I should preface this post by telling you that, having just been diagnosed with bronchitis, I’m writing this from bed, where, about twenty minutes ago, I took a big swig of prescription cough medicine, which, according to the bottle, is likely to do strange things to my mind. So, with that said, I’d like to offer the following list of suggestions to the Trump Inauguration Committee, who, as I understand it, are struggling to find any performers that aren’t named either Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, or Wayne Newton to play for President Trump on his big day… Here are my top ten ideas, many of which don’t involve human beings at all, which I think could help considerably.
1. Instead of a headline performer, like an Elton John, just lower an industrial chicken processing machine from the ceiling, and let it run for ten minutes – stunning, killing, plucking and eviscerating poultry – beneath a patriotic, red, white and blue light show. [Purdue might even pay to have it be one of their machines.]
2. Have Mitt Romney recite a long list of reasons why Trump is a better man than he is, while being lowered into a thrashing tank of lampreys.
3. Convince the Tupac hologram to come out of retirement and perform a Sonny and Cher-like routine with Victoria Jackson.
4. Somehow figure out a way to amplify the sounds made by deep sea scale worms when sucking meat from their tiny, razor-sharp teeth. [That’s a deep sea scale worm you see above.]
5. Look for talent outside of America, where people might not have heard of Trump… If you can’t convince the likes of Nickleback, maybe you could get Joey Jeremiah, Wheels and Snake to reform the Zit Remedy for the night.
6. Lie to a blind performer, like Stevie Wonder or José Feliciano.
7. Hire a team of professionals to help Ann Coulter reach her full potential as a Cher impersonator. [Get this guy to help.]
8. Have Trump settle the lawsuit with the the USA Freedom Kids and trot them out on stage again to sing about Dear Leader’s courage, strength and wisdom.
9. Offer Diamanda Galás the money you were going to give Elton John, and ask her to perform I Put a Spell on You and Sono L’Antichristo.
10. Create a super band from musically-inclined inmates currently serving time in prison. It would be kind of like the plot of The Dirty Dozen, only instead of these criminals being offered their freedom in exchange for going on a suicide mission to kill Nazi officers, they’d be writing and performing songs for Trump. I’d have to believe that, between Phil Spector, Gary Glitter, Tim Lambasts, and Charles Manson, they could come up with something both appropriate and compelling.
I’m sure better ideas exist, but these are the best that I could come up with before the codeine knocks me out. If you have suggestions of your own, just leave a comment.
77 Comments
It makes me sad to say it, but I’ve got a sinking feeling that it’ll be the Flaming Lips.
Nickelback would only play for Ted Cruz.
The Music of Erich Zann
By H. P. Lovecraft
http://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/texts/fiction/mez.aspx
Grand Finale: a Trump and Kanye duet cover of Peter Bjorn and John’s “Young Folks”
I like the poultry processing idea but only if Elton is onstage in his Donald Duck costume.
Imagine the carnage between protestors and supporters during Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting. Let ’em get it out of their system so we can move forward peacefully, you know?
They already struck out on the blind performer (i.e., Andrea Bocelli).
11. Jean Henry dressed as Michael Moore. Sucking helium and reciting her theory that left wing progressives are pretty much the same as the alt-right while everyone claps and enjoys all the rancid, leftover tacos from that Hillary victory party.
It was a non-partisan voting day party. There were a few Stein voters and at least one Republican, maybe more. No one was asking anyone to show their political affiliation. We may have even served a few illegal immigrants without checking ID. 5th graders wrote and produced a porch play of the ‘4th debate.’ There was a stellar Old West Side porch drag performance to Nasty by Janet Jackson. (Perhaps the best porch drag show I’ve ever seen on the Old West Side. It was a real neighborhood event. And we raised $1000 bucks for SOS Crisis Center and Planned Parenthood. When I found out the results around midnight, I felt I had already started doing what needs to be done to get through the next 4 years. More plays, more drag shows, more fundraising, more community events. Life goes on. The good people at Mi Compadre were joking about Trump the next day when we worked out the bill counting tickets. They had seen and survived similar leaders before. We go on.
