No, I don’t have a soiled mattress fetish

jonesmattress

A few months ago, while out walking my dog around Ypsi, I saw what appeared to be a brand new mattress sitting by the side of the road. And, as most mattresses one sees on the side of the road in Ypsi look like they were just pulled from the scene of a double homicide at a diarrhea factory, I took notice. [That mattress in question can be seen in the image above.] I not only took notice, but I snapped a photo and posted it to Facebook in hopes that maybe someone I knew could find a use for it. Well, in doing so, I seem to have ignited the imagination of local musician Matt Jones, who has since made it his mission in life not only to taunt me with photos of discarded mattresses on social media, but to put forward the theory that I have a fetish for soiled Sealy Posturepedics. My hope was that, if I ignored him, he would stop. That doesn’t, however, seem to be the case. If anything, his obsession seems to be intensifying… The following video, to give you a sense of what I’ve been dealing with, was just recently posted to my Facebook page by Jones, resulting in messages from three people who wanted to know what my “deal” was with roadside mattresses.

As for why this is happening, I don’t know. If I had to guess, I’d say that Jones is angry that, during an episode of my radio show this past winter, I allowed local musician Gregory McIntosh to speculate at length about his fetishes. [According to Macintosh, Jones has something called Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR), which, in his particular case, means that he becomes sexually aroused when he hears people either chewing or whispering.] His motivations don’t really matter, though. All that matters is that we work together as a community to put a quick end to this idea that I’m turned on by filthy, discarded mattresses. And, with that in mind, I’d like to suggest that all of you put signs in your front yards that say something to the effect of, “Mark Maynard does not want to sniff your mattress.” I think that should bring this all of this to a quick end, right?

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17 Comments

  1. Steven Holt
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 6:05 am | Permalink

    I know you have a warehouse full of used mattresses somewhere. I just know it.

  2. Z
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    ASMR just means you get a tingly head sensation when you hear certain sounds.

    The chewing thing usually relates to misophonia- http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2015/08/misophonia_research_disorder_of_irritation_by_chewing_lip_smacking_sniffing.html

  3. Chris Buhalis
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 9:24 am | Permalink

    Mark, how do you expect us to take the word of a media elitist like yourself over the FB comments of someone with an axe to grind?

  4. Eel
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 9:49 am | Permalink

    So, if I whisper around Matt, he’ll get a boner?

  5. Gregory McIntosh
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 10:47 am | Permalink

    And so it was, in early summer 2016, Chris Buhalis also became a target.

  6. Adam Eichner
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 10:53 am | Permalink

    The sooner you can get honest with yourself, the sooner you can begin to heal the addiction. Just saying.

  7. Matt Jones
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 10:56 am | Permalink

    “as most mattresses one sees on the side of the road in Ypsi look like they were just pulled from the scene of a double homicide at a diarrhea factory, [and because that is exactly the kind of thing that really gets my motor running] I took notice.”

  8. 734
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    Please mend your fences with Matt and form a super group with Jim Cherewick called “Double Homicide at the Diarrhea Factory”.

  9. Mr. X
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 11:10 am | Permalink

    Like Matt Jones wouldn’t spontaneously ejaculate at the site of a Civil War era mattress.

  10. Alexis Ford
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 11:34 am | Permalink

    If bed bugs, sweat marks and cum stains are your thing, then boy howdy, do we have a tourist destination for you!

  11. Matt Jones
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 11:35 am | Permalink

    omg mark’s head just exploded from sheer lust, alexis.

  12. Kat
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 1:54 pm | Permalink

    I’m not sure what they’re up to, but Mark and Matt are clearly up to something.

  13. Stewart Beal
    Posted June 3, 2016 at 7:00 am | Permalink

    As someone who spends a significant portion of their day dealing with used mattresses, I find this entire thing fascinating.

  14. Joe Bertoletti
    Posted June 3, 2016 at 7:07 am | Permalink

    Mark’s Washtenaw Avenue Mattress Anthology (WAMA) to go with Matt’s River Street Anthology (RSA)?

  15. facebook stalker
    Posted June 3, 2016 at 10:01 am | Permalink

    Stewart Beal is not inundating Mark with photos of dirty mattresses on Facebook.

  16. Nick
    Posted June 21, 2016 at 9:56 am | Permalink

    To walk by a road mattress and not fuck is like walking through life without actually living.

  17. Jim
    Posted June 6, 2018 at 8:37 am | Permalink

    Used mattress alert:
    https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/04/politics/trump-hotel-mattress-scott-pruitt/index.html

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