On the rollout of mandatory gay marriage and the assigning of same-sex spouses

I posted something similar on Facebook earlier this evening, and received the following response from a friend, explaining how Obama will likely go about assigning gay spouses.

I suspect that she’s kidding, and that she doesn’t really have an inside track on how it will go down, but I found the idea to be interesting… Or, at least, I found it a welcomed diversion as I was washing dishes just now. I’d need to break out a tape measure to be sure, but, if I’m not mistaken, the Closest Straight Male (CSM) in proximity to me at the moment is a young former employee of the Ypsi Food Co-op by the name of Adam… who I think would be completely creeped out if he knew that the middle aged father of two next door was, at this very moment, wondering what our married life together would be like.

In all seriousness, we need to start planning one hell of a big street party/riot for later this summer, when we get word from the Supreme Court. Either way, this is going to be huge, historic…. and super gay.

[I apologize for the gratuitous small penis joke above. I really do try to use them sparingly. Something about Kirk Cameron, though, really brings out the worst in me.]

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  1. Posted March 27, 2013 at 8:07 pm | Permalink

    I blurred out the name of my Facebook friend as I didn’t want this to negatively impact her ability to find gainful employment in the future.

  2. anoonymous
    Posted March 27, 2013 at 8:18 pm | Permalink

    If I had to be with an animal, I’d be with otter.

  3. Elviscostello
    Posted March 27, 2013 at 8:35 pm | Permalink

    anoonymous, you mean Tim Matheson? He was an “animal” in the “house”,,,

  4. Kerri
    Posted March 27, 2013 at 8:38 pm | Permalink

    You should put that caption text in an alt tag for the image so it’s searchable! It would make me very happy if people searching for “Kirk Cameron penis” ended up here.

  5. Elliott
    Posted March 27, 2013 at 8:43 pm | Permalink

    Gay marriage is the right thing to do. It’s inevitable. And everyone knows that it’s going to happen eventually. But that’s now why I want it to happen. I want it to happen because it will tear apart the Republican party in this country once and for all.

    Mike Huckabee: “If GOP accepts gay marriage Evangelicals will form a third party.”


  6. anonymous
    Posted March 27, 2013 at 8:57 pm | Permalink

    No, I meant real otters. I think they’re beautiful. I don’t know how it would work in a practical sense, given how they live in the ocean, and I live on land, but I think it would be worth exploring, once bestiality becomes the law of the land. I expect that everyone else will gravitate toward sheep dogs.

  7. Eel
    Posted March 27, 2013 at 9:26 pm | Permalink

    Say what you will about Kirk Cameron, but the the thought of him and Ken Ham going at it in the Creation Museum late at night makes me feel tingly.

  8. Edward
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 6:54 am | Permalink

    Dear God, if video does exist of Ken Ham and Kirk Cameron making love, please also let Fred Phelps be involved somehow.

  9. karen
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 6:59 am | Permalink

    If old Tiger Beat magazines are any indication, Kirk Cameron looks pretty hung. He may not be Jon Hamm hung, but he certainly wouldn’t be afraid to piss in a trough urinal because he’s embarrassed. Leonardo DiCaprio pretty much confirmed this when he was doing publicity tours for Titanic.

  10. Watching Ypsi
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 7:54 am | Permalink

    Hollywood total BS.

  11. double anonymous
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 8:01 am | Permalink

    Karen, I used to think that people on this site were being unfair when they portrayed you as cock-obsessed, and unusually fixated by Mark’s penis. Now, though, I’m not so sure.

  12. Mr. Y
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 8:31 am | Permalink

    Background on Penisgate:


  13. K2
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 8:36 am | Permalink

    Dogs don’t live long enough to make good life partners. I’d try to find a loveable tortoise, and then make it soft and cuddly by strapping on a pillow.

  14. Mr. X
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 9:05 am | Permalink

    From the New Yorker:

    Everyone knows that same-sex marriage is here to stay; indeed, it’s expanding throughout the country at a pace that few could have imagined just a few years ago. The Justices were not irrelevant to the process, but they weren’t central either. They knew that—and so did everyone else.

    I don’t mean to diminish the significance of the issues in the Proposition 8 and DOMA cases. Edith Windsor, the highly appealing plaintiff in the DOMA case, illustrated in stark terms the stakes of that case. She had to pay $363,000 in inheritance taxes because DOMA, the 1996 law, forced the Internal Revenue Service to treat her late wife as a legal stranger. If Justice Anthony Kennedy was previewing his vote with his comments, then Windsor will likely get her money back—not because DOMA is a piece of legislative bigotry, but because Kennedy has a consuming affection for state’s rights. (In other words, he thinks that the states alone should define the meaning of marriage.)

    Indirectly, the two most memorable moments in Wednesday’s argument made clear how much the world had changed—and why the Supreme Court was kind of a sideshow to what’s really going on in the country.

    About midway through the argument, Paul Clement, who was representing the House Republicans and defending DOMA, was cruising along. He was portraying DOMA as almost a kind of housekeeping measure, designed to keep federal law consistent across all fifty states. As Clement told it, there was almost no ideological content to the law at all.

