A friend of mine is just starting to dabble in the whole internet dating thing. We spent quite a while this afternoon talking about it, and I found the whole thing absolutely fascinating. Having met Linette pre-internet, at a bar, like God had intended, I really had no idea just how sophisticated the whole process had become. Apparently it’s really a science now. My friend, who is trying out a service called OK Cupid, tells me that, after three days, she’s now only about half way though their 500 question survey. Apparently they require a great deal of thought. I guess I was naive. I suspected, for instance, that you could put in how old of a person you were looking for, and maybe whether or not you were cool with them having kids, and then search through photos by zip code. I thought that, at its raciest, an online dating site like this might ask whether or not people were interested in “casual sex.” Apparently it goes way beyond that, though. Following are just a sampling of the OK Cupid questions forwarded by this anonymous friend of mine. And she assures me that she’s not pulling my leg. If you feel compelled to answer any of them, please leave a comment… I promise not to look at your IP address and try to figure out who you are. I swear.
Q: Would you say your actions are guided more by your head or your heart?
Q: How does the thought of someone masturbating with you in mind make you feel?
Q: Would you ever consider a relationship where you would take on an exclusive sexual role as master or slave?
• Yes, as the master only.
• Yes, as the slave only.
• Yes, as the master or the slave.
Q: Do you ever want to punch people you don’t know, right in the face, for superficial reasons (the way they grin, their clothes, their voice, etc.)?
• It’s happens, but not often
Q: Imagine that your partner has a horrible accident and is left in a coma and on life support. The odds of improvement are nil. Your partner’s living will states that life support should be removed in this scenario. Which would you do?
• Remove the life support immediately.
• Follow proper procedures to get it removed.
• Walk away and let others decide.
• Fight to keep partner alive.
Q: Would you like to have someone strap on a dildo and put it inside you?
Q: If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex.
Q: Would you consider performing anilingus on a partner who asked you to?
• Let’s break skin
Q: Would you rather…
• be tied up during sex
• do the tying
• avoid bondage all together
Q: Would you consider roleplaying out a rape fantasy with partner who asked you to?
Q: Receiving anal sex?
• I like it / I think I might like it
• I don’t like it / I don’t think I would like it
So, yeah, I guess it’s no longer the proper etiquette to wait until the 2nd date to broach the subject of anilingus. Now-a-days you just spell it all out beforehand, which I suppose makes things a little easier. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is disgusted, but I suppose it must be nice to be able to just log-on to your computer and find 30 year old redheads within a 20-mile radius who believe in ghosts and enjoy being urinated on at the click of a mouse. For the most part it just amuses me to think that people my parents’ age who are suddenly thrown into the dating scene after years of marriage are having to contemplate these kinds of questions. It must absolutely terrify people to sit there, and see question after question designed to pinpoint exactly how large of an object you’d allow in your rectum, how often, and with what level of intensity. I suspect a huge number of people are terrified into celibacy. Or maybe they just come to terms with the fact that people today expect a certain amount of ass licking and rape play in their committed monogamous relationships.
In the defense of OK Cupid, my friend tells me that none of these questions are mandatory. You can choose to skip whichever ones you don’t feel comfortable with. And, you can prioritize those that you do answer, so, for instance, you won’t be matched up with someone who wants to bite you to the point of drawing blood if that’s where you choose to draw the line. And, in that respect, I guess maybe it’s a good thing. I’d like to know, I guess, that the woman sitting across from me at TGI Fridays, drinking her wine cooler, doesn’t have her heart set on gagging and beating me in the parking lot before I order the second Miller Genuine Draft. But, by the same token, wouldn’t you feel kind of obligated to perform anilingus if you marked that bubble in the affirmative on the survey? I wonder how many OK Cupid dates end with some standing in their doorway of their apartment and yelling out into the darkness, “But you said you perform anilingus,” as the sounds of someone running like hell echo through the neighborhood.
And what, God forbid, would happen if all of this data fell into the wrong hands? As of September 2010, OK Cupid claimed to have 3.5 million active users. Can you imagine what would happen if all of this anilingus data got into the hands of the marketing people and P&G? Your mailboxes would be full of tiny sample tubes of Crest for Anilingus. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
OK, I want to write more, but it’s late, and I want to see how many sexy young ladies in my neighborhood want to punch people in the face.