OK Cupid, now what?

    A friend of mine is just starting to dabble in the whole internet dating thing. We spent quite a while this afternoon talking about it, and I found the whole thing absolutely fascinating. Having met Linette pre-internet, at a bar, like God had intended, I really had no idea just how sophisticated the whole process had become. Apparently it’s really a science now. My friend, who is trying out a service called OK Cupid, tells me that, after three days, she’s now only about half way though their 500 question survey. Apparently they require a great deal of thought. I guess I was naive. I suspected, for instance, that you could put in how old of a person you were looking for, and maybe whether or not you were cool with them having kids, and then search through photos by zip code. I thought that, at its raciest, an online dating site like this might ask whether or not people were interested in “casual sex.” Apparently it goes way beyond that, though. Following are just a sampling of the OK Cupid questions forwarded by this anonymous friend of mine. And she assures me that she’s not pulling my leg. If you feel compelled to answer any of them, please leave a comment… I promise not to look at your IP address and try to figure out who you are. I swear.

    Q: Would you say your actions are guided more by your head or your heart?
    • Head
    • Heart
    • Genitalia

    Q: How does the thought of someone masturbating with you in mind make you feel?
    • Shocked
    • Disgusted
    • Flattered
    • Aroused

    Q: Would you ever consider a relationship where you would take on an exclusive sexual role as master or slave?
    • Yes, as the master only.
    • Yes, as the slave only.
    • Yes, as the master or the slave.
    • No.

    Q: Do you ever want to punch people you don’t know, right in the face, for superficial reasons (the way they grin, their clothes, their voice, etc.)?
    • Everyday
    • It’s happens, but not often
    • Never

    Q: Imagine that your partner has a horrible accident and is left in a coma and on life support. The odds of improvement are nil. Your partner’s living will states that life support should be removed in this scenario. Which would you do?
    • Remove the life support immediately.
    • Follow proper procedures to get it removed.
    • Walk away and let others decide.
    • Fight to keep partner alive.

    Q: Would you like to have someone strap on a dildo and put it inside you?
    • Yes.
    • No.

    Q: If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex.
    • Yes.
    • No.

    Q: Would you consider performing anilingus on a partner who asked you to?
    • Yes.
    • No.

    Q: Biting?
    • No
    • Yes
    • Let’s break skin

    Q: Would you rather…
    • be tied up during sex
    • do the tying
    • avoid bondage all together

    Q: Would you consider roleplaying out a rape fantasy with partner who asked you to?
    • Yes.
    • No.

    Q: Receiving anal sex?
    • I like it / I think I might like it
    • I don’t like it / I don’t think I would like it

    So, yeah, I guess it’s no longer the proper etiquette to wait until the 2nd date to broach the subject of anilingus. Now-a-days you just spell it all out beforehand, which I suppose makes things a little easier. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is disgusted, but I suppose it must be nice to be able to just log-on to your computer and find 30 year old redheads within a 20-mile radius who believe in ghosts and enjoy being urinated on at the click of a mouse. For the most part it just amuses me to think that people my parents’ age who are suddenly thrown into the dating scene after years of marriage are having to contemplate these kinds of questions. It must absolutely terrify people to sit there, and see question after question designed to pinpoint exactly how large of an object you’d allow in your rectum, how often, and with what level of intensity. I suspect a huge number of people are terrified into celibacy. Or maybe they just come to terms with the fact that people today expect a certain amount of ass licking and rape play in their committed monogamous relationships.

    In the defense of OK Cupid, my friend tells me that none of these questions are mandatory. You can choose to skip whichever ones you don’t feel comfortable with. And, you can prioritize those that you do answer, so, for instance, you won’t be matched up with someone who wants to bite you to the point of drawing blood if that’s where you choose to draw the line. And, in that respect, I guess maybe it’s a good thing. I’d like to know, I guess, that the woman sitting across from me at TGI Fridays, drinking her wine cooler, doesn’t have her heart set on gagging and beating me in the parking lot before I order the second Miller Genuine Draft. But, by the same token, wouldn’t you feel kind of obligated to perform anilingus if you marked that bubble in the affirmative on the survey? I wonder how many OK Cupid dates end with some standing in their doorway of their apartment and yelling out into the darkness, “But you said you perform anilingus,” as the sounds of someone running like hell echo through the neighborhood.

    And what, God forbid, would happen if all of this data fell into the wrong hands? As of September 2010, OK Cupid claimed to have 3.5 million active users. Can you imagine what would happen if all of this anilingus data got into the hands of the marketing people and P&G? Your mailboxes would be full of tiny sample tubes of Crest for Anilingus. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

    OK, I want to write more, but it’s late, and I want to see how many sexy young ladies in my neighborhood want to punch people in the face.

