My first biopsy

I just made my way through another “old man right of passage” today. I had my first biopsy. My doctor was concerned about the changing shape, color, and texture of a spot on my hand, and he decided that it should be cut off and sent to the lab. So, today, in his office, he walked a young medical student through the process as she extracted a large, pencil eraser-sized plug of my flesh with a device that operated pretty much like an apple-corer. I asked her, as she was sewing me back up, if this was her first time doing anything like this, and she admitted that it was, adding that, up until today, she’d only been able to practice her suturing skills on chicken skin. I felt really happy for her.

update: I was lucky. It turned out not to be cancerous. It’s what they call seborrheic keratosis. This is good news… at least for me.

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  1. Anonymous
    Posted December 13, 2019 at 9:27 am | Permalink

    After five, you get one free!

  2. Anonymatt
    Posted December 13, 2019 at 9:52 am | Permalink

    Suture self.

  3. Jean Henry
    Posted December 13, 2019 at 10:20 am | Permalink

    My experience of same was somewhat dissociative. I felt like a piece of chicken meat– just a bodily thing subject to rot. And then the test comes back benign, which is what happens most often, and you go right back to the dancing and fretting– the real delusion– again.

    I hope your chicken meat tests out clean.

  4. Lynne
    Posted December 13, 2019 at 11:11 am | Permalink

    I also hope everything comes back clean. Chemotherapy sucks!

  5. Anonymous
    Posted December 13, 2019 at 1:28 pm | Permalink

    Was the whole lesion removed by the biopsy, or is there some left behind?

    The lab

  6. Posted December 14, 2019 at 9:25 am | Permalink

    The whole lesion was not removed, Anonymous. They just took a chunk between two areas of interest, getting pieces of both. If it comes back positive, I’m sure they’ll want to take the rest of it.

    And thank you all for the thoughts.

  7. Posted December 14, 2019 at 9:26 am | Permalink

    And here’s hoping that your health continues to improve, Lynne.

  8. Posted December 14, 2019 at 9:31 am | Permalink

    I enjoyed watching them do the procedure. They thought that I might get queasy, and suggested that I close my eyes as they were pulling the plug out. The young student doing the work said something like, “I have to close my eyes when I’m doing things like this.” I responded by saying something like, “Then maybe you shouldn’t be a doctor,” or “Then how do you know if your pulling out the right chunk of flesh”? To which she said something like, “Oh, no, I mean I close my eyes when I’m having things done to me, not when I’m doing them to other people.” She was relieved, I think, when I told her that I was kidding… Anyway, I liked watching the procedure. I also liked it when, waking up in the middle of my colonoscopy, I got to watch some of the procedure on the screen. It’s fascinating stuff.

  9. iRobert
    Posted December 14, 2019 at 11:17 pm | Permalink

    I’m not a doctor, but it sounds like some sort of blogging-induced stigmata.

  10. iRobert
    Posted December 14, 2019 at 11:49 pm | Permalink

    I always thought the spokesperson to encourage colonoscopies should be Cameron Diaz.

  11. Sad
    Posted December 15, 2019 at 9:33 am | Permalink

    I’m surprised FF has yet to disparage this post.

  12. iRobert
    Posted December 15, 2019 at 7:30 pm | Permalink

    I was going to attack Mark for having this fetish for all this poking and prodding he gets done.

  13. Jean Henry
    Posted December 15, 2019 at 11:29 pm | Permalink

    Charming as ever iRobert. Do you ever miss a chance to attack someone when they expose any vulnerability? Weak character.

  14. iRobert
    Posted December 15, 2019 at 11:45 pm | Permalink

    I’m sure Mark’s devistated by my comment.

    You’re a hero, Jean.

  15. iRobert
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 12:01 am | Permalink

    You know, Mark, Jean had a similar procedure done years ago. The small growth the doctor removed in that case was biopsied and it turned out to be her sense of humor.

  16. Jean Henry
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 5:10 am | Permalink

    As I’ve said in the past– if you were funny, it might be worth it.

  17. iRobert
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 7:58 am | Permalink

    I’m trying. I’m trying….desperately.

