The persistent cough that is killing me

Remember how, a few months ago, I jokingly told you that I was worried that I might have contracted tuberculosis? Well, I’m still coughing. And I’m coughing harder than ever. By my count, I’ve been coughing consistently for ten weeks straight, trying desperately to get something out of my lungs that apparently just won’t budge. It’s gotten so bad that I now have to steady myself with two hands when I cough. I’ve found that the best position is to arch my back, leaning forward, lifting one foot, and hanging my head slightly. This somewhat decreases the trauma to my lower back, which has been hurting like hell for the past month, and my brain, which must now be covered in bruises, having been slammed forcibly against the base of my skull several thousand times. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened so far today, but I coughed so hard yesterday that my field of vision was filled with flashing spots of light. Linette, forgetting for a moment what a hypochondriac I am, told me that I probably detached my retinas, so now I’m thinking that I’m just one epic coughing fit away from blindness. Thankfully, though, it’s keeping my mind off the imminent aneurysm, which, prior to that, had been at the forefront of my mind.

It occurred to me that I should tape record one of my coughing fits, which have been coming about every five minutes, and post it to the web, to prove to you just how horrific they are, but then I thought that it might prompt one of you to place a call to Family Protective Services.

The thing is, I don’t feel at all sick otherwise. It’s just a damned cough… and the headache, sore throat and back pain that go along with it. And that’s the frustrating part. I don’t have a cold, runny nose, fever, chills, or anything else. It’s just this persistent cough. And the doctors don’t know what to do about it. They say it’s not strep, whopping cough, or anything else that I should be alarmed by. They say that sometimes, after a cold, it just takes a while to shake the cough. And I’m running out of things to try, having gone through my allotment of Tylenol with codeine, several containers of Chinese herbal tea, all of the family soup recipes I’m aware of, several jars of honey, acupuncture, gallons of carrot, garlic, ginger juice, and any number of other things.

So, that’s what I’m doing tonight, and why I won’t be posting anything about the Republicans’ decision to postpone their convention, those eight people who were mistakenly shot by New York police officers, or how the conservatives of Ohio are planning to steal the election.

Oh, and I used to think that coughing was something our bodies did to protect us. I thought that it was the body’s way of getting rid of a virus. Now, though, I’m beginning to think that we just cough because that’s what the cold virus wants for us to do. It wants to spread, and it manipulates us to us make that happen through the act of coughing… It’s a weird thought, but might it not be true that we only exist to serve the cold virus? Maybe it’s that I’ve been leaning over a sink for ten weeks, holding on tightly as my body contorts in agony, but I’m beginning to feel as though I only exist because I can cough, and keep microorganisms alive in my warm, pink lungs…

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  1. jean Henry
    Posted August 26, 2012 at 10:32 pm | Permalink

    walking pneumonia. I had it twice this year. Same symptoms, very dry cough nothing clears. going around. Get some azithromycin.

  2. Anonymatt
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:47 am | Permalink

    Sometimes you need to consult the experts. Get a Ouija board and see if you can contact the Smith Brothers.

  3. RexPeppers
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 7:21 am | Permalink

    Have you been careful how you eat your veggies? This guy had a pea plant growing in his lungs…

  4. Edward
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    West Nile Virus?

  5. Elf
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 10:53 am | Permalink

    Anxiety and stress feeds colds.

  6. Knox
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 11:41 am | Permalink

    I like the idea that we (humanity) just exist because the viruses need us.

  7. Ruth
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 12:34 pm | Permalink

    walking pneumonia. . . pertussis (whooping cough). . . go to a doctor!

  8. Posted August 27, 2012 at 12:45 pm | Permalink

    I’m sorry to hear it. Maybe you’ve been cooped up too much, with all your blogging and breeding. Fresh air might help.

  9. Stupid Hick
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

    See a doctor. Make sure it’s not cancer.

  10. Anonymatt
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 7:16 pm | Permalink

    Well, someone has to post this.

  11. Posted August 27, 2012 at 8:24 pm | Permalink

    Jesus Christ Mark, go to a doctor!!!!

  12. Maria
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    Go see a doctor. Make sure you get a chest xray, and make sure you don’t have asthma or reflux or both or something else. don’t just let ’em shrug you off.

  13. Andrew
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 11:22 am | Permalink

    I just came across this by accident but it sounds like we have the same thing – my cough is gradually getting better, my back is pretty bad as i’ve been coughing for so long. I’ve also had a really nasty sorethroat for months as well but now i’m just left with the cough.

    I don’t want to scare you but i’ve had this cough for 5 months now. 5 months. It’s definitely getting better but it comes back every now and then. I’ve been to the doctor so many times, had various blood tests and nothing has come up. Might post later if I ever find out what it is.

  14. marty
    Posted October 9, 2014 at 12:51 am | Permalink

    He did go to a Dr. Doesn’t anyone read? I have the same thing. I went to a Dr… again… I went to a Dr… again… I went to a Dr. Nothing wrong with me. This cough is hell.

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