Now recruiting for Team Satan in Malawi

A few years ago, I posted a short piece about the practice of witchcraft in the African nation of Malawi, and, as a result, every six months or so, I get a strange comment in my in-box. Here’s the most recent one. It comes from a man in Lilongwe, Malawi who wants my help “joining” Satanism. Not having a membership package handy, I suggested that he look up my friend Pete, who is presently traveling through Africa, spreading the gospel of heavy metal, taking blood from cattle, and trying to unravel the mysteries of something called Q Fever. (I figure “scientist” and “witch” are probably pretty much interchangeable these days, especially when said scientists are taking blood from animals and studying spontaneous abortion in livestock.)

MalawiSatanism3

I was going to forward him information on joining the Santana Fan Club, offering it a the next best thing to joining Satanism, when it occurred to me that Pete might actually need some volunteers in Africa to help with the blood letting.

Speaking of Pete, he was supposed to come back to the U.S. a few days ago, but, as he found the airport in flames when he got to Nairobi, he had to change plans at the last minute. Given the recent State Department warnings concerning the possibility of terrorist attacks in Africa, and the fact that this particular fire just happened to break out on the 15th anniversary of the American Embassy bombings in Nairobi and Tanzania, I’m concerned about my old friend, but he tells me not to worry. He says people in Kenya love Americans… which, I guess, is understandable, given that our President was born there… And, even if that weren’t the case, I guess Pete’s always got Satan looking out for him, right?

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82 Comments

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    Posted August 10, 2013 at 6:57 am | Permalink

    Not surprisingly, “Join Team Satan” yields results on the web:

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  2. Dave
    Posted August 10, 2013 at 8:58 am | Permalink

    I think Satan is likely disappointed in Pete. He has so much potential, but then he retired from metal and went back to college. Satan hates shit like that.

  3. Eel
    Posted August 10, 2013 at 10:50 am | Permalink

    Taylor Swift is way more Satanic than the most evil Norwegian death metal band. And I’m not even joking.

  4. Angel '77
    Posted August 10, 2013 at 11:24 am | Permalink

    You joke about Carlos Santana, but he is a satanist. He worships a demon. It’s name is Metatron.

  5. Posted August 10, 2013 at 2:45 pm | Permalink

    I am happy that Malawi is finally turning to Satan. I think it’s your responsibility to guide them to the path of evil and debauchery.

  6. 734
    Posted August 10, 2013 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

    Pete, do you wear a hooded cloak when you take blood from animals? If so, what’s the soundtrack?

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    The same Metatron that plays for the Lions?

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    Than is the dissemination point for Initiates of the Outer Head of the Order, and for analyzing response to our more visible existence.

    We do not accept any sort of “Application” from the Public, however we do take note of individuals who are adequately interested in our “work” enough seek active involvement in anything we have interest in.

    Referrals are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest in illuminism, a certain character and nature, and the efforts made in their Business and Personal Affairs.

    Ask the check out agent at the Briarwood Mall SEARS.

    If you are interested in the evolution of Mankind and a “mutually beneficial” future, we may be interested in working with you.

  49. Mr frank
    Posted March 5, 2014 at 7:15 am | Permalink

    I am in Canada.
    Rich and famous.
    My body covered in free cheese.
    From head to toe.

  50. mr frank
    Posted March 6, 2014 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    Hello I am Mr frank by name
    I am from USA
    But now in Nigeria, I am one of the agents sent by the high
    priest to bring as many of those who are interested in
    becoming a member of
    the illuminati to the great
    illuminati temple,am a business man I own
    construction companies all over the world but I was
    ones like you I could not evening feed my family
    what kind of life was that to live I lived in poverty until I
    saw an
    opportunity at SEARS to be a member of the great illuminati
    brotherhood and I took
    my chances and I have been a member for close to three
    years now and the
    higher you get the richer you become.
    Illuminati pays money to your account illuminati
    makes your business grow these and many more
    other benefits so if you are interested contact our representative at the
    Hagar slacks display at the Briarwood Mall SEARS.

  51. james
    Posted March 7, 2014 at 4:28 am | Permalink

    Don’t get you Illuminati at Sears. That’s weak illuminati, with a lower case i. Get the Real ILLUMINATi at Abercrombie and Fitch. BROTHERHOOD OF ILLUMINATI CHURCH is THe REAL Illuminati!
    Easy way to join the Illuminati brotherhood in the world.
    Are you a business man or an artist, or a Politician, or just need a pants? We can help.