Bob can make anything heartless and rancid…
If Trump wants to give me the mic at his inauguration, I’d be happy to say a few words.
As for the alt left meeting the alt right, well now we have Hyborian to bear me out. He supported sanders, and then chose Trump over his second choice Stein.
And I didn’t even have to make him up.
I like the idea of a Trump/Kanye number, but what if it’s The Girl is Mine? They could sing it to Ivanka. It would be really sweet.
And I love the idea of putting Elton John through a chicken processing machine. I think it would set just the right tone for the administration.
Also, how does this post only have five Facebook likes? The idea of Ann Coulter impersonating Cher is alone worth 25. You people mystify me… OK, time for more codeine.
If each of you who left a comment on this thread starts one hundred fake Facebook accounts to “like” this post, it’ll have over 600 likes!
Oh, one of my ideas not to make the top ten list was Big Mouth Billy Bass.
For what it’s worth, it felt good to make a dumb post again.
Another idea for this list was just a chorus of crying children of color.
OK, now that I have every comment on the front page, I can stop and go to bed.
Trump must be angry he can’t audition them like he does for cabinet positions. Apparently he’s going for people with ‘the right look’ who ‘give good television.’ He must be pissed that Goebbels and Goering aren’t available.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/donald-trump-is-holding-a-government-casting-call-hes-seeking-the-look/2016/12/21/703ae8a4-c795-11e6-bf4b-2c064d32a4bf_story.html?utm_term=.52f56ccb225f
Maybe he’ll have a yuge bigley bonfire with books.
He has to have at least one puppet show.
Maybe he can buy some Elmo.
Remember the most sensationalist local anti-Trump anti-MAGA story to make waves locally? Totally false – U-M student’s claim of threat for wearing hijab is false, police say
http://www.mlive.com/news/ann-arbor/index.ssf/2016/12/police_say_no_evidence_muslim.html
Trump is still awful, but on an equal or worse level are the fake shock story bubble wrapped Ann Arbor-ites looking to incite disgust/anger.
I don’t care. I just want to see the last two episodes of the Saturday Six Pack uploaded.
How about this guy? Seems appropriate.
http://www.openculture.com/2016/12/acclaimed-japanese-jazz-pianist-yosuke-yamashita-plays-a-burning-piano-on-the-beach.html
I merely request that the last two Saturday Six Pack episodes be uploaded.
I fail to understand what the problem is here. Other shows are uploaded, but Mr. Maynard’s is not.
Why.
Get well, Mark, and go easy on the codeine.
You missed the most obvious one.
“Tiffany Trump”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVpu6MnXBhQ
Locate the members of classic NWOBHM band Virtue for a reunion. You think Hillary would be sweating? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE0for3ejVs
W/Very Special Guest RANDY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRt_e4Bbk94
OMG! Zit Remedy! You need to take more cough syrup if it means we can talk about Degrassi. I always got the feeling that we were supposed to crush on Joey Jeremiah, but I preferred Snake. Remember when his brother came from college and was (ZOMG) gay! And then what happened to Wheels in the Degrassi movie…so sad.
And then there was that awful Claude (pronounced Clode) who went out with Caitlin and got her in trouble at nuclear power plant (I think it was)? Sad ending for him, but that guy was a turd.
“Donald Trump says he wants “the people” to attend his presidential inauguration, dismissing the “so-called ‘A’ list celebrities” who he claims are seeking tickets to the Jan. 20 event.
On Twitter late Thursday, Trump is slamming the celebrities who supported the campaign of his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, saying, “look what they did for Hillary, NOTHING.”
The tweet doesn’t name any specific celebrities.
Trump’s transition team has so far named just a few entertainers who will be performing during his inaugural events. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Radio City Rockettes announced Thursday that they will be participating.”
There was an Elvis impersonator at Weber’s hotel lounge tonight.
