America is Doomed… and not for the reason these people think

I had occasion to watch television for extended periods of time this weekend, and it certainly didn’t do much to dissuade me from my belief that ours is a paranoid and fearful culture in decline. Here are two examples. The first is a promo for a show called Doomsday Preppers on the National Geographic Channel. The second is an ad for a show on the Discovery Channel, called Doomsday Bunkers. I got to watch episodes of both, and I’m now more confident than ever in my decision to fill my pockets with rocks, walk into the Huron River, and just sink down peacefully to the bottom, when the cannibal holocaust is upon us. Simply put, if these are the people who are going to inherit the earth, then I don’t want any part of it. (At least the guys in Mad Max had some fashion sense.)

In related news, I’m thinking of starting a new multi-author blog called America is Doomed, where friends and I can just rant about about this kind of stuff. I need somewhere, other than this site, to vent about the likes of the Jersey Shore and Celebrity Rehab. (When I write about that kind of stuff here, I feel as though it contaminates everything else.)

Speaking of how bad American culture has gotten, when the family and I were in Toronto a few weekends ago, I threw out my back, leaping for the remote control in our hotel room, when I heard Barbara Walters, from across the room, ask Joan Rivers if she’d had her vagina surgically tightened. Thankfully, I don’t think that Clementine could hear anything over my bloodcurdling scream…

As for this new crop of doomsday shows, I guess it was just a matter of time. The subject matter is admitted compelling, as mental illness often is, the content is pretty much free, as the people featured are likely stupid enough to welcome cameras into their homes without compensation, and it’s hard to imagine subject matter better suited for companies advertising canned goods, batteries and liquor. (The episode I watched featured a family that spends over $200 a week on alcohol, which they’re convinced will be the currency of the future. The father of the family, who doesn’t drink, by the way, explained the bottles could also be lit on fire and hurled at people, burning them alive.)

Actually, on second thought, maybe I won’t just lay down and die when the end times come, like Guy Mcpherson. Maybe, instead, I’ll just find one of these terrified reality television families, who were nice enough to show me where they keep their stockpiles, and tell me how they intend to defend them, and then somehow trick them into giving me all of their aluminum foil, hams and whisky… Maybe I could trade them for magic seeds!

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  1. Posted March 19, 2012 at 9:21 pm | Permalink

    I should add that I have no problem with folks being prepared. It’s the responsible thing to do, in my opinion, to have some food and water put aside, in case of emergency. But thinking that you can put enough away to somehow wait out the end times, is ridiculous.

  2. joe
    Posted March 19, 2012 at 9:32 pm | Permalink

    So, what was Joan’s answer?

  3. Posted March 19, 2012 at 9:46 pm | Permalink

    As if you didn’t know, Joe.

  4. Viktor Zulu
    Posted March 19, 2012 at 9:59 pm | Permalink

    Doomsday bunkers are the current form of air raid shelter in the basement as protection from nuclear incineration. The same problem exists. Once you come crawling out of the bunker, the outside world is not inhabitable. Same result, you die.
    This declining American pseudo culture is cycling through a neo-McCarthy era where terrorism replaces communism. The pendulum swings. These shows are just vehicles for product sales.

  5. Edward
    Posted March 19, 2012 at 10:29 pm | Permalink

    I’d love to prank these people, making them think that the end had finally come.

    Does anyone have a tank that I can borrow, and hang a United Nations flag from?

    Or, better yet, I could hire a black dance troop.

    It would go down something like this:

  6. Perp
    Posted March 19, 2012 at 11:16 pm | Permalink

    I just need ten minutes to seduce one of these women and convince her to leave the back door to the bunker open for me.

  7. Thom Elliott
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 5:54 am | Permalink

    “America is doomed”=already a website, along with “Sweden is doomed”, they belong to the “god-hates-fags” Westburo Baptist Church of Fred Phelps. You see Mark, America is so sinful a place it would be against god’s will to pray for the US’s recovery, success etc, infact, every US failure is a reason to celebrate. It would be like praying for god to protect Gehmorrah, or like the scene where Moses himself is praying for god to help a people, god destroys them anyway. That’s what happens when Moses prayed, a godman the Lord spoke to, what chance do we disgusting sows of modernity stand? None. In related news every year there are 750,000 new strokes in the US.

  8. John
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 8:43 am | Permalink

    Edward the black panters are not a dance troop. LOL!

    Notice how they are spewing hate and not dancing. I take it you have a video of them dancing?

  9. Edward
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    Wow, you found a video of a black racist. I’d try to find a video of a white racist online, to counter you, but I know it would prove fruitless.

    Speaking of the inability of white people to be racist, the woman how made the “Don’t Re-Nig 2012” bumper stickers says her message was misconstrued by the media.

  10. Eel
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 8:52 am | Permalink

    Joan Rovers’ vagina IS my doomsday bunker!

  11. John
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 8:57 am | Permalink

    I justed posted that video because you called the black panthers a dance troop, I never for one minute said that there are no white racists. The video I posted has the same person in it calling for the murder of white people and you say hes only part of a dance troop. Thats like saying the kkk is a boy scout troop. And I hope whomever has that bumper sticker gets their car keyed good.

  12. Edward
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 9:05 am | Permalink

    I didn’t say the Black Panthers were a dance troop. I was referring to an episode a few years ago, where Glenn Beck showed video of a black dance troop marching in military-like formation, and told his audience that Obama was building a secret black army. Watch the video that I linked to.

  13. Edward
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 9:06 am | Permalink

    And “Joan Rovers’ vagina is my doomsday bunker” would make a much better bumper sticker than “God is my copilot.”

  14. John
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 9:12 am | Permalink

    Edward the guy in your dance troop video is the same man in the video I posted with him calling for the murder of white people. He is a very dangerous man, NOT a dancer.

  15. Edward
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    John, I wasn’t referring to the guy at the beginning of the Beck piece (the Panthers guy from Philly), who admittedly is racist. You have to fast forward to about 1:35 to see Beck talking about the dance troop.

  16. anonymous
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 9:41 am | Permalink

    My favorite is the woman who proudly says that she’ll still be fat when the rest of us are starving.

  17. Elf
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm | Permalink

    It had to be tightened. The borders were getting too hard for Joan to police.

  18. Posted March 21, 2012 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    Doomsday Preppers is facinating. The talapia farmers are my favorite:

  19. Bob
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    Another sign we might be doomed is that a whole bunch of people lost their homes right in Dexter and nobody from Ypsilanti seems concerned enough to even mention it.

  20. Tommy
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 2:47 pm | Permalink

    I’ll mention it. Thank goodness no one was injured or killed. Thank goodness Dexter and the surrounding area have public services and servants who care about the welfare of others. I hope that everyone struck by this act of nature gets their lives back together soon. I am certain that if there is a Mark Maynard type blogger in Dexter (let’s hope not) he or she would be using that forum to bring support to others in the community in anyway asked of them – and the people would respond.

  21. Mr. X
    Posted March 21, 2012 at 3:41 pm | Permalink

    Yes, those who truly deserve our condemnation are the volunteer bloggers who didn’t provide enough coverage of natural disaster that took place several communities away, not the Republicans who have been denying global climate change (which led to the tornado), the Tea Partiers who would have you think that tornado sirens are socialist, and the Libertarians who would see professional first responders fired and replaced with volunteers.

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  1. […] up, and create a second underground micro-gallery. Or, I guess we could convert it to some kind of doomsday pantry, filled with those those delicious food buckets Jim Bakker keeps telling us about. Or, maybe I […]

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