  52. MAIMA . D. KAMARA.
    Posted March 8, 2014 at 9:07 pm | Permalink

    can anyone tell me how to join this I need to get rich and famouspowerful well prepared to join please tell me what Must I do to join this my email address is kamaramaima@yahoo.com thanks

  53. johnson leeh
    Posted March 15, 2014 at 9:53 pm | Permalink

    These slacks, while comfortable, do not occommodate my occult items. Is it acceptable to wear a fannypack?

  54. rabat
    Posted March 17, 2014 at 8:29 am | Permalink

    This is all crap about illuminati;i was willing to join but i cant admit to throw my money again;if you are an agent why ask alot of money to register a less fortunate seeker of truth?why cant there be sponsors for new members and if you are rich reward back?i dnt bliv that surroundin shit;i will believe if one contacts me;email,petermutwa38@gmail.com;waitin

  55. ishmael
    Posted March 19, 2014 at 4:55 pm | Permalink

    shitty shit scammers… evil is for free.
    How can a persin have to pay to sell his soul?

  56. MRS CARIMAR MAGNUS
    Posted March 21, 2014 at 1:43 am | Permalink

    HELLO EVERYBODY HERE IS MY TESTIMONY TO BE SHARED WORLDWIDE

    What an amazing world we are living in…
    My name is MRS CARIMAR MAGNUS from GERMANY,my husband and i have been marriage for 5 years without any kid and no job for the both us,we have been so worried, cried all day of my life seeking for help,discussing my private life with different kinds of people all to no avail.I was reading a magazine when I stumble on a page titled the spell caster by DR.AMOLOR.i decided to contact him and gave him a try to help us solve our difficult situation i contacted him and he told me not to worry that the gods of his forefathers will fight for me and my husband.He then told me that by midnight when all the evil spirits are asleep he will cast the spell and he did it for less down 5 day and immediately after the spell was casted the next morning my husband received a phone call to come for a job interview and was given the job by evening i was in the sitting room when i got a call for a company’s contract to be paid a huge some of money and later that same month i was pregnant with a set of twins and also i deliver them safely with the help of thisdr.lol…my family are happy for what the great spell caster did for us.if you are a victim of this and any problem relating to bringing back your EX,PENNIS OR BREAST ENLARGEMENT,WIN VISA LOTTERY,WINNING AN ELECTION,GETING RICH AND BEEN FAMOUS IN ANY KIND OF SPORT,MUSIC AND IN FILM INDUSTRY and SO many other problem you can think of you have. contact him.

  57. mr fleix
    Posted March 24, 2014 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

    These slacks are itchy. Why we cannont dress in robes?

  58. illuminati reigns
    Posted March 30, 2014 at 7:30 pm | Permalink

    Related?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR_myjOr0OU

  59. Juliet
    Posted April 3, 2014 at 12:27 am | Permalink

    These slacks are cutting off the circulation to my nether regions. This cannot be your intention. I anxiously await your response, oh master.

  60. W.T. Ilder
    Posted April 8, 2014 at 5:36 pm | Permalink

    I apparently picked the wrong religion. In Scientology you don’t get slacks until you reach OT IV.

  61. john
    Posted April 17, 2014 at 1:25 am | Permalink

    Real satanists wear sweatpants.

  62. Deprince Sunday
    Posted April 20, 2014 at 1:02 am | Permalink

    My brothers and my sister i will like to say that jesus is the only way out. And he can also make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. And he doesn’t dictate what kinds of pants you wear. Truely i can show u how to make $100 every week that is $16,000 without joing the church of satan. Like me now i make $225,000 every month and am just 28 years old. Go to Abercrombie and Fitch at 12 Oaks and ask for Brad.

  63. Chas Banda
    Posted April 28, 2014 at 8:33 am | Permalink

    I have tried to apply for membership but i have not been replied. Is this real or just a scam, because some people have nothing to do but just send scam on the internet.

  64. illuminati ADMIN
    Posted May 8, 2014 at 8:45 pm | Permalink

    As of the end of this month, we will also be accepting individuals who have purchased their Hagar slacks online through the following gIlluminati-approved portal.

    http://www.haggar.com/home/index.jsp

  65. questioning
    Posted May 10, 2014 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    To reach the state of “clear” in the Church of Scientology, you have to spend over $20,000 in Northface merchandise. I know little about the Church of Illuminati, but, assuming their’s a comparable level of spiritual enlightenment, how many pair of slacks must someone purchase to attain it?