I hear he’s not booked Jan 20th.
That’s a good move. Are there any great major artists anymore? I have found no value in people like Jay-Z, Lady GaGA, er who else is popular these days? Producer-based garbage
Trump got the Rockettes. The dancers aren’t thrilled about it, but they’ve been told that, if they don’t do it, they’ll lose their jobs.
“The Rockettes are represented by the American Guild of Variety Artists (AGVA), which warned the dancers Thursday that full-time employees of the show are ‘obligated’ to perform at the inauguration, and cautioned that ‘any talk of boycotting this event is invalid.'”
http://jezebel.com/the-rockettes-have-a-choice-perform-for-trump-or-lose-1790438403
Twisted fuckin’ Sister
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQ0ftoiIQxU
Snider, however, had no problem with Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump using the the tune as the “exit song” during the politician’s 2015 campaign stops. “Donald Trump is a good friend and a great guy, and I support him turning the political system on its head,” he told TMZ.com. “The song ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It’ is a song about rebellion, and there’s nothing more rebellious than what Donald Trump is doing right now. Although [Democratic presidential candidate] Bernie Sanders can use it as well; he’s turning things upside down too.”
” there’s nothing more rebellious than what Donald Trump is doing right now.”
There is nothing at all rebellious about the future Donald Trump admin. Sanders was equally anachronistic. In Trump’s case, it’s just the 80s all over again. As Snider was there at the time, one can only consider him a complete fool.
I am happy to see other people enjoying Christmas with friends and family.
You all should feel grateful to have those moments because one day, they won’t be there anymore.
I wish everyone well.
One day you will all be alone and dying and no one will give a shit. If you have kids, they will be fighting over your money.
Cherish the fantasy now.
It’s been a lovely holiday here with friends and family. People around me may, in fact, be treating each other better faced with so much divisiveness and resentment in the political realm. Some nights you get to watch your friends children playing Quaker Meeting with your father, like you did as a child. Or a friend makes chit chat with your mother and they discover she grew up a half block from you great grandmother in a city 2500 miles away. Or you watch your teen daughter show compassion and patience with your mother, who can be… difficult. Maybe the butcher likes you and gives you a rib roast almost twice the size you paid for. And so every one goes home with a bag o’ meat for sandwiches the next day. Maybe it all goes to shit eventually, Pete, but that just makes our attempts to find connection, understanding and generosity anyway that much more moving. #TeamTinyTim
Merry Christmas, Scrooge. We all wish you peace and joy where you can find it in the coming year.
@ Morbid
You’re right, we’ll all be dying soon enough. What better reason to use the holidays as an occasion to spend time with family and friends, and to appreciate the people who matter most in our lives?
For some, this is a time of deep religious meaning. For some, it is an excuse to partake in excess consumption. For others, these “dark days” are a time to pause and reflect, rest and regenerate, and get ready for the year ahead.
Whatever the “holidays’ mean to you … I wish everyone out there a happy, healthy, peaceful 2017.
How does one “play Quaker Meeting”?
And Merry Christmas, everyone.
“Quaker Meeting has begun, no laughing, talking or showing the whites of your teeth.” It’s a staring contest. I think my grandpa made it up as a means to quiet children. (It doesn’t work) There was a 6 year old with such a good poker face, that she beat my 18 year old, who until then was undefeated. She won by looking bored. Someday, she will probably run the CIA.
Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, Pete’s the Charlie Browniest.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oF-VmHtRvnA
Merry Christmas, etc etc.
Twisted Sister – O Come All Ye Faithful *vid*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmEfFlbqbbY
Christmas is a time to remember those we love who are no longer with us.
Motörhead – Run Run Rudolph
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsqC6HRS8Lc
Dio – God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZELjIqHQlUY
Ramones – Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Y5GtaTrPHM
Run DMC – Christmas In Hollis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR07r0ZMFb8
Kurtis Blow – Christmas Rappin’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xUFnGWWtoQ
https://blackamericaweb.com/2016/11/07/kurtis-blow-suffers-heart-attack-after-fight-with-son/
After collapsing at a bus stop in LA’s San Fernando Valley, Blow – whose real name is Kurtis Walker – says four LAPD officers saved his life by giving him CPR.
