Totally Quotable Linette: “but what will the vegans think” edition

When I get a cold, like the one I’ve had for the past few days, I tend to make and eat spicy chili. It never makes me well, but, for some reason, I’m convinced that one day it’ll do the trick. (As I believe antibiotics are overprescribed, and refuse to take them when I get sick, I have to rely on home remedies.) So, I dragged myself out to the store for the required ingredients yesterday, and a few bottles of juice. What you read above is what Linette said to me upon my return. You see, we have some vegan friends coming to stay with us later this week, and, as I stood there, hacking my guts out and unpacking bag after bag of meat, you could kind of see the wheels in her head turning. Part of her – the part that loves me – wanted to be supportive of my plan to restore my health through a concoction of spicy meat and beans. I could see it. But, another part of her felt like she’d be a bad friend if she allowed me befoul our kitchen so close to the big day. So, she thought about it for a second, and then gave me her edict. I had permission to make chili, as long as I promised to make it all go away by noon on Thursday. And, not only that, but she also wanted a few other odds and ends to disappear. So, in between hellacious coughing fits, I’ve spent the past few days forcing bits of turkey burger, pork loin and chili into my great, oozing mouth. I should add, in case my vegan friends are reading this, that I did my best to cover my mouth when coughing, so as not to emit great clouds of aerosolized pork and beef. What’s more, all the meat is now gone, and we are all on the path to recovery…. Who knows, this all-meat binge might have been just what I needed to give the nasty, delicious stuff up once again.

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  1. Bob
    Posted September 27, 2011 at 9:21 pm | Permalink

    I think the obvious reason that the chili is failing is your inclusion of beans. Real chili should not include beans and it is messing up the healing properties.

  2. Posted September 27, 2011 at 9:28 pm | Permalink

    Without the beans, how do you get the intoxicating and healing gasses?

  3. Andrew Jason Clock
    Posted September 27, 2011 at 11:22 pm | Permalink

    I find that “hot” Pad Thai from Thai Thai help to burn away illness. And anything else that might be in its way.

  4. Andrew Jason Clock
    Posted September 27, 2011 at 11:22 pm | Permalink

    As I also have this evil, evil cold, I plan on going there tomorrow.

  5. james
    Posted September 28, 2011 at 12:00 am | Permalink

    Antibiotics would do as much as your chili for a cold, since the common cold is caused by a virus and antibiotics don’t work against viruses.

  6. Anonymatt
    Posted September 28, 2011 at 5:24 am | Permalink

    What James said.

    Also, I find hot, spicy food can act as a decongestant when you have a cold.

  7. Eel
    Posted September 28, 2011 at 6:18 am | Permalink

    Isn’t aerosolized pork how we finally killed bin Laden?

  8. gary
    Posted September 28, 2011 at 7:30 am | Permalink

    when aren’t bits of pork and turkey coming out of your mouth when you open it?

  9. Kassandra
    Posted September 28, 2011 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    I’m hungry.

  10. Edward
    Posted September 28, 2011 at 9:28 am | Permalink

    I have a great recipe for vegan chili. The only hard part is getting your hands on two tender, young vegans. They’re fast and wiry.

  11. maria c.
    Posted September 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    OK-first of all, you can bring all leftover meat to my house.
    Second-the BEST cure for cold/flu, etc is Spanish garlic soup.
    Here’s how you make it.
    10-20 cloves of garlic
    one onion
    4 cups broth or water
    2-4 eggs
    2-4 cups of stale bread
    salt, pepper, paprika to taste

    Saute 10-20 whole cloves of garlic and one sliced onion in olive oil till they are soft.
    stew (for about 30 minutes) the garlic and onions in about 4 cups of water, or better yet, chicken broth or water and chicken brother, whatever you prefer.
    add paprika, salt, pepper
    In the meantime, fry your croutons in olive oil and season with a bit of salt and paprika.
    When the soup is close to done, drop in 2-4 eggs and stir.
    add croutons to the pot (its ok for them to get soggy, because they blend with the egg and its delicious)

    The recipe does include ovum, so vegans may not eat it, unless their chickens are raised in a lesbian feminist utopia like ours, in which case their dear sweet, yummy eggs are cruelty free and, more importantly, unfertilized.
    Hope this helps for next time.

  12. Mr. X
    Posted September 28, 2011 at 12:51 pm | Permalink

    Bless you, Maria. You’re a saint!

  13. Busyish
    Posted September 30, 2011 at 12:45 pm | Permalink

    I would love to find a local source of cruelty-free eggs….i.e., from well-loved chickens just chilling around the yard until they finally die from old age. Are these lesbian feminist utopia eggs ever available for purchase?

  14. maria c.
    Posted October 1, 2011 at 5:31 pm | Permalink

    Since we only have two chickens, we never get enough to sell (just two per day, and they are small, and light green!). BUT there’s a super nice lady at the Ypsi farmer’s market who sells eggs from chickens she clearly loves. We always talk chickens with her when we go to the market, and she is definitely giving them the best lives imaginable. I don’t know her name but she is pretty and petite, with long dirty blond hair.

  15. Posted October 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm | Permalink

    I recommend raw garlic. You can either mix it into hummus, or do as the Italians do, and rub it into a slice of toasted Italian bread. Or both, of course. And absinthe, too, plenty of absinthe.

  16. Busyish
    Posted October 1, 2011 at 8:10 pm | Permalink

    Thank you, Maria C.! I guess I better start getting up on Saturdays.

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