a bad case of the cracker barrel ass

When I was young, I used to drink and make prank phone calls for entertainment. One of my favorite bits entailed me calling retail establishments and asking the manager to please go out and measure the width of their parking spaces for me. Id explain that I very much wanted to do business with them, but that I had to be confident that their parking lot met my requirements. If they asked, Id explain to them that I either had a car that I didn’t want to have touched by other cars, or that I was quite large and needed some extra room to maneuver myself in and out of my vehicle. I’d usually say something like, I was driving by there this afternoon, scouting the place out, and it seemed to me as though the spaces in front of your store were a bit more snug than is the norm.

Well, here it is a decade later and corporate America is finally getting the message. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one complaining. Take a look at this shot I just took at Cracker Barrel. They’ve added a love seat’s-worth of ass room between vehicles.

It makes me wonder how many fat people had to be extracted after getting stuck between vehicles before this policy change was enacted. Id like to know who the Rosa Parks of the obese was who brought about this change. Surely there was one large person in sweatpants who decided to make a stand. I can picture him now, proudly wedging himself between two vehicles to the point where the jaws-of-life had to be employed.

Given the ever-growing size of Americans, my prediction is that within ten years there are tiny moving sidewalks that will run alongside every parking space. Either that, or Cracker Barrel will run a shuttle service to and from the cars of their patrons. And it will be Cracker Barrel leading the way with these innovations. They are at the forefront of this wide-body movement.

… Great…. Now, Im too depressed to write about all that I ate in New Orleans. Itll have to wait until tomorrow.

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7 Comments

  1. Posted June 11, 2009 at 10:08 pm | Permalink

    I can’t believe this got no comments at the time.

  2. ypsiPawz
    Posted June 11, 2009 at 10:38 pm | Permalink

    Mark – this is classic! It makes me want to take a weeks off and explore your archives. I’ve only been around for a couple years. There must be so much good stuff yet to explore…

  3. Posted June 12, 2009 at 7:53 am | Permalink

    I don’t mean to be an asshole here, but while it’s certainly likely that Cracker Barrel’s customers include a lot of overweight people, the large spaces between the cars are likely to make it easier for senior citizens to get in and out of their cars. As makers of parking structures and lots try to fit more and more people in, the spaces get smaller and smaller making it near impossible for handicapped or non-handicapped older folks to get in and out of their cars.

    I appreciate the comedy and will never eat at Cracker Barrel due to their very public stances on sexual orientation and blacks (maybe EoS eats there), but this is one area that they might have actually gotten right, where others do not.

    And no, often there are not enough handicapped spaces and no, not everyone has a pass.

  4. KTC
    Posted June 12, 2009 at 8:07 am | Permalink

    I love the phrase, Rosa Parks of the Obese.

    I feel the urge to start a band.

  5. Karl Timmons
    Posted September 28, 2010 at 9:24 am | Permalink

    I have come in search of a salve recipe for this very ailment. Can someone please help?

  6. Kim
    Posted September 28, 2010 at 10:36 am | Permalink

    Have you tried sitting in their gravy?

  7. Ron
    Posted January 30, 2020 at 2:17 pm | Permalink

    The most fattest customers I have ever seen at any establishment when I have been here. I was fat when I used to go and understand why considering taste of great food. But literally 80% of men and women were pushing at least 50 lbs overweight in there. I would bet this place causes more heart attacks then heart attack cafe in Las Vegas. I miss cracker barrel’s very much but I just can’t go there anymore cuz I can’t control myself with food and I’m 55 now. It would be my heart attack.

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