Introducing my new socially-responsible business idea… The Divine Justice Gun Shop and Family Empowerment Center

    I had a great business idea the other day, that I know is going to make me a fortune.

    It’s the perfect business for today’s lean, mean Michigan. It capitalizes on every trend.

    The idea… and I probably shouldn’t share this publicly, before the Kickstarter campaign even gets off the ground… is a chain of “community empowerment centers” (that generate massive revenues through the sale of guns and ammunition).

    I’d start by opening one in every Michigan city officially certified as failing, and then franchise through the rust belt. The best part is, I wouldn’t have to pay for expensive demographic studies. I’d just take my cues from the Governor. As soon as he moved to takeover a city (and install an Emergency Financial Manager), I’d swoop in and open a store. As our failing cites are laying off police officers in record numbers, it just stands to reason that the people who remain would be more inclined to consider gun ownership, right? At least, that’s what the evidence would suggest. As you’ll recall from our conversation the other day, the justifiable homicide rate is up by a whopping 79% this year in Detroit, indicating that, more and more, people are reaching for their guns instead of calling 911. And that, to me, says opportunity.

    And, not only is there a huge and growing market for personal firearms in this post-civilizaiton Michigan that we find ourselves living in, but there’s cheap property. For branding purposes, I’m planning to locate my family-friendly gun shops exclusively in former church buildings…. The last I heard, Michigan was one of only two states losing population. And, with the exodus of people, congregations are dwindling, and more religious properties are going up for sale. In Ypsilanti alone, if I’m not mistaken, there are about half a dozen former churches up for sale at this very moment. And where better to set up one of my Divine Justice community empowerment centers? (That’s the name of the company, by the way.)

    The stigma of going into a seedy gun shop will be gone. Instead of flickering overhead lights, we’d have beautiful stained glass windows, depicting heavily armed angels. And, we’ll have all of the extras that discerning gun owners could possibly want, including mini Hooters stands, like those tiny Starbucks outposts that have started popping up inside of dentists offices and the like. And, I should mention, our firing ranges will be Biblical themed, with cutouts of menacing homosexual couples wielding fabric grocery bags full of runny cheese, women buying birth control, and people saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” leaping out at you, instead of stereotypical gangsters. And we’ll offer all kinds of special packages, like the one I call the Culture Warrior, which includes a snub-nosed 38, hidden inside of a hollowed out copy of the Old Testament signed by G. Gordon Liddy.

    I know that this might come across as distasteful to some of you, but I figure if people can get rich owning stock in the companies that manufacture the missiles launched from drone aircraft in Iraq, then what’s wrong with making a few dollars on justifiable homicide at home? And, it’s not all self-serving. For every gun I sell, I’ll be taking a page from the playbook of Stuart Beal and offering one to a homeless veteran for free. (They’ll still have to come to me for bullets, though.)

    And, once we’re all armed, just think of the taxes that we’ll save, as our police officers retire and join the ranks of those wandering our streets, collecting bottles, and making our communities even more beautiful… We’re just a few months away from living in a free market paradise, my friends.

    This is an American success story in the making, if ever there was one.

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      30 Comments

      1. Erika
        Posted March 5, 2012 at 11:08 pm | Permalink

        Two comments:
        1) Make sure to get your domain name locked down quickly, as there are internet squatters in Ypsi who will no doubt have at least six versions of your business name ready to sell to you at an inflated price, or to use to create a competing business by tomorrow morning.

        2) I had this exact same thought, except mine wasn’t so much guns in old churches as it was retail sales of window bars and razor wire. My recent trip to Central America showed me that there could be an endless demand for razor wire and window bars, if marketed correctly (ie sit back and watch people become increasingly terrified in their own homes, then approach them during that brief moment that they must sprint from their homes to their cars to show them how you can make it really difficult/uncomfortable for the criminals to get into their bedroom windows at night – or during the day for that matter).

        I was going to open up a storefront on Water Street, hopefully between a Checkers burger drive through and a liquor/check cashing/car wash, you know, in the classy section of town. I’m thinking of calling the place Coils -N- Foils.

      2. Edward
        Posted March 5, 2012 at 11:24 pm | Permalink

        You just need to tie in a charter school where kids are taught how to clean guns and pack ammunition. You could call it the Militia Academy.

      3. anonymous
        Posted March 5, 2012 at 11:35 pm | Permalink

        The sad thing is, someone like Stewart Beal or Dave Curtis will actually come along and do this. I have no idea how gun stores are regulated, but, assuming it’s legal to do so, I’m sure we’ll see them popping up right alongside our check cashing stores and plasma centers.

