The Survival Seed scam

Last night, on my way home from work, I was listening to our resident rightwing radio personality Thayrone X, which I occasionally do when I find myself becoming too optimistic about humanity’s chances, when a commercial came on about the importance of heirloom, non-genetically modified seeds. For a second, I thought that perhaps I’d stumbled onto a small sliver of common ground between my reality-based, progressive world, and that inhabited by the Tea Partiers, but, as the radio spot kept unwinding, I realized that probably wasn’t the case. Here, if you want to see what I’m talking about, is a television ad by the same company, Solutions from Science:

So, it’s not so much about providing good, fresh food for your family, and keeping heirloom varieties of plants in use, as it is about positioning yourself to do better than your neighbors when the “emerging totalitarianism” comes into full bloom. Here, on that subject, is a clip from the company’s website:

…You don’t have to be an Old Testament prophet to see what’s going on all around us. A desperate lower class demanding handouts. A rapidly diminishing middle class crippled by police state bureaucracy. An aloof, ruling elite that has introduced us to an emerging totalitarianism which seeks control over every aspect of our lives.

…So here’s the deal: I’m trying to get the word out before the food crisis becomes too apparent to the general public and there is a run on these seed banks. I’ve decided to sell the Survival Seed Bank™ at a discounted price to our customers who use this website to order.

As FED induced inflation sends shock waves through agricultural commodity prices, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to see this same Survival Seed Bank selling for $1000.00 or more in just a few short years. Please understand, once the average guy on the street realizes food prices are headed for the moon, it may in fact be too late. Too late in the game to not only buy seeds wholesale, but it may be too late to even get seeds! Period. You see, the worldwide inventory of premium-grade vegetable seed isn’t large enough to supply a panicked population, supplies will simply run out.

But right now, for Solutions From Science customers, as long as you buy online from this site, I will send you the entire one-acre Crisis Garden for just-

(For as long as we can keep them in stock!)

That’s less than half of what everyone less would have to pay if they bought “germination-tested” heirloom seeds like this at full retail. So I’m making this “extra” discounted offer because our current customers deserve “first dibs” on something this important….

So, I guess, now that they’ve got all the terrified suckers invested in overpriced gold, convinced that American paper currency won’t be any damned good once the end times are upon us, they’ve decided to switch the game around a bit and milk them for a little bit more… “Sure, you’ve got gold, but you can’t eat gold, can you? What you need are seeds. Seeds are the currency of the future!

So, basically they’ve taken something that could have been incredibly positive – a movement to relocalize food production and take it out of the hands of mono-cropping factory farms – and they’ve twisted it. They’ve taken Victory Gardens, and made them Crisis Gardens. And, yes, that’s the terminology that they use.

One thing they never touch on, though, is how you’re supposed to guard your acre of heirloom vegetables once all your neighbors turn into to starving Socialist zombies. Maybe the next wave of ads will be for bulk gun power and NoDoz pills, which, as we all know, will be the real currency of the new, post-Democracy world.

update: OK, I take it all back. Now that I’ve studied the situation a bit more carefully, I can totally appreciate the truly fantastic offer these folks are making. In fact, I’m thinking about joining their distributor network.

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  1. Bob K
    Posted January 20, 2011 at 10:51 pm | Permalink

    Sounds like they cater to the same people who were buying Y2K “emergency backyard water resevoirs” in 1999. As it turns out, these were the rather small plastic backyard “pools” for small kids, but at prices way jacked up over what they would sell for a K-Mart.

  2. Andy Ypsilanti
    Posted January 20, 2011 at 11:20 pm | Permalink

    I miss the days when Thayrone kept the music and the politics (mostly) separate. He plays some damn fine music, but its just so hard to get past the Muslims are goona get ya’/Obama’s a socialist/ Palin knows the answer rhetoric. I have fond memories of discovering the Bone Conduction Music Show in High School, and of seeing the Witch Doctors at T.C’s.

  3. Andy Ypsilanti
    Posted January 20, 2011 at 11:21 pm | Permalink

    Oh, and I laughed out loud at the seed bank commercial. Not so much at the bit from the website.

  4. Posted January 21, 2011 at 12:11 am | Permalink

    Sigh. I’ve known people like this in the “slow food” movement. I gave up trying to explain (in a nice way) that a) you can’t survive on what you can grow on your own (I forget exactly how much land you would need but they ain’t got it) and b) it’s only your vegetable garden until I show up with firearms and then it’s my vegetable garden until the person with more firearms shows up and on and on and on.
    Having said that though, I’ll totally buy one from you if you start distributing.

  5. Knox
    Posted January 21, 2011 at 7:32 am | Permalink

    Magic beans come to mind. The kind Jack traded his cow for in the Jack and the Beanstalk story.