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      31 Comments

      1. ohbutno
        Posted September 5, 2011 at 12:37 am | Permalink

        OK Cupid is scary stuff. You can set up a profile using anyone’s email, without verification. Read here: http://networkedblogs.com/mAc5D

      2. ChelseaL
        Posted September 5, 2011 at 7:02 am | Permalink

        Just a guess: Was OK Cupid founded by drunken, horny, antisocial frat boys desperate for attention?

      3. Posted September 5, 2011 at 7:03 am | Permalink

        You’re not supposed to ask about anilingus on the first date? Oh, that’s what I did wrong way back then….

      4. Jules
        Posted September 5, 2011 at 8:04 am | Permalink

        Jeez, you guys. It’s ANALINGUS, got it?! Now you gone and made me get all word police-y on ya.

      5. Posted September 5, 2011 at 8:09 am | Permalink

        Two of my best friends use that site and I am now DYING to know how they answered those questions!!!

      6. Posted September 5, 2011 at 8:30 am | Permalink

        If the product is free, you are the product. Who do they sell that data to?

      7. Bob
        Posted September 5, 2011 at 9:32 am | Permalink

        ANILINGUS would be a great title for the new Monkey Power Trio record.

      8. Eel
        Posted September 5, 2011 at 10:43 am | Permalink

        Goatse?
        • One finger
        • Two finger
        • Three finger
        • Four finger (thumb out)
        • Four finger (thumb in)

      9. Posted September 5, 2011 at 11:37 am | Permalink

        Jules, I actually looked it up. Both are acceptable. As I’m sure that “analingus” is much more common, I’m not sure why the folks at OK Cupid chose to use the other spelling. Maybe they thought that it was classier.

      10. Posted September 5, 2011 at 11:42 am | Permalink

        And, for the record, I want it noted that I came up with the Crest for Analingus idea. The folks at P&G better not try to screw me out of what’s rightfully mine when, years from now, they try to launch that product in the US… My dream is to be the guy who made millions for coming up with this idea.

      11. Posted September 5, 2011 at 11:54 am | Permalink

        Why is no one answering these? I’d like at least one person to do so anonymously.

        Come on!

      12. Boobs
        Posted September 5, 2011 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

        The questions on OKCupid are user generated. You can create and answer any questions you want. In order for other to see your answers, however, they must answer the question themselves. It’s an interesting self-generated, viral, “natural selection” way to profile people.

        So if you’ve answered the analingus question and I want to see your answer, I have to answer it too. I can mark the question as irrelevant to my search. And I can comment on the question so that searchers will see my comment once they’ve answered. You also may skip questions. Theoretically, the analingus question would die out if no one cared about it.

        My answers? You first, Mark.

      13. Maria
        Posted September 5, 2011 at 1:43 pm | Permalink

        strange dating service.

      14. Posted September 5, 2011 at 3:52 pm | Permalink

        Thanks for the background, Boobs. I appreciate it… I should also add that OK Cupid isn’t positioned as an online dating site for swingers. In fact, my sense, having now spoken with a few people who know about such things, is that it has a better reputation than Match.com for providing a place for serious-minded singles to interact. That’s what surprised me about the nature and tone of the questions. This is mainstream online dating.

      15. Guess Who?
        Posted September 5, 2011 at 6:33 pm | Permalink

        Jesus Christ people:

        • Head XX
        • Heart
        • Genitalia

        Q: How does the thought of someone masturbating with you in mind make you feel?
        • Shocked
        • Disgusted
        • Flattered
        • Aroused XX

        Q: Would you ever consider a relationship where you would take on an exclusive sexual role as master or slave?
        • Yes, as the master only. XX
        • Yes, as the slave only.
        • Yes, as the master or the slave.
        • No.

        Q: Do you ever want to punch people you don’t know, right in the face, for superficial reasons (the way they grin, their clothes, their voice, etc.)?
        • Everyday
        • It’s happens, but not often XX
        • Never

        Q: Imagine that your partner has a horrible accident and is left in a coma and on life support. The odds of improvement are nil. Your partner’s living will states that life support should be removed in this scenario. Which would you do?
        • Remove the life support immediately.
        • Follow proper procedures to get it removed. XX
        • Walk away and let others decide.
        • Fight to keep partner alive.

        Q: Would you like to have someone strap on a dildo and put it inside you?
        • Yes.
        • No. XX

        Q: If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex.
        • Yes.
        • No.
        MAYBE

        Q: Would you consider performing anilingus on a partner who asked you to?
        • Yes.
        • No. XX

        Q: Biting?
        • No
        • Yes
        • Let’s break skin
        MAYBE

        Q: Would you rather…
        • be tied up during sex
        • do the tying XX
        • avoid bondage all together

        Q: Would you consider roleplaying out a rape fantasy with partner who asked you to?
        • Yes.
        • No. XX

        Q: Receiving anal sex?
        • I like it / I think I might like it
        • I don’t like it / I don’t think I would like it XX

        ——–
        I’d better get to be in your fucking H&O video now!