“I died and those officers saved my life,” Walker said. “The police saved my life, a Black man. In this day and age, people need to hear that.”
Kurtis Blow Walker on December 10, 2016 at 9:29 pm said:
False news reports people!!!! First, I was not standing at a bus stop waiting for a bus. I have 4 cars. No Heart attack. I went into cardiac arrest. It is more serious like death. My heart stopped for 5 minutes. No altercation with my son. There was a altercation between my 2 sons and I was breaking it up. Someone called the police and then we chilled when we saw them approach. The police attempted to arrest me and then I passed out 5 minutes later. No altercation just low potassium is the medical term. I thank God for another chance at life. The doctors call me a walking miracle, coming back from cardiac arrest with all faculties. I thank my son Michael who pleaded with the officers to call the paramedics. My wife for her prayers and healing hands. I repeat, there was no fight between me and my son. We are a strong family with a tight bond and even stronger now. I thank the LAPD, paramedics, doctors and nurses and staff at West Hills and UCLA. This is nothing but a testimony of the awesome power of God and God’s amazing grace. I thank you all for your prayers. I am taking it easy now. No BBoy for 6 months lol – However…, I will be shouting from the highest mountain… “Praise God!!!!” and thank you.
Air raid siren.
I just read that Alec Baldwin offered to perform a cover of AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell”, but was turned down.
NYT: Artists and Critics Call for Culture ‘Strike’ on Inauguration Day
“More than 130 artists and critics have signed a petition calling for cultural institutions to close on Friday, Jan. 20, the day of President-elect Donald J. Trump’s inauguration. … the ‘J20 Art Strike,’ urges museums, galleries, concert halls, art schools and nonprofit institutions to close to protest ‘the normalization of Trumpism,’ …”
http://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/08/arts/design/artists-and-critics-call-for-culture-strike-on-inauguration-day.html
I’m not an artist … but I was already planning to skip work on Jan. 20.
Wouldn’t it be interesting if this idea became more widespread … and millions of people simply chose to stay home a week from this Friday?
One of the inauguration galas booked a Springsteen cover band.
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/new-jersey/2017/01/12/bruce-springsteen-b-street-band-trump-inauguration/96485340/
And Paul Anka is going to rewrite “My Way” for Trump.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4117248/Paul-Anka-perform-Trump-inauguration.html
The Springsteen cover band dropped out?
Maybe they also need to spend time with Paul Anka’s son.
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/bruce-springsteen-cover-band-drops-out-of-donald-trump-party-w461203
Well he’s got plenty of money via huge corporate donations: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/15/us/politics/trump-inauguration-donations-corporations.html?smid=tw-nytimes&smtyp=cur
“The intertwining of country music with the George W. Bush years—“Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning?” for example—was as credible and deeply felt as any of the enwrappings by, say, Springsteen of Obama.
And so the inability, so far, of Donald Trump to get any significant musicians from any of those traditions, rock or country or blues or Broadway, to sing at his Inauguration is not a small comic detail but a significant reflection of this moment in history. It reminds us of just how aberrant Trump and Trumpism is. ”
http://www.newyorker.com/news/daily-comment/the-music-donald-trump-cant-hear
So Hollywood and the Entertainment Industry don’t like Trump and won’t be going to the Inauguration. Big Deal. They haven’t been doing so well lately anyhow. Seems like most of the country doesn’t find their values to be aligned with their own anyhow. The 50% who sat home the past 8 years will be there. We understand how depressing it is when the President and both houses are opposed to your views. We’ve been there. You can protest – you can write Democratic leaders – but it won’t make a difference. You no longer have the votes.
If you are going to DC to protest or whatever – be careful.
EOS translates all the elements of a Trump tweet into a paragraph long less coarse, but equally petty and condescending reply. Ends with passive aggressive warning of danger couched as concern. 100% Christian.