  6. Posted January 21, 2011 at 7:39 am | Permalink

    Patti has frightened me. I just had thoughts of the multitudes of local rulerships that would pop up upon the collapse of central federal and state governments.

    The idiot that shoots small animals (the guy who gave me a lecture on how evil Rachel Carson is) in front of my property while drunk would be my new landlord, sitting on his drunken ass all day while I grow squash for him.

  7. Posted January 21, 2011 at 9:06 am | Permalink

    I just realized that I see this idiot Thayrone almost every day in the Angell computing site, assuming it’s the same guy. He’s teaching adjunct at UM. Again, assuming it’s the same guy.

    I love the way these idiot rightists have appropriated the word “logic.” Assuming that logic means coming to rash, uninformed and uneducated conclusions, much like “common sense,” whatever the fuck that is.

  8. Oliva
    Posted January 21, 2011 at 9:52 am | Permalink

    Thayrone used to be an open-minded, decent guy, according to some of his former friends. Maybe you could ask him, Peter: what happened? (Don’t phone in, though–he’ll mock you and try tearing you apart.) I’m not sure how Mark can listen and not feel poisoned, but I admire the ability to listen and not let it penetrate the vital membranes of one’s being, piercing one’s love and hope for humanity. (My husband listens now and then and reported once that Thayrone talked about having grown up on “the south side of Livonia,” tough neighborhood. He probably was joking–maybe his whole schtick is a ruse. We all crave attention, right? to varying degrees.)

  9. Edward
    Posted January 21, 2011 at 10:00 am | Permalink

    Speaking of seeds, I read something yesterday about a prisoner who, for his last meal, asked for only a single unpitted olive. He wanted it to be in his stomach when he died, so that it might sprout an olive tree from his dead body. I loved the imagery. Maybe I’ll send Beck an olive. It would be nice if something good and beautiful grew out of his rancid husk.

  10. RoboDog
    Posted January 21, 2011 at 10:32 am | Permalink

    Can you please work this phrase into the header of your site?

    A desperate lower class demanding handouts. A rapidly diminishing middle class crippled by police state bureaucracy. An aloof, ruling elite that has introduced us to an emerging totalitarianism which seeks control over every aspect of our lives.

  11. dragon
    Posted January 21, 2011 at 12:18 pm | Permalink

    How long until the exploitation of Cabbage Patch Kids is viewed as a sound investment?

  12. Kim
    Posted January 21, 2011 at 1:38 pm | Permalink

    I think you’re right about the lowest common denominator being gun powder. That trumps seeds and gold.

  13. Diggum
    Posted January 21, 2011 at 11:46 pm | Permalink

    The brilliant part is the seeds come in (from the Web site):

    “a waterproof seed bank at no additional cost. That’s right. You can actually bury this unit for up to 20 years if you like and still have your seeds when you need them most.”

    I really need to come up with a product that folks buy on face value, never use, and just bury in their yard for twenty years waiting for the Apocalypse. I’m just spitballin’ here but I’m thinking maybe a cure-all vaccine or zombie ray gun? How about tablets of concentrated fresh water that people can rehydrate into precious fresh water (fine print: by adding water)?

  14. Pig Iron
    Posted January 22, 2011 at 12:19 am | Permalink


    I’m with you and willing to invest. But I think we should just sell sacks of iron ore which folks can bury until the time comes to smelt and fashion it into any type of weapon.

    Wikipedia says it’s “more integral to the global economy than any other commodity…”

    You can’t eat gold. It’s not much good for fighting, either.

    I’ve seen the future, and it is iron!

  15. Emma
    Posted January 22, 2011 at 10:37 am | Permalink

    In case someone is actually looking for heirloom seeds (at a fraction of the cost of the ones in the Crisis Garden).

  16. Robert
    Posted January 22, 2011 at 12:11 pm | Permalink

    I’m setting up my survival garden within the walls of Jackson State Prison once all the inmates have murdered each other off, which should only take a day or so. Then I’ll protect my crops with dogs, boobytraps and snipers.

  17. Edward
    Posted January 22, 2011 at 12:57 pm | Permalink

    Crops are too hard to protect. I’m raising nutria in my apartment. (I feed them compost., coffee grounds and cigarette butts.) They’re guarded by a pair of wolves.

  18. Monexus
    Posted January 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm | Permalink

    I have just invested in a Ropen egg and a harness. My family’s future is secure.

  19. DRich
    Posted January 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm | Permalink

    I like this line from the website: “And… you’ll have confidence knowing that you and your family will be able to eat if the Insiders trigger some huge meltdown.”

    Also, you can tell it’s all bullshit by the poor use of quotation marks to improperly emphasize words, as in, “So I’m making this ‘extra’ discounted offer…” Man, I hate when people misuse quotation marks like that.

