1. Edward
        Posted April 25, 2012 at 9:13 pm | Permalink

        I’ve listened four times now, and I’m still not sure. Do you suggest that they position volunteers in the river, downstream from Totally Awesome Fest, with colendars, so that they can capture the fecal matter released by audience members relieving themselves in the Huron?

      2. Ben Gladd
        Posted April 25, 2012 at 9:29 pm | Permalink

        Steven Tyler is made entirely of labias.

      3. Mark
        Posted April 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm | Permalink

        I actually think they should strain the river with their beards, the way whales use those fibrous things in their mouths to filter plankton.

      4. Eel
        Posted April 26, 2012 at 6:49 am | Permalink

        The mouths of whales filter krill for food via sheets of feathered horn called baleen. And I will, from this day forward, whenever I see Patrick Elkins, think of his beard as baleen which has evolved to filter hippie river poop.

      5. anonymous
        Posted April 26, 2012 at 8:47 am | Permalink

        Patrick is a national treasure.

      6. anonymous
        Posted April 26, 2012 at 8:49 am | Permalink

        Sorry, that should have read “anal fissure.”

      7. Mr. X
        Posted April 27, 2012 at 8:51 am | Permalink

        If Totally Awesome Fest is looking for a mascot, may I suggest this fellow?

        http://i.imgur.com/1CoKF.jpg

      8. anonymous
        Posted April 27, 2012 at 3:11 pm | Permalink

        I ask this in all seriousness. When do all the good bands play?

        I think I can only make it out for an hour of so this weekend. Which bands should I try to see?

      9. Elf
        Posted May 4, 2012 at 4:27 pm | Permalink

        It makes me sad that only 237 people watched this video, while a quarter million watched this one, shot in Ann Arbor.

        http://www.annarbor.com/entertainment/ann-arbors-pat-stansik-getting-attention-for-another-comedy-video-were-you-listening-to-call-me-mayb/

      7 Trackbacks

      1. [...] in hopes of acquiring free pancakes and selling poorly photocopied trading cards of themselves at Totally Awesome Fest 8. I shot some video of their performance, which, thanks to the cops, got moved into a basement, but, [...]

      2. [...] as this particular review appears to be the handiwork of thickly bearded local troubadour, Patrick Elkins… My guess, given what little I’ve been able to decipher thus far, is that Patrick wrote [...]

      3. [...] the annual, city-wide fertility ritual, I was the only person to show up. And, as you might recall, it didn’t go well. This year, unsurprisingly, there was no press conference. Patrick, I was told by mutual friends, [...]

      4. [...] friend Patrick Elkins, who I often mention here on the site, has been dealing with some relatively serious health issues these past several years. [...]

      5. By Legfest raises almost $4,000 for Patrick Elkins on October 14, 2013 at 10:49 pm

        [...] scrape together a little more than $4,000 to put toward paying off the medical bills of our friend Patrick Elkins. Thank you so much to all of you who created artwork for the auction, played at the show, donated [...]

      6. […] yet, but, given that this will be the 10th Totally Awesome Fest, I’m thinking that another formal press conference might be called […]

      7. […] TAF press conferences: 2012, […]

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