Ted Haggard, certified-straight man of God, signals move to reality television

Remember Ted Haggard, the respected Colorado mega-church leader who routinely condemned degenerate homosexuals from the pulpit while himself enjoying the company of gay prostitutes and the effects of methamphetamine? Well, he’s back in the news today. According to the now certificably-straight Haggard, he’s opening a new church with the help of his wife and family. Here’s a clip from the Atlanta Atheism Examiner:

…Today’s press conference, only moments ago, revealed the plans to open his new church to be named St. James Church, referring to the book of James and saying, “faith without works is dead.” The initial expectation is not to have another mega church, but rather Haggard would be “happy with a handful of people”….

An invitation to all people from different walks of life was given by Haggard, inclusive of all sexual orientations. Haggard says, “I don’t judge people anymore.” The goal of the church, according to Haggard, “is to help those that are broken.” He described himself by proclaiming, “I am still broken… some.”

An immediate opening for counseling of couples was surprisingly offered by letting people know that the Haggard’s home phone number was listed in the local phone book.

When asked about what positions he would take as pastor, Haggard said that he would take the bible “verse by verse” and not with the desire to be a “political activist”. The first official sermon will start with the book of Hebrews, Haggard announced…

Putting aside for a moment the ridiculous notion that he prayed himself out of homosexuality, it sounds pretty good, right? Here’s this guy, with his sordid history, recreating himself and opening up his arms, and his home, to people of all sexual orientations – people longing for a personal connection to God, who haven’t been able to find it in a traditional church setting. It could be a kind of beautiful little thing, with him and a small handful of quirky outsiders learning to love themselves for who they are, etc. Unfortunately, though, I don’t think that’s what’s going on here, as evidenced by the fact that Haggard was today joined by reality television publicist Amy Prenner, who counts among her successes the show The Girls Next Door, which is about the brainless fembots used to service the still-ejaculating robed husk that was once Hugh Hefner. So, I think I can pretty safely say that this is more about selling a television concept than it is about doing the work of the Lord. But I didn’t expect anything different from Pastor Ted, who was always more of a showman than a man of God… Regardless, I may have to finally break down and invest in a TV… I sure as hell don’t want to miss him eating da poo poo, if it comes to that.

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10 Comments

  1. Knox
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 6:34 am | Permalink

    I foresee lots of awkward images of Haggard looking longingly at young male parishioners.

  2. Kim
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 7:38 am | Permalink

    We love redemption stories in this country almost as much as we love spectacular failure. I wouldn’t be surprised if his show was a big hit. Who wouldn’t like to see a formerly bigoted preacher, after going through a period of soul searching, come out and start a church in which all people feel welcomed? It would be beautiful, like a made for TV movie. That’s not what’s happening here, though. Haggard didn’t come out as gay. He prayed himself straight. And I imagine that’s what he’ll be attempting with his new flock. It’ll be disgusting.

  3. Fred T
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 9:56 am | Permalink

    I don’t like Haggard, but you have to admire his tenacity. If I were caught paying for gay sex with church money and doing meth, I’d slink away and die somewhere alone.

  4. Posted June 3, 2010 at 11:16 am | Permalink

    “…the still-ejaculating robed husk that was once Hugh Hefner.”
    Bwahahahahaha! Totally got busted by my boss for reading your blog when I should be working. Jerk.

  5. Ypsiosaurus Wrecks
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 11:44 am | Permalink

    Ted Haggard is a prime example of self righteous douche-bags who deserve all the ridicule that is heaped upon them. But as Kim noted – we all love a good redemption story – even if it is a bunch of poo.

    I don’t see the reason to bring old Hugh Hefner into the discussion. He is a Man among Men. I’ve admired him since I was a kid. He makes no apologies for his business and seems to be pretty sucessful. I see no reason to disparage him Mark. Perhaps you are jealous. If Hef can still fire off a few rounds good for him. It’s a small miracle that you, with your bad back and big gut, were able to generate enough baby batter to inseminate your wife. Hopfully it wasn’t too hard – I know how you white boys love asian women.

  6. Gangsta
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 7:29 pm | Permalink

    Mark,

    Can you start a thread about how Gangsta this is?
    http://www.annarbor.com/news/ypsilanti-city-council-delays-mayoral-reappointments-to-boards-and-commissions/

  7. elviscostello
    Posted June 3, 2010 at 8:52 pm | Permalink

    HBO did two minidocumentaries on Ted Haggard, and both were fascinating. The one they filmed “after the fall” showed Haggard trying to sell Health Insurance as a cold call salesman working on commission. He seemed puzzled and saddened that the “church” abandoned him. I recommend it, Alexandra Pelosi did the filming.

  8. Robert
    Posted June 4, 2010 at 1:06 pm | Permalink

    That anus must be haggard.

  9. Fortex
    Posted June 6, 2010 at 1:51 am | Permalink

    Am I the only gay man out there who finds Haggard super hot?

  10. p tech
    Posted June 13, 2010 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    My cousin would totally blow Haggard.

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