  20. DRich
    Posted January 23, 2011 at 8:42 pm | Permalink

    Wait, that hot chick on the distributor network site made $60!

  21. Corey
    Posted April 28, 2011 at 9:05 am | Permalink

    there is a realistic possibility that crisis will strike at any time, so i think people should stop being so arrogant in their assumptions.. be open minded and consider all possibilities equally. the reality is that the Federal Reserve is indeed owned and operated by a greedy bunch of international bankers who do in fact dictate inflation for the usa, england, italy, germany, and therefore most of the world. do the research and investigation before ASSuming everything is fucking peachy. the truth is 99% of the sheeple like to think the gov cares about them and will help them if shit gets bad, but they have shown they will not with katrina.
    the point is–do the research yourself, stop being a lazy arrogant/naive consumerism/vanity-obsessed moron like the rest of the country, and start figuring out how to support yourself in the face of any disaster. research the exponentially growing number of earthquakes in number and power across the world and that should be enough to see how fragile our way of living is, and how quickly it could all change in minutes. research the 2012 galactic alignment on NASA and other websites. research solar flares and the unprecedented activity of the sun during this solar cycle. do SOMETHING to investigate some of these things for yourself and THEN come here and talk about them, or prepare how you see fit.
    idk much, but i do know that those who can and do become self sufficient are the only ones with nothing to worry about. the gov doesnt want self sufficient citizens, they need programmed robots to go to work for shit pay, pay taxes, and look the other way due to “national pride” or out of fear so they can keep terrorizing other countries and dropping bombs on anyone who doesnt comply. in other words, wake up, or its your ass.
    you will support wars on “terror” and “drugs” from cheesy nazi style media propaganda, but when something you SHOULD fear a bit, or atleast honestly consider comes along, you turn into Fox news? wow. this is why i HOPE the alignment causes a mass depopulation–thin the herd of all the dependent sheeple who are otherwise useless in ANY other scenario than the present one we put ourselves in right now from our own arrogance and ignorance.

    good luck–but u will need much more than that. so good investigating and preparing, if you have the balls to consider all possibilities.

  22. Boomba
    Posted July 14, 2011 at 4:42 am | Permalink

    Someday you people who think you are so educated and smart will be laughing out of the other side of your mouths. It is truly a shame to have such a bunch of idiot morons running around in our society today. You are probably the same ones who voted for this Prez. Are you lovin it? Or are you ready for a change? It’s your country as well as mine. Do you want to see it continue to go down the tube? If not get up and do something worth while instead of shooting your mouth off.

  23. Dave
    Posted August 22, 2011 at 11:43 pm | Permalink

    Don’t you dare come to my garden and ask for food for free, I will be selling it for gold and silver. The dollar will be worthless. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that when you print money or create it on a computer, considering all variables stay constant, the value of the currency goes down. Another way to make the currency that is backed by itself lose value is to have less countries investing in it and using it as an established currency. If you were unaware, BOTH of these devaluing methods are in play today and the future of the Dollar is destined to fail. If you don’t believe this, then explain how the world can pay off 1.5 Quadrillion Dollars (the current worldwide Dollar debt, or dollar amount created) to the Federal Reserve. There aren’t even 1.5 Quadrillion Dollars floating around. The Federal Reserve and Bankers have fooled us. Time to suck up your pride and do what needs to be done to be sovereign. If you ignore the warning signs that top finance masters have given us, then you will be sorry and you will suffer. Don’t be upset at us for warning you… We are only trying to help. Not to mention, Survival Seed Bank sells Non-Hybrid seeds, not GMO crap. Solar Panels are a great idea to have even without a fear of govt shutting down the power system, which TODAY is mainstream news. (Nice call skeptics.) Don’t you wish you bought your gold at $750 or $1000 an ounce? How bout $350 in 2001? Today it cracked $1900. Oh but they are just trying to sell you things! WAKE UP, USE YOUR HEAD, AND STAND FOR LIBERTY. It’s also called being a man and not relying on your food stamps to come.

  24. Posted October 1, 2011 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    Reality-based progressive world? Really Mark? What exactly is reality-based about a bunch of idiots who believe that everyone who criticizes Barack Obama is a racist, that you can run deficits forever and a currency will hold its value, and that 9-11 was inside job?
    You think Barack Obama is the smartest president to ever hold the office, yet he doesn’t know how many states there are, can’t pronounce the word corpsman, and claimed employers would receive a three thousand percent decrease in their preimiums once ObamaCare kicks in, and has also claimed that the automobile was invented in America. This guy doesn’t know much about history, math, or frankly running a country. Reality-based? I think not!