    Which current comedians do you recommend I study?

  18. Sad
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 9:51 am | Permalink

    Abby McEnany

  19. iRobert
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 10:11 am | Permalink

    Pretty weak stuff, Sad. Do you have any link to some great material McEnany has done?

  20. Sad
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 11:03 am | Permalink

    Fine. Just carry on with your Don Rickles shtick.

  21. iRobert
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    The dead therapist bit is actually not bad.

  22. iRobert
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 11:11 am | Permalink

    I was asking Jean to recommend some contemporary comedians by the way, Sad. You kind of stepped in and fucked up that set-up.

  23. Jean Henry
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

    You can’t become a funny person iRobert. People just are naturally funny or they are not. Know your lane.

    Mark is by far the funniest person in this forum. Whoever does that Hyborian Pudlord schtick is pretty great. Probably just Mark.

    I like Dave Chapelle, Mike Birbiglia, Neal Brennan, Tig Notaro, Jenny Slate, Sarah Silverman. Ali Wong, Margaret Cho, Ricky Gervais, Zach Galifinakas of the current crop of stand-ups off the top of my head. Carlin and Prior are my favorites of the old guard. President Obama was witty as hell. Trump is really truly and deeply unfunny. Phoebe Waller Bridge and Donald Glover are not comedians (I think), but they are damn funny and brilliant and innovative. So much talent out there. No need to try to play in that field.

    Not sure what I’m setting myself up for but have at it.

  24. iRobert
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

    I’m going to keep on dreaming, Jean. You’ll never crush my dreams. I’m going to say something funny one day. You’ll see.

  25. Satan
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 4:35 pm | Permalink

    Don’t get too cocky, iRobert. Jean has crushed a lot of dreams in her time.

  26. Jean Henry
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 8:58 pm | Permalink

    Just watched Michelle Wolf’s new stand up special with my son. She’s amazing and from my hometown. I guess growing up in Trumpland can turn a person to the shrill, vulgar and bitchy. She’s funny.

    Hey Satan! Long time no see. How’s it hanging? I’m out here stomping dreams and killing joy– and not to mention the unborn– just like you told me to, iRobert is still standing on the crossroads waiting for you so he can trade his soul for a sense of humor. Yeah, I know…

  27. Satan
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 10:15 pm | Permalink

    Hey Jean! It’s hanging well. Thanks for asking, and thanks for all the help. It can’t be denied that things are going very well for me now. All a person has to do is open their eyes and take a look around. I’m not one to toot my own horn but I’m really on a roll.

    I have no interest in iRobert’s worthless soul, and I doubt I could make him funny, so I won’t be making him any offers. Still, I’m sure he’ll be crawling into my pawn shop soon. The poor thing never had a hope.

  28. iRobert
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 10:37 pm | Permalink

    Spoiler alert, Satan. Ultimately, you lose. I assume you’ve heard about that. Sorry. I know that’s gotta hurt.

  29. Satan
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 11:00 pm | Permalink

    Aww. That’s very sweet of you. But don’t you go worrying about me. I’m going to be just fine regardless. I appreciate the concern though.

  30. Sad
    Posted December 16, 2019 at 11:27 pm | Permalink

    Satan will HW be going to hell?

  31. Satan
    Posted December 17, 2019 at 8:02 am | Permalink

    If it is Q’s will, yes.

  32. Jean Henry
    Posted December 17, 2019 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    iRobert believes Satan loses ‘in the end????’ Never pegged hum as a true believer. He has finally surprised me. I feel super confident that Satan, to the extent that he represents and encourages the human self-destructive nature, is absolutely going to win in the end. Whenever that is. There is zero evidence he won’t. I’m actually pretty confident that heaven may follow the end of human existence on Earth. I kind of think we are the devil.

  33. Jean Henry
    Posted December 17, 2019 at 9:49 pm | Permalink

  34. Posted January 2, 2020 at 9:51 pm | Permalink

    It wasn’t cancer. It was seborrheic keratosis, which is good news.

  35. Jean Henry
    Posted January 3, 2020 at 12:30 am | Permalink

    Very good.

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