Pencil Paparazzi: Minnie Driver buying chicken edition

The response to Ted Kennedy’s drawing of Sam Rockwell’s sweatpants Monday was so overwhelmingly positive, I put the word out that we were looking for other works of pencil paparazzi. Following is our second contribution. This one comes from Ann Arbor’s Jean Henry.

minniedriverchicken09

And here’s the explanation:

Last Friday night, running errands, it was late. The toddler got hungry, so we popped in to Whole Paycheck for mac n’ cheese. I got in the shortest line and sent Ezra to the tables to wait. I realized the woman in front of me was fussy and nervous. I thought she looked skinny and overwrought. I thought maybe I had picked the wrong line. She put some things on the counter, others she handed right to the cashier for return. She said the tomatoes were ‘manky‘ in a British accent. I realized she was Minnie Driver. I realized I had picked the wrong line. I started to leave to go to the longer line. She said, “I need chicken. Do you have roasted chicken? I’ll be right back right back. Sorry sorry.” I believed her and stayed in the line. The mac n’ cheese grew cold. Ezra was remarkably patient. Eventually she paid, “sorry sorry,” and we ate.

At first I thought she was being both narcissistic and neurotic about being narcissistic. Then I thought she was so concerned with not being recognized that it was impossible not to notice her. Then I remembered hearing about a throng of Japanese tourists who were pawing Hillary Swank earlier that week in A2, and I decided that she was really just acting the way one would if, at any moment, one might be pawed by a throng of Japanese tourists. Being haunted by imaginary throngs could make anyone act a little nuts.

As a side note, someone I used to know always bragged that Minnie Driver wanted him back in the day, before she was famous. I wish I had thought to say, “Did you want to shag so and so back in the day?” I could have taped her reply and sent it to him. Life never presents these opportunities twice.

If you’ve seen someone even marginally famous, and know how to hold a pencil and move it over paper, you too could become official Pencil Paparazzi for MarkMaynard.com. Just send scans to markmaynard11@gmail.com, or drop drawings in the mail to:

Mark Maynard
PO Box 980301
Ypsilanti, MI 48198

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38 Comments

  1. Brackinald Achery
    Posted March 17, 2009 at 10:11 pm | Permalink

    Mark, do you ever get insecure about whether people like your posts or not, due to their not commenting on them? Because this is obviously a great entertaining post, but I at least have nothing constructive to add.

  2. Posted March 17, 2009 at 10:26 pm | Permalink

    Yeah. It bums me out when people don’t comment. I figure, for all the work that I put into it, people could at least take an minute and put up an emoticon or something letting me know that they’re out there.

    And, for what it’s worth, I really love the fact that you think you don’t comment unless you have something constructive to offer.

  3. Brackinald Achery
    Posted March 17, 2009 at 10:39 pm | Permalink

    :)

  4. Chelsea
    Posted March 18, 2009 at 5:16 am | Permalink

    So, is there a statute of limitations, or geographical constraint, on these brushes w/celebrity?

  5. Posted March 18, 2009 at 6:31 am | Permalink

    Absolutely not, Chelsea. What do you have in mind?

  6. Paw
    Posted March 18, 2009 at 10:23 am | Permalink

    Are those long things she’s buying breadsticks or tampons?

    Does Whole Foods sell individual tampons they way some gas stations sell single cigarettes?

  7. Brackinald Achery
    Posted March 18, 2009 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    Loosie tampons the size of slim jims!

  8. jean
    Posted March 18, 2009 at 12:58 pm | Permalink

    Celery gentleman… but kudos on the creative leap.

  9. Posted March 18, 2009 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

    I wonder of Cooper has ever asked Minnie Driver to be their spokesperson. That’s what I would have asked her if it were me in line behind her at Whole Foods. I like to operate in that zone just this side of a restraining order.

    I had dinner with Carole King in the basement of the Arbor Brewing Company. She took my advice and ordered the same thing I was having, the Bratwurst plate. She said people always assume she’s a vegetarian but she never has been. I’ll see if I can do a sketch of the experience from memory.

  10. Posted March 18, 2009 at 7:28 pm | Permalink

    “Minnie Cooper”

    I get it.

    It took me a hell of a long time, but I got it.

    And, not to be argumentative, I still think it’s single tampons.

  11. Brackinald Achery
    Posted March 18, 2009 at 9:14 pm | Permalink

    How likely is it that someone would buy single celery stalks and just set them on the counter like that, individually, unwrapped?

  12. Ol' E Cross
    Posted March 18, 2009 at 10:13 pm | Permalink

    Ezra looks quite contented if not a little starstruck.

  13. Robert
    Posted March 19, 2009 at 2:17 pm | Permalink

    I don’t mean to pry, but I see in the sketch that Jean is a nun. So how did she come into guardianship for Ezra? Is there a sordid story of lust that we can print in the next edition of our Pencil Paparazzi Tabloid? “Nun’s Sex Secret Exposed!” is the headline I’m thinking we’ll go with.

    …and yes Mark, she’s a Mini Driver. Get it? I think it’s great. I’m a marketing genius like that. I’ve got a million of ’em. For example, I think Dom DeLuise should be the spokesperson for Subway, and the ads should look like pervy personal classifieds with the title “Dom seeks Sub.”