Try to focus Jean. Issues, data, information.
Is that passive aggressive?
“You can protest – you can write Democratic leaders – but it won’t make a difference. You no longer have the votes.”
In a democracy, being engaged does indeed make a difference. One hopes that Democratic voters will be so enraged that House flips in the midterms, like it did for Republicans in 2010.
I’ve heard many people going to Washington are nervous about what is going to happen there. Both Republicans and Democrats. I’m starting to see a lot of post expecting a repeat Altamont which is never good.
Will this blog be deputizing a correspondent for the events there?
EOS– you provided all the information necessary for analysis. I didn’t bother to point up what Pete did, which is that you are wrong– pressure from the outside via participatory democracy works to change the political climate. Legalized gay marriage proves that point as does Trumps election. There are always pendulum swings. Without participation by the electorate, corporate interests take over. But any business also is responsive to the public will. And the refusal of most professional entertainers to participate in the inauguration is evidence of that. The only fix for democracy right now is public participation and a vigorous revitalization of the 4th branch of government to provide the checks the current legislature and future judiciary are unlikely to do (without public will) during a Trump presidency.
Most of the people at Altamont had no idea what was going down in the front rows until the show was stopped. The likelihood that any assigned correspondent would be near any action but safe enough to report out is almost none. I expect something to go down but nothing major. At any rate, it’s unpredictable and beyond my control. Principles aren’t proven until you sacrifice for them. I’m totally prepared to. If things go really wrong, I don’t want to have been standing on the sidelines watching. I’ll report out to Mark what I see and experience from the D.C. Marches. I expect it to be mostly inconvenience and confusion and a lot of looking at the backsides of those right in front of me. I’m going to be one of the mass. I hope my presence is infinitesimal in scope of the collective. I’m mostly hoping I’ll be done in time to eat Afghani food in Baltimore that evening… the restaurant is owned by a relative of Hamid Karzai.
Jean, what the fuck do you know about Altamont? Is there nothing you don’t pretend to be an expert on? By all accounts everyone down front knew exactly what was happening. Every band playing that day stopped, multiple times. It has been extremely well documented, if you bothered to actually look. You are such a phony.
https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2017/01/why-wont-liberals-like-sally-albright-stop-lying-a.html
Here’s a pretty good piece on other lying sacks of shit, like yourself, who keep taking shots at Bernie. I swore I wasn’t going to engage you again but you just keep working in digs at Sanders at every opportunity. It’s weird. Bernie had the audacity to not just step aside and let Hillary be anointed. So he still gets crap from people like you. The Dems are behaving like Hillary, as we speak. Gutless, compromised, ineffective. Your people.
Bob– Did I say anything about Bernie? I’m sorry I upset you so. It’s a bit confounding. Is it still about Bernie? Is he above criticism? How much of that exact kind of idolatry is the trigger for my dislike???
I never said the people in the front at Altamont didn’t know. I said the rest of the crowd had no idea until the musicians stopped playing. I’ve read a lot about altamont. I think it’s really culturally significant marker– the end of the 60’s. I dont think this is comparable. The resistance has just begun. Even if you mark the start with Occupy, I don’t believe we are at the full scope of the movement yet. My friend Sam made a film about unmarked grave of the man who was killed. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxnVY37b0ME I’m sorry you think I’m full of shit. Not everyone agrees or so I’ve been told. I tend to agree with you, but think every one is full of shit, so there’s that.
Never heard of Sally Albright or whoever that is. I never to my mind lied about Bernie. I just presented analysis you all disagreed with about events we all witnessed. I did research his plans, where they existed and read praise and criticism of them. I also researched his campaign team. If I lied, I’d like to know where.
I’m sure lots of people dislike Bernie for lots of reasons. I know a few. Each of them have different reasons. There’s no cabal of people going after Bernie like there was Hillary for 30 years. I just liked the guy and then didn’t. Sorry that upsets you so. It seems silly honestly.