      4. Posted March 6, 2012 at 6:43 am | Permalink

        And since it’s a free market, absent of those pesky intrusions by the federal government, you can put “Whites Only” signs at the entrance.

      5. Posted March 6, 2012 at 7:10 am | Permalink

        I think this is a great idea, Mark. You should consider selling franchises.

      6. anonymous
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 7:38 am | Permalink

        Does a higher justifiable homicide rate imply a more engaged citizenry?

        How about “Community Empowerment Through Superior Fire Power” for a tag line?

      7. Eel
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 8:54 am | Permalink

        All joking aside, I’m sure there are some who see a high justifiable homicide rate in a community as a good thing, as a sign that people are taking their destinies into their own hands. I think some libertarians that leave comments here secretly wish for the days of frontier justice, where communities (of righteous white men), unencumbered by laws, were able to dole out swift, biblical justice.

      8. Posted March 6, 2012 at 9:07 am | Permalink

        Which always struck me as strange, given that one of the revolutionary aspects of the US Constitution is the guarantee of due process and trial by jury.

        “In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence”

        But we shouldn’t assume that “Constitutionalists” have actually read the document. ..

      9. John
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 9:17 am | Permalink

        You want to make money off the poor, then abortion clinics are where the real money is at. Just need someone who is good at marketing to convince the Republicans that the poor are getting drunk and having sex all day, and that its them, the Republicans that will pay for their bad decisions. And if the marketing is good enough you could convince them that its gods work and you could turn the churhes into tax free abortion clinics. Brilliant!

      10. K2
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 9:22 am | Permalink

        I assume this would be one of those much talked about for-profit/non-profit hybrids, in which all of the hard work is done by volunteers, and all of the profit is made by a single individual.

      11. Mr. X
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 9:28 am | Permalink

        Peter, one of the most revolutionary things about the Bible is the “Thou Shall Not Kill” commandment. That certainly doesn’t stop self-proclaimed Christians, like Santorum, from advocating war with Iran, championing the death penalty, and maintaining that our government has the duty to murder swarthy American citizens without trial, if we find them frightening. This country is build on a solid foundation of cognitive dissonance.

      12. Posted March 6, 2012 at 9:29 am | Permalink

        Cotton farming in Mississippi was, in the past, a for profit/non profit hybrid.

      13. Mr. X
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 9:41 am | Permalink

        Yes, with blacks volunteering their efforts, and plantation owners reaping the benefits.

        If it worked then, there’s no reason it can’t work now.

      14. Watching Laughing.
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 10:20 am | Permalink

        LOL,,,I think, if Dave Curtis showed up; a couple dozen process servers would be bombarding him, ROTFLMAO!!!

        WL.

      15. Anonymous Mike
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 11:04 am | Permalink

        Isn’t Dave Curtis living in Steve Pierce’s house? I hear stories about mysterious figures dressed in black being shuttled in and out via Segway. It’s like the underground railroad for ethically-challenged white businessmen on the run.

      16. Anonymous Mike
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 11:07 am | Permalink

        By “mini Hooters” do you mean a scaled down version of Hooters (I’m picturing a single waitress operating a frier basket inside a little kiosk), or a full-scale Hooters with small-breasted waitresses? Either way I’m intrigued.

      17. alan2102
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 11:08 am | Permalink

        Mr. X: “one of the most revolutionary things about the Bible is the “Thou Shall Not Kill” commandment. That certainly doesn’t stop self-proclaimed Christians, like Santorum, from advocating war with Iran”

        No one here would deny that Santorum is an asshole. But let’s not be bigger assholes in the particulars of our denunciation of him. The fifth commandment is about murder, not all killing, which is held to be conditionally justifiable by almost all Christians, and presumably by Yahweh himself, and by almost all of everyone, everywhere, except for a few highly committed pacifists.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Commandments
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_shall_not_murder

      18. alan2102
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 11:13 am | Permalink

        PS: perhaps Ricky should be quizzed on the depth of his reading and knowledge of Catholic Just War theory…

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_War

        snip

        the Catechism of the Catholic Church, in paragraph 2309, lists four strict conditions for “legitimate defense by military force”:

        * the damage inflicted by the aggressor on the nation or community of nations must be lasting, grave, and certain;
        * all other means of putting an end to it must have been shown to be impractical or ineffective;
        * there must be serious prospects of success;
        * the use of arms must not produce evils and disorders graver than the evil to be eliminated. The power as well as the precision of modern means of destruction weighs very heavily in evaluating this condition.

