a question to mm.com readers:

And how are you celebrating Protection from Pornography Week?

I was thinking of buying a used tiger cage, filling it up with copies of Big Butt magazine, locking it shut, throwing away the key and then just letting it sit there in my living room. I think Id feel pretty safe from the big butts with those two-inch thick steel bars between us. Maybe, just to be sure, I could run some electricity through them. You can never be too safe when it comes to pornography.

How else would one protect him or her self from pornography? Maybe you could insert photos of family members randomly into porn magazines, giving masturbation a kind of Russian roulette component. That might keep a person protected for a while.

Id like to ask my friend Laura, who peddles smut for a living, how this new Bush holiday is affecting her business. I hope she hasnt had to lay off any of the kids that she employees to scrape ejaculate and lube off of the returned videocassettes.

I dont have a story to link to about this, but did you hear that yesterday, while the White House was trying to get us all to think about protecting ourselves from porn, Bush was out saying to the press that the sailors onboard the USS Lincoln (the ship he landed on in his now infamous Top Gun photo-op) were responsible for the big sign that said Mission Accomplished? He said that it wasnt the idea of anyone in the administration, but that the crew somehow manufactured it on their own. Isnt that just un-fucking-believable? How fucking gullible does this man think that we Americans are?

Well, if youre fed up with the administration, and youve got talent, you might want to enter this contest to make a 30 second ad spot about the man and his “accomplishments” as President.

OK, thats it for now.

Oh, before I go, here are some terrible photos that were taken of a Japanese dolphin hunt. Ive never tried dolphin, but I cant imagine that theyre any tastier than they are smart. Does that make sense? I guess what Im trying to say is that the fact that theyre bright animals should count for something. As far as Im concerned, unless monkeys and dolphins taste at least twice as good as a pig, theres no reason we should be out there killing them. (Fuck, Ive come a long way since I was a vegan. I cant believe Ive passed veal and Im now talking about the possibility of eating monkey and dolphin. Once Ive done that, the only thing left is human, so be careful around me.)

And remember your priorities. Dont bother protecting the earth from global warming, protect yourself and your family from porn.