Man tears out penis by its roots at Ypsi Middle School

As people are demanding that I share this, I suppose I have no choice… Late last night, a Columbus man, after consuming an enormous quantity of hallucinogenic mushrooms at the home of a friend in Ypsi Township, apparently felt the need to walk to Ypsi Middle School and tear his penis from his body by its roots.

Here’s the Detroit Free Press coverage:

No fewer than four people sent me links to news stories about this incident, suggesting that I write something about it. Not being an expert in penis removal, my first impulse was to decline, and focus my attention instead of today’s Supreme Court decision on the Voting Rights Act. But then I started getting messages from people living outside of Ypsilanti, in places that actually mattered, like Chicago, asking me what this meant for the future of our community, as though we’d be forever branded as, “that struggling rust belt town where people from Ohio go to rid themselves of their sex organs,” and I felt compelled to respond.

So, here’s my take on it.

I think it’s unlikely that we’ll see this again… So, please, if you’re locked up in your home, afraid of stumbling over a wayward penis, or a recently shed vagina, come out. It’s very unlikely, given what I know of the current political situation between Michigan and Ohio, that this is just the first salvo in a bloody campaign. I do not, in other words, based on the evidence that I’m pivy to as a top-tier Michigan blogger, believe that our neighbor to the south is sending over “penis puller offers” like suicide bombers, to wreak havoc, and disrupt our otherwise idyllic way of life.

Truth be told, I’m a bit skeptical about the whole, “he pulled his penis off” narrative. If penises could be pulled off, I’m quite certain that we’d have hear about it a lot more often, especially among young men going through puberty… No, as the news coverage notes that he’d broken a window, I’d say it’s much more likely that he cut off his penis trying to climb through broken glass naked. But, that doesn’t make for nearly as interesting of a headline, does it?

The one interesting thing to come out of the the whole thing was the following quote from a member of our local police force: “He wasn’t making sense,” the office said. “We couldn’t really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation.”

I know it’s a terrible situation, but that’s really hilarious… the fact that they’d want to engage in “constructive conversation” with a man that was nearly dead from blood loss after having his penis severed from his body. (How often do you hear cops quoted in the press, after pulling people from bloody car wrecks, bemoaning the fact that these near-dead people weren’t able to engage in “constructive conversation”?)

So, yeah, I hope this doesn’t negatively impact local tourism. I hope that people from Columbus don’t steer clear of Ypsi, afraid that they’ll be overcome with an uncontrollable urge to yank their cocks from their bodies… I know we don’t have very much of a budget, but I really think we might want to invest in an add or two in a Columbus paper saying, “Ypsi: Our mushrooms are good. Your penis is safe.”

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17 Comments

  1. double anonymous
    Posted June 25, 2013 at 8:43 pm | Permalink

    If dicks could be torn off, my middle school would have been littered with them.

  2. BrianB
    Posted June 25, 2013 at 11:11 pm | Permalink

    One good thing to come of this — my son, having heard the story on the radio, has sworn off mushrooms for life. When I was a kid, the story was that angel dust would make us jump out of windows, believing we could fly, which sounded like a kinda fun way to go.

  3. Eel
    Posted June 25, 2013 at 11:15 pm | Permalink

    I heard the story and swore off of masturbation.

  4. Adam
    Posted June 25, 2013 at 11:24 pm | Permalink

    I heard the story and swore off middle school playgrounds.

  5. gitche gumby
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 1:07 am | Permalink

    … a river of hand torn penises

  6. gitche gumby
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 1:08 am | Permalink

    Why don’t we have a ratherr public beach when we have a river?

  7. Edward
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 6:22 am | Permalink

    As long as we have the roots, can’t we replant it elsewhere?

  8. Kristin
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    It was exciting to see this in Huffington Post. I felt sort of famous.

  9. karen
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 8:55 am | Permalink

    i overheard the mayor saying ypsilanti is transitioning from an industrial town to a college town to a town where people mutilate their genitals.

  10. 734
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 9:24 am | Permalink

    Super Moon makes people super crazy!

  11. Posted June 26, 2013 at 9:58 am | Permalink

    Oh my goodness…I am quite literally laughing out loud, homeses (what is the plural of “homes”, anyway?). I’m just picturing the Huron River clogged with schlongs, drifting so delicately away towards a happier destination.

  12. koosh
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 3:51 pm | Permalink

    ” I’m just picturing the Huron River clogged with schlongs”

    From my experiences, the men in Ypsilanti are hardly so endowed that the river would ever be “clogged with schlongs”.

  13. anon
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 7:25 pm | Permalink

    “One family member said jokes they have heard about the situation—some on a Columbus radio station—have been hurtful. She said she does not understand how anyone could find the situation humorous. ‘Because they’re insensitive, and as a society we’re finding humor in other people’s pain, she said.”

  14. dot dot dash
    Posted June 26, 2013 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    Tell us more about this extensive experience of yours with Ypsilanti schlongs, Koosh.

  15. Eel
    Posted June 28, 2013 at 8:09 am | Permalink

    It’s not just mushrooms. Busch beer also makes people rip their penises off.

    http://www.kpho.com/story/22691119/police-homeless-man-cuts-off-penis-blames-busch-beer

  16. Tammy Victor
    Posted July 21, 2013 at 6:42 am | Permalink

    I really thought that I’d see this guy manning a “I tore my penis out by the roots” booth at the last Shadow Art Fair.

  17. Posted November 14, 2018 at 7:39 pm | Permalink

    You people should be ashamed of yourselves…

    …letting the commenting on this thread peter-out.

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