    My favorite reality-based behavior by progressives was when the climate change nuts held their conference in Mexico and opened it with a prayer to the Moon Godess. Now that my friend is a reality-based group of progressives.

  25. Mr. Coffee
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 2:44 pm | Permalink

    Anyone that wants my seed can have it. I dispense at about 10:00 PM each night in an apartment on Golfside.

  26. Dreadmoc
    Posted March 9, 2012 at 3:53 pm | Permalink

    Buying some stupid so-called “crisis garden seed kit”, complete with instruction manual, is NOT going to save your ass from some economic melt down or natural disaster.

    If you feel safer having a pvc pipe full of seeds tucked away in your underwear drawer, I’m happy for you.

    If you want true self sufficiency, learn how to grow food, harvest seeds and replant them the following year. And as another comment stated, make sure you have enough land to grow enough food.

    An emergency seed kit??? What the fuck is that? You will starve to death before your emergency food decides to grow and ripen. Grow a brain people. Or at least buy a six to eight month supply of Campbell’s Chunky Soup to go with your goofy seed bank.

  27. Posted January 22, 2013 at 10:11 pm | Permalink

    That trackback brought me back to this thread. These last comments are insane.

  28. JP
    Posted April 20, 2014 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    Don’t buy the seeds, Leftists. Don’t start a garden. And be sure to ridicule those who do.

    A world without Leftists awaits us ….


  29. Posted April 20, 2014 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    Again, I’m brought back to this thread. I’m reading the comment from “Dave”:

    “Don’t you wish you bought your gold at $750 or $1000 an ounce? How bout $350 in 2001? Today it cracked $1900. Oh but they are just trying to sell you things! WAKE UP, USE YOUR HEAD, AND STAND FOR LIBERTY. It’s also called being a man and not relying on your food stamps to come.”

    I’m noticing that the price of gold this morning was $1,289.00. I’m betting Dave lost a lot of money.

    The galactic alignment:

    “you will support wars on “terror” and “drugs” from cheesy nazi style media propaganda, but when something you SHOULD fear a bit, or atleast honestly consider comes along, you turn into Fox news? wow. this is why i HOPE the alignment causes a mass depopulation–thin the herd of all the dependent sheeple who are otherwise useless in ANY other scenario than the present one we put ourselves in right now from our own arrogance and ignorance.”

    Well, he would find great company in the American left in that he hopes most of humanity dies, but I don’t think the “galactic alignment” is going to help him. The apocalypse was supposed to com in 2012. Obviously, we are still here and, despite the Fed’s tyranny, inflation has been rolling at around 2% since.

  30. Posted April 20, 2014 at 2:17 pm | Permalink

    And check out Mark Gillar’s site.

    He interviews Newt Gingerich, Michelle Bachmann and intellectual heavyweight Herman Cain.

  31. Kevin
    Posted July 22, 2014 at 4:23 am | Permalink

    The other day I was wanting to buy a hammer. You see, I need one to hammer nails into walls. As I was about to check out, the sales person said something that totally put me off.

    He said I might need a hammer to defend myself when the totalitarian government takes over. I said “Oh yeah? I’m not buying your defense hammer! Take that Glen Beck!”.

    Unfortunately, I got home and realized I still need a hammer.

  32. Joe Mama
    Posted May 4, 2015 at 2:08 pm | Permalink

    “overpriced gold”

    And then you link to Media Matters? Talk about delusional. Buy hard assets now or pay the price. Progressive morons everywhere.

  33. G Gordon Liddy
    Posted June 12, 2017 at 3:14 pm | Permalink

    You bunch of liberal useful idiots. Trump is the president. Get used to it. You are a bunch of whining losers. Real America came out to vote this time.

5 Trackbacks

  1. […] them into giving me all of their aluminum foil, hams and whisky… Maybe I could trade them for magic seeds! This entry was posted in Ideas, Pop Culture, Rants, Uncategorized and tagged alcohol as currency, […]

  2. […] of Beck’s, which he’s attempting to sell between revenue-generating ads for things like magic beans, which will make it possible for you to feed your family once society falls apart, assuming you […]

  3. By Agenda 21 on November 26, 2012 at 12:07 am

    […] on this nonsense, peddling fear between ads for gold coins, local gun shops, and so-called “survival seeds.” So, it’s not the book that I object to – it’s the completely disingenuous […]

  4. […] of incredible news, Glenn Beck, the vile charlatan who’s made a career of fleecing the fearful and ignorant, announced that he intends to build a $2 billion Libertarian utopia in rural Texas […]

  5. […] cultivated in this garden is not plants so much as a certain image of oneself. Some, like blogger Mark Maynard, view this fantasy as perverse. He writes: So, it’s not so much about providing good, fresh food […]

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