        snip

        Just War theorists combine both a moral abhorrence towards war with a readiness to accept that war may sometimes be necessary. The criteria of the just war tradition act as an aid to determining whether resorting to arms is morally permissible. Just War theories are attempts “to distinguish between justifiable and unjustifiable uses of organized armed forces”; they attempt “to conceive of how the use of arms might be restrained, made more humane, and ultimately directed towards the aim of establishing lasting peace and justice.”[10]

      19. Bonnie
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm | Permalink

        http://cityofypsilanti.com/DoingBusiness/AdaptiveUseOpportunities

      20. Dan
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

        the thriving markets of the greater Ypsi community are burger joints, hookers, and strip clubs. I guess weaponry would be a welcomed addition. I would suggest having a pawn shop type section available, however. Used and confiscated weapons available for interesting trades

      21. Walt
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm | Permalink

        @Erika

        Is Coils and Foils a reference to black hair braiding shops? Isn’t that a very racist thing to say about Ypsilanti?

      22. Mr. X
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

        OK, Alan, let’s say that Jesus was fine with killing, but just had an issue with murder. Who decides whether a person’s death is killing or murder when there are no trials involved? Santorum has applauded the murder of Iranian scientists, and the murder of US citizens without trial. Is that killing or murder in your book? Who decides? Either way, I’m glad that we can agree that he’s an asshole.

      23. Mr. X
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 2:03 pm | Permalink

        Dan, I think you may have missed the point of the post. The point, as I see it, isn’t that Ypsi is a vile shit hole where people do terrible things. The point is, we live in a state that’s turned its back on its historic cities, denying them the tools they need to thrive, and systematically underfunding them to the point where their only option is collapse. The point is, this will be the fate of every Michigan city, save for the very richest. This has nothing to do with the fact that Ypsi has an adult business downtown (down from three ten years ago). This has nothing to do with race. This is about a system that isn’t able, by design, to keep cops and fire fighters on the streets. This is about a state government that is tacitly encouraging those with the resources to do so to move while its cities crumble, all so that the rich can continue to enjoy unprecedented tax cuts. The bottom line is that they don’t give a shit that the people of Detroit are shooting one another, as long as taxes are low. And, if someone could come along and launch a profitable business selling people guns, they’d love it.

      24. Robert
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

        For the last several months, apartment complexes have been removing their fire extinguishers, now that those pesky regulations are being revoked. I’ve been thinking about purchasing these old extinguishers at cut rate bulk prices and selling them at a premium to apartment dwellers who now have no extinquishers in their buildings. Can I set up carts in your Divine Justice Gun Shop stores? I’ll sell hot-dogs also. Hey! There’s the name for my business “Hot Dogs!” I’ll put the fire extinquishers in bun-looking pillows as a marketing trick.

      25. Redleg
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 3:24 pm | Permalink

        I’ll put my money on more nail salons and wig shops… Well, with less law enforcement, make that armed nail and wig shops.

      26. alan2102
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 5:19 pm | Permalink

        Mr. X: “let’s say that Jesus was fine with killing, but just had an issue with murder.”

        Jesus did not write the 10 commandments.

        ” Who decides whether a person’s death is killing or murder when there are no trials involved?”

        Same as when there ARE trials involved: us. We, humans, must make such very difficult determinations.

      27. Erika
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 6:58 pm | Permalink

        @Walt. I was actually thinking coils (of razor wire) and foils (as in “foiled!”) when trying to enter a window but discovering that it is covered with bars. I did google the name just for kicks and found the Foils & Coils hair salon that you reference. Totally different, but I appreciate your concern.

      28. Dan
        Posted March 6, 2012 at 8:44 pm | Permalink

        Mr. X,

        I think you missed my sarcasm

      29. Thom Elliott
        Posted March 7, 2012 at 7:04 am | Permalink

        I think the only thing missing is that you become a Protestant pastor, so it’s Pastor Maynard’s Divine Justice retail outlet (not just for the cred, but so you have concrete, detailed knowledge of God’s will/plans/ideas ect like John Hagee, Jack Van Impe, or Dr. Michael Jousef). I also love the idea of utilizing the hundreds of metro-area decaying churches (which have become the tombstones of God in this postindustrial wasteland, just like Nietzsche said) and giving people what they really need; cold steel, lead, and brass. Don’t forget; there are plenty of derelect former community centers along Grand River as well.

      30. mike
        Posted June 21, 2012 at 6:56 pm | Permalink

        Ive read some of the posts here. They are all interesting. However what will you do when you sell a gun and they kill you with it?

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