A few years ago, I posted a short piece about the practice of witchcraft in the African nation of Malawi, and, as a result, every six months or so, I get a strange comment in my in-box. Here’s the most recent one. It comes from a man in Lilongwe, Malawi who wants my help “joining” Satanism. Not having a membership package handy, I suggested that he look up my friend Pete, who is presently traveling through Africa, spreading the gospel of heavy metal, taking blood from cattle, and trying to unravel the mysteries of something called Q Fever. (I figure “scientist” and “witch” are probably pretty much interchangeable these days, especially when said scientists are taking blood from animals and studying spontaneous abortion in livestock.)
I was going to forward him information on joining the Santana Fan Club, offering it a the next best thing to joining Satanism, when it occurred to me that Pete might actually need some volunteers in Africa to help with the blood letting.
Speaking of Pete, he was supposed to come back to the U.S. a few days ago, but, as he found the airport in flames when he got to Nairobi, he had to change plans at the last minute. Given the recent State Department warnings concerning the possibility of terrorist attacks in Africa, and the fact that this particular fire just happened to break out on the 15th anniversary of the American Embassy bombings in Nairobi and Tanzania, I’m concerned about my old friend, but he tells me not to worry. He says people in Kenya love Americans… which, I guess, is understandable, given that our President was born there… And, even if that weren’t the case, I guess Pete’s always got Satan looking out for him, right?
98 Comments
Not surprisingly, “Join Team Satan” yields results on the web:
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I think Satan is likely disappointed in Pete. He has so much potential, but then he retired from metal and went back to college. Satan hates shit like that.
Taylor Swift is way more Satanic than the most evil Norwegian death metal band. And I’m not even joking.
You joke about Carlos Santana, but he is a satanist. He worships a demon. It’s name is Metatron.
I am happy that Malawi is finally turning to Satan. I think it’s your responsibility to guide them to the path of evil and debauchery.
Pete, do you wear a hooded cloak when you take blood from animals? If so, what’s the soundtrack?
The same Metatron that plays for the Lions?
http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31300000/Calvin-Johnson-I-Am-Megatron-Detroit-Lions-Wallpaper-detroit-lions-31317506-1920-1080.jpg
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To reach the state of “clear” in the Church of Scientology, you have to spend over $20,000 in Northface merchandise. I know little about the Church of Illuminati, but, assuming their’s a comparable level of spiritual enlightenment, how many pair of slacks must someone purchase to attain it?
Do you take nothings serious. the world of fire calls you name and you shout ‘slacks for sale’
i am giving a testimony of how i become rich and famous today… i was deeply strangled up by poverty and i had no body to help me, and also i search for help from different corners but to no avail… i see people around me getting rich but to me i was so ashamed of my self so i met a man on my way he was very rich and he was a doctor so he told me something and i think over it though out the day so the next day i looked up and i keep repeating what he said to me.
“if you want to get rich quick and be famous”
you need to cross your heart and do what
is in your mind
and save for quality slacks
so i pay for slacks and within minutes the great fraternity gave me $70,000,000.00 to start up my life…. and now am testifying that if in any case you want to join any great fraternity all you need to do is for you to contact them and do as instructed
You will not be mocking our slacks in hell, poor little creatures.
Please please find me iwant to join i have been looking for this for along time
SLACKS IS JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR PANTS. JOIN THE ILLUMINATI ORGANIZATION AND GET RICH , FAMOUS , SUCCESS ,’PROSPEROUS , ENLIGHTENMENT IN EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE . IT A PROMISE IF YOU CAN REALLY GET YOUR SELF INVOLVE IN THIS ORGANIZATION YOU WE BE AMONG THE BEST IN THE WORD SO IF YOU ARE INTERESTED CALL +2348675309 FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND ASSISTANCE.
Hell no, I ain’t gotta dream bou joinin y’all, probably yall gon leave all that on your way to hell, fuck !
I want wealth, power, influence and sex, and you offer me slacks? I do not see the connection.
Are you a member of the Illumanti in good standing, but without a current sinecure? Have no fear, Illuminati Placement Services is here. Just post your number and I will be in touch. Fame and fortune are almost yours again.
Don’t know the difference between pants and slacks? Fear not. The Illuminati are anxiously awaiting your calls. Join us now and become rich and powerful [sirfemiperez@gmail.com] OR CALL SIR FEMI ON 07057623144
Hay I think this is helpful but it still hasent showed me how to sell you’re soul or retrieve what you set out to receive
Boots and slacks, and boots and slacks…. Satanism.
http://www.kansascity.com/news/business/article1255251.html
My life is not going the way I want it to and I would like to change it, I desire WEALTH, POWER, INFLUENCE, GOOD CARS, STARDOM. I want my dreams to come through, and I am ready to join the illuminati today. I am confused by the references to slacks. I am prepared, however, to purchase a robe.
