I have a great idea for a practical joke that Id like to play on my friend Laura Does anyone know where I can get my hands on a couple gallons of horse semen?
Today, as I was jogging through the forest, that came to me and I laughed my ass off. I thought that Id written the funniest piece of comedy since the death of Mark Twain. The rest of my run I was in just an absolute panic, worried that Id forget it before getting to a pen. I considered writing it in the dirt somewhere off the beaten path. I even thought of grabbing a stick and scratching Laura + Horse Cum into my forearm. Now that I see it on the screen though, I dont get the sense that Ive created anything magical. I just feel kind of deflated Maybe Im not remembering it right. Maybe it was mule semen. Is that funnier? How about dog cum?
On the subject of semen, Ive got something else that Id been saving for just the right occasion. A week or so ago I received a note from a friend here in Ann Arbor by the name of Julie Bird. She wanted to let me and about 20 other people know that someone had filed a U.S. patent on a dietary supplement created with the express purpose of making semen (I assume human) taste better. When I received her note, and read about this “Semen taste-enhancement dietary supplement,” my first response was to hit “Respond All” and say something like, “I can’t believe our scientists are wasting their time on things like this when they should be looking for a way to make everything taste like semen.” I thought that was really funny, but no one responded. I hit the “Send” button and then just heard the sound of crickets. (Actually, now that I think of it, Kristin did second my suggestion, but I don’t believe she did so publicly.)
OK, as long as were on the subject of semen, I might as well get this off my chest. (That was another joke. See how I pack them in there, just like a professional comedian.) Jeff Kay and I, back in our Los Angeles days, came up with an idea for a television series. The series, I believe it was called either Barrel of Fun or Barrel of Cum, revolved around a giant 50 gallon drum of horse semen. Every week the drum would show up in a different American town where some of the contents would be ladled out for use in a Candid Camera-style prank. The series, according to our pitch, would last only as long as the contents of the barrel. It would be a judgment call on our part as to how much to use in each town Would we serve a bit in a shot glass at the local bar, or would we alter someones home shower to send a steady stream of it out?
Switching topics:
I wonder if any of what I just wrote might qualify me to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant. I just looked quickly over their website and it doesnt look as though theyve invested much in the way of semen humor, at least not over the past twenty years. I may be just what theyre looking for.