    Then Justice Elena Kagan swiftly and elegantly lowered the boom on him. She said, “Well, is what happened in 1996—and I’m going to quote from the House Report here—is that ‘Congress decided … to express moral disapproval of homosexuality.’” A collective woo went through the audience. Kagan had the temerity to tell what everyone knew to be the truth—that DOMA was a bigoted law designed to humiliate and oppress gay people.

    Clement, an eloquent advocate in oral arguments, was reduced to stammering like Ralph Kramden. He said that was not enough to invalidate the law: “Look, we are not going to strike down a statute just because a couple of legislators may have had an improper motive.” But suddenly it was clear. No one could deny that there was an improper motive—anti-gay prejudice—underlying DOMA.

    The rest of the article can be found here:

  15. Meta
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 9:55 am | Permalink

    On the subject of splitting the Republican party, this comes from today’s Free Press.

    A group of state Republicans is calling for the resignation of Republican National Committeeman Dave Agema over an antigay posting on his Facebook page.

    Agema’s posting Wednesday, during U.S. Supreme Court oral arguments regarding the legality of same-sex marriage, was based on an online article titled, “Everyone Should Know These Statistics on Homosexuals,” which appeared under the byline Frank Joseph, M.D.

    The post depicts gays as sexually promiscuous, rife with sexually transmitted diseases and responsible for “half the murders in large cities.”

    Dennis Lennox, a Grand Traverse County Republican precinct delegate and former county drain commissioner, issued a statement Wednesday signed by 20 other Republicans condemning Agema’s “deplorable actions” and calling for his resignation.

    “This isn’t about what we believe either politically or as women and men of faith,” the statement said. “This is about common decency and realizing that you cannot win an election by insulting a wide swath of the electorate, whose votes our Republican Party needs to once again form a national majority.”

    Agema, who was elected as one of two Michigan representatives on the Republican National Committee in May after having served as a Republican state representative from Grandville, responded to criticism on Facebook by saying he posted facts and facts make people uncomfortable, according to the Lansing political newsletter Gongwer.

    In a statement e-mailed to the Free Press this morning, Agema said he posted something someone else had written and “some publications and even a few liberal Republicans have chosen to take the words of someone else and cast them as my own.

    “I think it was a piece worth sharing given the debate over gay marriage that is happening in the Supreme Court,” Agema said.

    Read more:

  16. 734
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 10:03 am | Permalink

    I want to seduce a squeaky frog.


  17. AM
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 12:25 pm | Permalink

    The closest straight male to me is my father. :(

  18. John Galt
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

    You can joke around about this, but it’s real, dammit.


  19. John Galt Sr.
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 2:15 pm | Permalink

    They’re making us gay with their television. You think it’s a joke, but it’s really happening. Will and Grace did more damage to this country than a nuclear weapon. I try to explain this to my family, and they just don’t get it. They don’t understand why. It’s about population. It’s about the rapid depopulation of the planet. They want everyone gay so that there are few children, and less global warming. It’s social engineering by ecofascists.

  20. Robert
    Posted March 28, 2013 at 10:09 pm | Permalink

    Rumor is that the Obamacare death panels will also be selecting and assigning us our same-sex mates.

  21. Mr. Y
    Posted March 29, 2013 at 7:33 am | Permalink

    Obama wants to gay sex us to death!

  22. Elviscostello
    Posted March 29, 2013 at 8:10 am | Permalink

    “This isn’t about what we believe either politically or as women and men of faith,” the statement said. “This is about common decency and realizing that you cannot win an election by insulting a wide swath of the electorate, whose votes our Republican Party needs to once again form a national majority.”
    In other words, we agree with “Goat-killer Agema” on the substance, it’s just that his messaging was bad…

  23. A Favor to Ask
    Posted March 29, 2013 at 8:24 am | Permalink

    Can someone make one of these (http://imgur.com/3rCGLZg) with Kirk Cameron and Ken Ham?

  24. Robert
    Posted March 31, 2013 at 9:55 am | Permalink

    What’s Alan Thicke’s opinion on all this?

  25. Robert
    Posted March 31, 2013 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    Rob Reiner will be appointed “Queer Tzar.” He’s on NBC’s Meathead the Press right now rubbing it in.

  26. Posted April 1, 2013 at 8:40 am | Permalink

    Personally, I think Mark & Adam would be great together. So cute. But the wives & kids might object.

  27. Meta
    Posted April 1, 2013 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    Prominent Republican warns that straight people will begin entering into gay marriages.


  28. Adam
    Posted April 4, 2013 at 8:32 am | Permalink

    Mark, if the gay agenda of our exotic Kenyan/Indonesian, Black-Nationalist/Klansman, Christian/Muslim, socialist/crony-capitalist, Commie-Nazi president really must come to pass, I can only thank our fair-skinned Lord and Savior that you’re the Closest Straight Male!

  29. XXX
    Posted April 4, 2013 at 1:10 pm | Permalink

    It’s springtime, and love is in the air!

  30. Legalization of TV
    Posted June 29, 2013 at 2:38 am | Permalink

    I just hope they know what they’re getting into. I know the grass is always greener, but marriage isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be.

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