My tail. It snags my slacks.
Are there any Satanists running for office in Michigan today?
How can I join Illuminati here in Malawi?
There are not enough slacks in the world to help those of you commenting here.
I need illuminate in Malawi. Slacks not so much.
If you want to say goodbye to poverty and say welcome to riches for ever, put on the slacks.
JOIN the great satanic agents church to be rich famous and powerful, to ride upon the high place of the earth and to live without pains and poverty.
If you like to be a born again member of this satanic church just buy the slacks.
Regards
satanic agents
This is the greatest MM thread EVER. Redemptive stuff. Thank you Agent Alex for alerting me to its existence. I, too, want my body covered in free cheese. From head to toe.
Please and thank you.
My name is Natalie James,i want to share my wonderful testimony on how i got back my slacks and my ex-lover. i want to tell the people in the world there is a real spell caster online and is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr. Ekuma Ogbe, He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my Boyfriend who dumped me, as well as bring back my slacks. When i contacted Dr. Ekuma he cast a love spell for me and my Boyfriend who said he doesn’t have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me. For quick response i dropped my number at the first email i used in contacting him.
To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help Dr. Ekuma can also offer any types of help like Reuniting of marriage and relationship, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot’s more.Thanks once again wonderful man for helping me to bring my ex lover back to me,thank you,thank you again and again Dr Ekuma.
I was once like you. My wife were and I were financially down. We used to survive on one meal a day. We wore regular slacks. What kind of life was that to live. I lived in extreme poverty until I saw an opportunity to be a member of the GREAT TEMPLE OF ILLUMINATI BROTHERHOOD and I took my chances, but it never misfired. I have been a member for close to 10 years now. The higher you get, the richer you become in the Illuminati, and the better your slacks. It makes your business grow faster than you can ever imagine. Illuminati brings out the talent in you and make you famous.
As you become a member of Illuminati order, You will have an opportunity to receive benefits of up to US DOLLARS $ 500,000 in the first seven(7) days there are many more other benefits you stand to gain afterwards, like discounts at Sam’s Club and Olive Garden.
Most people who are just saying “join join” they are all conman especially those with Nigerian numbers.
How can a person join you with money while he/she is looking for that money??????? You don’t deduct from the benefits???????????? You don’t deduct for slacks????? You thieves stilling from the poor Africans!!!!!!!
Illuminati slacks suck…. too tight in the hips…. you’re always walking sideways, like a crab…. God wins all the time, the kingdom of darkness fails
For 14 months now, my brother has not worn slacks. Have you heard of such a thing.
I find all this talk of slacks to be problematic.
JOINING THE ILLUMINATI BRINGS YOU INTO THE LIMELIGHT OF THE WORLD IN WHICH YOU LIVE IN TODAY. YOUR FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES ARE BROUGHT TO AN END. YOUR INSEAMS LENGTHEN. WE SUPPORT YOU BOTH FINANCIALLY AND MATERIALLY TO ENSURE YOU LIVE A COMFORTABLE LIFE IN COMFORTABLE SLACKS. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHICH PART OF THE WORLD YOU LIVE IN. FROM THE UNITED STATES DOWN TO THE MOST REMOTE PART OF THE EARTH, WE BRING YOU ALL YOU WANT. BEING AN ILLITERATE OR A LITERATE IS NOT A BARRIER TO BEING A MILLIONAIRE BETWEEN TODAY AND THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. YOU BEING IN THIS, OUR OFFICIAL PAGE, TODAY SIGNIFIES THAT IT WAS ORDERED AND ARRANGED BY THE GREAT LUCIFER THAT FROM NOW ON, YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE THAT REAL AND INDEPENDENT HUMAN YOU HAVE ALWAYS WISHED YOU WERE.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/7e/b0/16/7eb0167b265dba8977c0a0e01070ddfc.jpg
I want to appreciate Lord Burgus Kema Mallas his Lordship for helping me find and acquire my slacks.
I HAVE BEEN IN SLACKS SINCE BIRTH
NOTHING
JOINING ILLUMINATI
FAKE
Am phillimon msiska from Malawi I have been seeking to join illuminati for a long time but nothing worked.. So if they is any one who can help me to join illuminati I will be very happy coz I really want to serve Lord lucifer..
Are you tired of the sad, powerless Christian slacks you currently wear? If so, talk with me. I might be able to help.
JOIN THE ILLUMINATI FOR RICHES, FAME, SLACKS AND ALL-ROUND SUCCESS. JOIN TODAY AND HAVE ALL YOUR DESIRES IN LIFE. NO HUMAN SACRIFICE: THE OCCULT FESTIVAL IS HERE AGAIN!
Slacks!