      16. Steve Swan
        Posted September 6, 2011 at 11:23 am | Permalink

        I just wear an “Are You Down with Analingus?” t-shirt.

      17. Kim
        Posted September 6, 2011 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

        My shirt says “I’m with analingus.” And there’s an arrow pointing down.

      18. Eel
        Posted September 6, 2011 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

        When you graduate from a 2 finger goatse to a 3 finger goatse, is there some kind of ceremony that takes place?

      19. anonymous
        Posted September 7, 2011 at 12:45 pm | Permalink

        I’ll bite.
        (Really. See 9th down)

        Q: Would you say your actions are guided more by your head or your heart?
        • Head X
        • Heart
        • Genitalia

        Q: How does the thought of someone masturbating with you in mind make you feel?
        • Shocked
        • Disgusted
        • Flattered
        • Aroused
        ** Don’t really care

        Q: Would you ever consider a relationship where you would take on an exclusive sexual role as master or slave?
        • Yes, as the master only.
        • Yes, as the slave only.
        • Yes, as the master or the slave. X
        • No.

        Q: Do you ever want to punch people you don’t know, right in the face, for superficial reasons (the way they grin, their clothes, their voice, etc.)?
        • Everyday
        • It’s happens, but not often X
        • Never

        Q: Imagine that your partner has a horrible accident and is left in a coma and on life support. The odds of improvement are nil. Your partner’s living will states that life support should be removed in this scenario. Which would you do?
        • Remove the life support immediately.
        • Follow proper procedures to get it removed. X
        • Walk away and let others decide.
        • Fight to keep partner alive.

        Q: Would you like to have someone strap on a dildo and put it inside you?
        • Yes.
        • No.
        **I’d try it

        Q: If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex.
        • Yes.
        • No.
        **Might

        Q: Would you consider performing anilingus on a partner who asked you to?
        • Yes.
        • No. X

        Q: Biting?
        • No
        • Yes X
        • Let’s break skin

        Q: Would you rather…
        • be tied up during sex
        • do the tying X
        • avoid bondage all together

        Q: Would you consider roleplaying out a rape fantasy with partner who asked you to?
        • Yes. X
        • No.

        Q: Receiving anal sex?
        • I like it / I think I might like it
        • I don’t like it / I don’t think I would like it X

      20. Anton P
        Posted September 7, 2011 at 1:18 pm | Permalink

        Q: Would you say your actions are guided more by your head or your heart?
        • Head
        • Heart
        • Genitalia
        • Stomach X

        Q: How does the thought of someone masturbating with you in mind make you feel?
        • Shocked
        • Disgusted
        • Flattered
        • Aroused
        • Depends on where they’re masturbating. X

        Q: Would you ever consider a relationship where you would take on an exclusive sexual role as master or slave?
        • Yes, as the master only.
        • Yes, as the slave only.
        • Yes, as the master or the slave.
        • No.
        • It’s not quite slavery. I prefer sexual feudalism. X

        Q: Do you ever want to punch people you don’t know, right in the face, for superficial reasons (the way they grin, their clothes, their voice, etc.)?
        • Everyday
        • It’s happens, but not often
        • Never
        • I do want to punch people in the face. I don’t consider the reasons listed to be superficial, though. X

        Q: Imagine that your partner has a horrible accident and is left in a coma and on life support. The odds of improvement are nil. Your partner’s living will states that life support should be removed in this scenario. Which would you do?
        • Remove the life support immediately.
        • Follow proper procedures to get it removed.
        • Walk away and let others decide.
        • Fight to keep partner alive.
        • I know society frowns on such things, but I would begin by eating her legs. X

        Q: Would you like to have someone strap on a dildo and put it inside you?
        • Yes.
        • No.
        • Hell, yes. I’ve found that’s the best way to remove excess ear wax. X

        Q: If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex.
        • Yes.
        • No.
        • I cannot be controlled during sex. I welcome them to try, though. X

        Q: Would you consider performing anilingus on a partner who asked you to?
        • Yes.
        • No.
        • Only if they specifically asked me not to. X

        Q: Biting?
        • No
        • Yes
        • Let’s break skin
        • Yes, I’ve found that it’s hard to consume legs without biting. X

        Q: Would you consider roleplaying out a rape fantasy with partner who asked you to?
        • Yes.
        • No.
        • Again, only if they specifically asked me not to. X

        Q: Receiving anal sex?
        • I like it / I think I might like it
        • I don’t like it / I don’t think I would like it
        • Only in a professional setting. X

      21. Elf
        Posted September 7, 2011 at 3:29 pm | Permalink

        Anilingus is gross. Taint licking, however, can be exquisite.