(BTW you can expect more Booker/Bernie spats– because politics… and 2020. The pharma thing was much ado about nothing. Both Sanders and Booker made politically expedient votes that would not affect the outcome. That is not my analysis. It was in the press.)
lol
https://qz.com/886318/an-analysis-of-10000-scientific-studies-on-marijuana-concretely-supports-only-three-medical-benefits/
I also dislike Bernie Sanders as a Presidential candidate because he also held the same type of magical thinking that led to the laughable “medical marijuana.”
As a Senator, I find him entertaining and am happy he’s around.
It drives Bob crazy that I have (mostly) informed opinions. I think it’s the informed part that drives him batty. Or the confidence. It’s been quite an interesting thing to watch. It’s true Bob that I’m a bookish nerd and have been forever. I regularly stay in reading in my free time. I stay up all night reading. I listen to podcasts and books on tape and NPR and C-SPANRadio radio when I can’t read. Too little music. It’s stupid and an avoidance behavior in all honesty. But it energizes me. I’ve never really had much of a career because I can’t specialize in any one thing and liked to chart my own course. I’m not successful or part of any elite. I just read. I worked for years in diners with all kinds of clientele and they accepted my wonkish ways. I’m wondering what it is in you that can’t. It’s interesting– Your fixation and anger towards me in particular.
Wonkish and bookish are great. It’s the narcissism attached that’s annoying. And the way you flatter yourself constantly. And relegate all critiques to sexism.
Hey kjc– what’s the basis for your accusation of narcissism? That I have a voice and use it? I’m truly interested. Do you know me IRL and see any evidence of narcissism or are you basing that assessment on my comments here?
I think political engagement is effective especially if it motivates people to get out and vote. Certainly we have just witnessed what political engagement on the right can do. There is no reason why this can’t be a wake up call for liberals to get up off their asses. Will it happen? Will there be masses of formally non-voters going to the polls to change congress in 2018? I don’t know but I do consider it a possibility especially since Trump cannot possibly keep some of his more popular campaign promises.
Just to be clear, when I write critique from the perspective of feminism, that is not to imply that feminism is the only lens through which a situation can be viewed. When I offer a feminist perspective I am not saying that perspective is singular, even within feminism. I believe in the value of Multiple viewpoints. Anyone is free to dismiss my perspective. Unless you have power to impact my life directly or indirectly, I don’t care. I’m not sure why people get so worked up by perspectives that unsettle their thinking. Going towards disruptive ideas is the basis of liberal political thinking, intersectionality etc etc. it’s literally the heart of progressivism to accept different viewpoints as valid to that person and to try to understand it as a means of furthering your own thought.
It’s bizarre to me that working class stiffs of all political perspectives and orientations can accept me as the loud mouth that I am better than many Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti liberals. I’m only elitist to the elite it seems. Most people just want acceptance not agreement. At least that’s been my experience.
I’m not sure why people get so worked up by perspectives that unsettle their thinking.
I don’t know either. I don’t understand it even though I see it in myself on certain issues. I lose my mind whenever anyone suggests that all dogs must be required to be on a leash for instance. Why? Why do I care what they think? It isn’t like they back up their ordinances with enforcement. It isn’t like it affects me in the real world especially now that I have a dog who isn’t really the type of dog to be trusted off leash except in places like my parent’s neighborhood where everyone has similar values about off leash dogs. *shrug*
Watch my rock and roll video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23xjEHyam4g
Trump got Tony Orlando AND half of Sam and Dave! Who’s laughing now?
Pete– excellent.
John Galt: one sign of totalitarian creep is that artists must conform or be shunned. Is Hollywood rejecting Trump or are Trumpers rejecting Hollywood? Even if it’s the former, they will twist it to make it appear like the latter. Because the narrative must twist to support the ideology. In a populist revolution, which is what just occurred, the truth is irrelevant. The propaganda is made by the people and adopted by the government. What really happens behind the veil of rhetoric is obscured.