  14. Chelsea
    Posted March 19, 2009 at 6:25 pm | Permalink

    It would spoil the surprise if I tell you. Like many of us, I’ve had a few brushes with fame. However, I’m not much of an artist.

  15. Chelsea
    Posted March 20, 2009 at 6:59 am | Permalink

    Actually, it occurs to me now that the two instances I had in mind (there were more, if you count journalism) were planned meetings. So I guess they wouldn’t count. But here, with no drawing, is an early brush with greatness:

    When I was about six, I told an old man fishing off a pier in the Hamptons that the sport was cruel. I later found out he was Jake “Raging Bull” Lamotta.

  16. Posted March 21, 2009 at 1:49 pm | Permalink

    I once saw Richard Belzer walking up Sixth Avenue. That was way before the “Detective Munch” days. I was struck by the extraordinary speed of his stride. The guy was literally walking at about five miles per hour.

  17. Patrick
    Posted March 21, 2009 at 11:45 pm | Permalink

    Chelsea wrote, “When I was about six, I told an old man fishing off a pier in the Hamptons that the sport was cruel. I later found out he was Jake “Raging Bull” Lamotta.”
    You were lucky you walked away from that one.

  18. Chelsea
    Posted March 23, 2009 at 7:16 am | Permalink

    LOL

  19. kat7
    Posted January 7, 2010 at 7:05 pm | Permalink

    my crew loves that minnie driver

  20. caged rabbit
    Posted February 12, 2010 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    I hate rainy days! urgh… I’ve been on your blog hours now, and I need something better to do. Not that there’s anything wrong with your blog.

  21. Heather Graham
    Posted March 7, 2010 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    I am absolutely floored by this chicken-eating revelation. Rest easy, though. She will be made to answer for herself.

  22. blackedy
    Posted April 20, 2010 at 7:04 pm | Permalink

    Thank you. This is the best post ever on Minnie Driver buying chicken.

  23. Indie Reviewer
    Posted August 25, 2010 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    If Ms. Driver spent a little more time practicing her craft, and a little less time shopping for chicken, her career might be in a better place than it is at the moment. Her chicken obsession is killing her career.

  24. Patrick
    Posted August 26, 2010 at 3:40 pm | Permalink

    I’ll see if my friend who works for the city of Ann Arbor is up for drawing a picture of David Arquette asking the mayor of Ann Arbor to borrow the key to the city to present to Hayden Panettiere at her birthday party.

  25. Alice
    Posted August 27, 2010 at 8:57 am | Permalink

    Did it work? Did he get the key to the city for her? A saw a photo of her birthday party and it looked excruciating. She was surrounded by dwarves with their faces painted orange like Oompa Loompas.

  26. megan
    Posted December 6, 2010 at 3:55 am | Permalink

    Bitch just like chicken cuz it taste good.

  27. Posico Namiento
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 5:26 pm | Permalink

    Why couldn’t god have taken Minnie Driver instead of Captain Beefheart?

  28. Gerda Pebley
    Posted January 17, 2011 at 7:51 am | Permalink

    She was doing a chicken skin colonic. They were all the rage a few years ago in LA.

  29. Neely Jersey
    Posted March 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm | Permalink

    Don’t listen to them. Chicken skin, especially roasted chicken skin, should NEVER be inserted into the vagina.

  30. Jordan 26
    Posted March 28, 2011 at 11:29 am | Permalink

    Everyone knows that Minnie Driver wipes with pork rinds.

  31. Bill Tims
    Posted March 31, 2011 at 11:54 am | Permalink

    Now I’m going to be thinking about this every time I eat a pork rind.

  32. Tory
    Posted July 1, 2011 at 6:18 am | Permalink

    I wipe with decayed plant material. It’s fantastic.

  33. find a freelancer
    Posted July 4, 2011 at 6:54 am | Permalink

    I don’t know what my ass-washers use to cleanse me with. I’ll have to ask them. I outsourced the job years ago to a Mexican family, and they do a fantastic job. They charge just $2 per event, and their work, from what I can tell, is impeccable.

  34. Yakoff Smirnoff
    Posted July 9, 2011 at 10:51 am | Permalink

    In Russia, the Chicken skin, it wipes with YOU!

  35. Delena Romay
    Posted July 20, 2011 at 12:06 am | Permalink

    I wipe with a blue ribbon. It makes me feel like a winner.

  36. Sacha Mellong
    Posted September 3, 2011 at 4:26 pm | Permalink

    I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed wiping my vagina after urinating so much. Thank you for the tip on chicken skin! It has gone way beyond my expectations.

  37. silky smooth with bumps
    Posted September 19, 2011 at 6:31 am | Permalink

    Weird conversation to stumble into from Google. I’m planning to make a bustier from raw chicken skin for the renaissance festival.

  38. Lizette Creitz
    Posted October 30, 2011 at 1:49 am | Permalink

    This is, by far, my favorite post on the internet about what Minnie Driver wipes her ass with.

One Trackback

  1. By Conviction, shot in Ypsi/Arbor, nears release on August 26, 2010 at 10:02 am

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