if i were to change my name and disappear into a crowd, never to blog again…

…in what fashion would you choose to end your life?

Please go into incredible detail and really impress me. (I’ve received some great email over the course of the past week from people telling me how much this site means to them and how lost they’d be without it, but, for all the talk, I don’t think that my not posting has caused even one person to stop taking his or her heart medication, let alone jump under a bus. While I guess that’s a good thing, it kind of depresses me.)

I’d like to think that if I were to walk away from this little empire of mine (like Papa in the song “Papa was a Rollin’ Stone“) that at least a few of you might get together and decide to leave the planet in some really ornately orchestrated, theatrical way. Sadly, I suspect that in reality most of you would just do it off on your own somewhere, after the passage of several years, in boring, unoriginal ways that might even appear “natural” to the unenlightened outsider. An inoperable bowel tumor, here. An infected rat bite, there.

I’m not saying that I need something like Jonestown. My ego’s not that big. But it would be nice if at least two or three of you could agree to beat each other to death in a Wal-Mart parking lot or something. That, I think, would have made the whole last four years worth it in some odd way.

On a somewhat related note, if we do ever decide to start a religion, I was thinking that the week between Paczki Day and the season premier of America’s Next Top Model, would be a great one for fasting… or for binge eating… or for reflection. (I guess we could take a vote.)

And while we’re on the subject of religious insanity, I was just wondering today, as I made my way home from work, whether or not Muslims would be offended by Mohammed impersonators, and puppets, or if it’s just cartoons and caricatures that they find riot-worthy. I was thinking that it might be time for me to pull out Bob Zmuda’s business card and see if maybe he’d be willing to advise Tony Clifton to put on a turban and start writing some material for a new one man show. (You might not realize it, but this is the best idea I have ever had.) I’d, of course, want the rights to make the documentary. Tony Clifton, on tour through the Middle East, giving his comedic interpretation of the Prophet Mohammed, I think, would have to be like a million times better than that last Albert Brooks movie, Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World.

There’s a lot of stuff I want to tell you about, like the illness that’s had me in its grasp, and the raw sewage that’s flowing through the basement, but it’s time for bed now…. I hope to come back soon though. And, don’t worry — I will never leave you.

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  1. EdB
    Posted March 9, 2006 at 9:57 pm | Permalink

    THANK GOD! I CAN EAT AGAIN! I’ve been refreshing my aggregator for 8 days now. Waiting. Hoping. Dreaming of the day something showed up. I’ll eat now, but not much – just in case I miss something eh? Fortunately I can see my puter from my bathroom so I’ve been able to drink from the sink else I’d probably be dead by now. No more posts from you forever and ever? One day my neighbors will complain about the funny smell and the cops will break in and they’ll find me. Forehead on my keyboard, mouse pointing to the refresh button. Waiting for a post that never comes. Actually I don’t think my neighbors would notice but I’m pretty sure the landlord would notice not noticing a rent check so I’ll probably do a bit of outgassing (and maybe a little decomposing) while waiting for my 15 minutes of fame.

    Or maybe I’ll surf porn instead?

  2. terry
    Posted March 9, 2006 at 10:25 pm | Permalink

    If we start a religion can Kami Andrews be a high priestess? She’s quite wise and already gives guidance to those in need.

  3. ol' e cross
    Posted March 10, 2006 at 7:58 am | Permalink

    I would sell all my earthly possessions, give the proceeds to the Texas Republican Party and buy Dick Cheney a beer. Then the two of us would go hunting.

  4. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted March 10, 2006 at 8:47 am | Permalink

    Infected testicular hair follicle resulting from poor ball grooming.

  5. chris
    Posted March 13, 2006 at 3:59 pm | Permalink

    Good God, this is a hard one…being eaten alive by the Bush administration? I mean, I know that they prefer babies but I can always dream can’t I? Maybe I can convince them that my gut is an 18 week pregnancy.

  6. Leah Key
    Posted January 3, 2011 at 8:43 pm | Permalink

    So it’s not just that you want our validation. You want us to actually kill ourselves when you stop blogging?

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