  66. Henry Clark
    Posted May 12, 2014 at 8:55 am | Permalink

    Do you take nothings serious. the world of fire calls you name and you shout ‘slacks for sale’

  67. jonson
    Posted May 21, 2014 at 6:46 pm | Permalink

    i am giving a testimony of how i become rich and famous today… i was deeply strangled up by poverty and i had no body to help me, and also i search for help from different corners but to no avail… i see people around me getting rich but to me i was so ashamed of my self so i met a man on my way he was very rich and he was a doctor so he told me something and i think over it though out the day so the next day i looked up and i keep repeating what he said to me.

    “if you want to get rich quick and be famous”
    you need to cross your heart and do what
    is in your mind
    and save for quality slacks

    so i pay for slacks and within minutes the great fraternity gave me $70,000,000.00 to start up my life…. and now am testifying that if in any case you want to join any great fraternity all you need to do is for you to contact them and do as instructed

  68. illuminati
    Posted May 27, 2014 at 6:46 pm | Permalink

    You will not be mocking our slacks in hell, poor little creatures.

  69. Blessings masikia
    Posted June 5, 2014 at 2:22 pm | Permalink

    Please please find me iwant to join i have been looking for this for along time

  70. illuminati
    Posted June 5, 2014 at 4:20 pm | Permalink

    SLACKS IS JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR PANTS. JOIN THE ILLUMINATI ORGANIZATION AND GET RICH , FAMOUS , SUCCESS ,’PROSPEROUS , ENLIGHTENMENT IN EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE . IT A PROMISE IF YOU CAN REALLY GET YOUR SELF INVOLVE IN THIS ORGANIZATION YOU WE BE AMONG THE BEST IN THE WORD SO IF YOU ARE INTERESTED CALL +2348675309 FOR FURTHER INFORMATION AND ASSISTANCE.

  71. Posted June 7, 2014 at 9:25 pm | Permalink

    Hell no, I ain’t gotta dream bou joinin y’all, probably yall gon leave all that on your way to hell, fuck !

  72. Elder Ross
    Posted June 27, 2014 at 9:25 pm | Permalink

    I want wealth, power, influence and sex, and you offer me slacks? I do not see the connection.

  73. mr john
    Posted July 18, 2014 at 11:21 am | Permalink

    Are you a member of the Illumanti in good standing, but without a current sinecure? Have no fear, Illuminati Placement Services is here. Just post your number and I will be in touch. Fame and fortune are almost yours again.

  74. sir femi perez
    Posted July 27, 2014 at 8:58 pm | Permalink

    Don’t know the difference between pants and slacks? Fear not. The Illuminati are anxiously awaiting your calls. Join us now and become rich and powerful [sirfemiperez@gmail.com] OR CALL SIR FEMI ON 07057623144

  75. Shantease Saunders
    Posted August 22, 2014 at 6:24 am | Permalink

    Hay I think this is helpful but it still hasent showed me how to sell you’re soul or retrieve what you set out to receive

  76. john smith
    Posted August 31, 2014 at 11:42 pm | Permalink

    Boots and slacks, and boots and slacks…. Satanism.

    http://www.kansascity.com/news/business/article1255251.html

  77. DAVID STONE
    Posted September 4, 2014 at 9:14 am | Permalink

    My life is not going the way I want it to and I would like to change it, I desire WEALTH, POWER, INFLUENCE, GOOD CARS, STARDOM. I want my dreams to come through, and I am ready to join the illuminati today. I am confused by the references to slacks. I am prepared, however, to purchase a robe.

  78. mr smith
    Posted October 2, 2014 at 2:48 pm | Permalink

    My tail. It snags my slacks.

  79. mr randy
    Posted November 4, 2014 at 10:08 am | Permalink

    Are there any Satanists running for office in Michigan today?

  80. Patrick
    Posted May 18, 2015 at 2:24 am | Permalink

    How can I join Illuminati here in Malawi?

  81. ILLUMINATI
    Posted May 25, 2015 at 8:25 pm | Permalink

    There are not enough slacks in the world to help those of you commenting here.

  82. GRANT PHIRI
    Posted June 18, 2015 at 5:34 am | Permalink

    I need illuminate in Malawi. Slacks not so much.

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