I had a great business idea the other day, that I know is going to make me a fortune.
It’s the perfect business for today’s lean, mean Michigan. It capitalizes on every trend.
The idea… and I probably shouldn’t share this publicly, before the Kickstarter campaign even gets off the ground… is a chain of “community empowerment centers” (that generate massive revenues through the sale of guns and ammunition).
I’d start by opening one in every Michigan city officially certified as failing, and then franchise through the rust belt. The best part is, I wouldn’t have to pay for expensive demographic studies. I’d just take my cues from the Governor. As soon as he moved to takeover a city (and install an Emergency Financial Manager), I’d swoop in and open a store. As our failing cites are laying off police officers in record numbers, it just stands to reason that the people who remain would be more inclined to consider gun ownership, right? At least, that’s what the evidence would suggest. As you’ll recall from our conversation the other day, the justifiable homicide rate is up by a whopping 79% this year in Detroit, indicating that, more and more, people are reaching for their guns instead of calling 911. And that, to me, says opportunity.
And, not only is there a huge and growing market for personal firearms in this post-civilizaiton Michigan that we find ourselves living in, but there’s cheap property. For branding purposes, I’m planning to locate my family-friendly gun shops exclusively in former church buildings…. The last I heard, Michigan was one of only two states losing population. And, with the exodus of people, congregations are dwindling, and more religious properties are going up for sale. In Ypsilanti alone, if I’m not mistaken, there are about half a dozen former churches up for sale at this very moment. And where better to set up one of my Divine Justice community empowerment centers? (That’s the name of the company, by the way.)
The stigma of going into a seedy gun shop will be gone. Instead of flickering overhead lights, we’d have beautiful stained glass windows, depicting heavily armed angels. And, we’ll have all of the extras that discerning gun owners could possibly want, including mini Hooters stands, like those tiny Starbucks outposts that have started popping up inside of dentists offices and the like. And, I should mention, our firing ranges will be Biblical themed, with cutouts of menacing homosexual couples wielding fabric grocery bags full of runny cheese, women buying birth control, and people saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” leaping out at you, instead of stereotypical gangsters. And we’ll offer all kinds of special packages, like the one I call the Culture Warrior, which includes a snub-nosed 38, hidden inside of a hollowed out copy of the Old Testament signed by G. Gordon Liddy.
I know that this might come across as distasteful to some of you, but I figure if people can get rich owning stock in the companies that manufacture the missiles launched from drone aircraft in Iraq, then what’s wrong with making a few dollars on justifiable homicide at home? And, it’s not all self-serving. For every gun I sell, I’ll be taking a page from the playbook of Stuart Beal and offering one to a homeless veteran for free. (They’ll still have to come to me for bullets, though.)
And, once we’re all armed, just think of the taxes that we’ll save, as our police officers retire and join the ranks of those wandering our streets, collecting bottles, and making our communities even more beautiful… We’re just a few months away from living in a free market paradise, my friends.
This is an American success story in the making, if ever there was one.