        You haven’t lived until you’ve licked tiramisu from a taint.

        And rape fantasies are disgusting, unless they involve bigfoot. At least I believe that’s the consensus we came to here a few days ago.

      22. Posted September 7, 2011 at 9:46 pm | Permalink

        I need to use that for the site’s new tag line…

        “MarkMaynard.com: like licking tiramisu from a taint”

      23. K2
        Posted September 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

        Every minute spent daydreaming about punching someone in the face is a minute that could have spent actually punching someone in the face. I don’t want daydreamers. I want women who don’t just dream, but do. I want a big, sexy face puncher.

      24. Robert
        Posted September 12, 2011 at 11:46 am | Permalink

        Q: Would you say your actions are guided more by your head or your heart?

        • Head
        • Heart
        • Genitalia
        • Random Chance XX

        Q: How does the thought of someone masturbating with you in mind make you feel?
        • Shocked
        • Disgusted
        • Flattered
        • Aroused
        • Confused & Disoriented XX

        Q: Would you ever consider a relationship where you would take on an exclusive sexual role as master or slave?

        • Yes, as the master only.
        • Yes, as the slave only.
        • Yes, as the master or the slave.
        • No.
        • Would depend on the lavishness of the plantation. XX

        Q: Do you ever want to punch people you don’t know, right in the face, for superficial reasons (the way they grin, their clothes, their voice, etc.)?

        • Everyday
        • It’s happens, but not often
        • Never
        • Always, and for very good reasons indicated through superficial clues. XX

        Q: Imagine that your partner has a horrible accident and is left in a coma and on life support. The odds of improvement are nil. Your partner’s living will states that life support should be removed in this scenario. Which would you do?

        • Remove the life support immediately.
        • Follow proper procedures to get it removed.
        • Walk away and let others decide.
        • Fight to keep partner alive.
        • Curl up in a ball, tuck away in a corner and sob uncontrollably. XX

        Q: Would you like to have someone strap on a dildo and put it inside you?
        • Yes.
        • No.
        • Is that a threat? XX

        Q: If a trusted partner asked you to submit to them sexually, would you? Assume that this would involve letting them collar you, command you, and have control over you during sex.

        • Yes.
        • No.
        • The partner would no longer be trusted…but yes. XX

        Q: Would you consider performing anilingus on a partner who asked you to?

        • Yes.
        • No.
        • Consider, yes. Actually do it, No. XX

        Q: Biting?

        • No
        • Yes
        • Let’s break skin
        • Life threatening blood loss. XX

        Q: Would you rather…

        • be tied up during sex
        • do the tying
        • avoid bondage all together
        • be having a relationship with a human being. XX

        Q: Would you consider roleplaying out a rape fantasy with partner who asked you to?

        • Yes.
        • No.
        • Yes, I’ll play a witness who calls the police. XX

        Q: Receiving anal sex?
        • I like it / I think I might like it
        • I don’t like it / I don’t think I would like it
        • I just wish it would stop. XX

      25. Meta
        Posted September 12, 2011 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

        According to my statistical analysis, that’s a perfect match for EOS, Robert. Congratulations on having found your true love at long last! Here’s hoping your back biting, face punching and analingus is enjoyable into old age.

      26. h Ref
        Posted September 15, 2011 at 1:43 pm | Permalink

        If you’re ever in Philly, look me up.

        I have an OK Cupid page.

        And I think we’re into some of the same stuff.

        http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Anilingus

      27. The captain
        Posted October 9, 2011 at 10:30 am | Permalink

        When a first date ends in analingus I call it a “Mary Tyler Moore.” I always have and I always will.

      28. Kim
        Posted October 9, 2011 at 4:06 pm | Permalink

        I thought a Mary Tyler Moore was when your received analingus through tight capri pants.

      29. Myron Semel
        Posted October 25, 2011 at 6:27 pm | Permalink

        I don’t consider myself very kinky, and it isn’t something that I’ve ever partaken of before, but MAN COULD I USE SOME ANILINGUS RIGHT NOW! If there’s anyone out there in the Cleveland area, let me know.

      30. Aidemu d'émulation
        Posted July 3, 2013 at 1:35 am | Permalink

        Users of OK Cupid seem to be turned off by my repeated references to cannibalism.

      31. Anonymous
        Posted July 23, 2013 at 2:32 pm | Permalink

        There is a sex act called a louis-vuitton and I have done it. There’s also a kate-middleton, which I’ve yet to find a person to experience with me on OK Cupid.

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        [...] have looked into speed dating but was not interested in the $25 events that are put on at bars and Ok Cupid and other online dating sites are frustrating and not that great. After I started advertising this [...]

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