Amtrak owes me

I was having dinner with a friend tonight, when a great new ad campaign for Amtrak occurred to me.


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  1. Posted November 22, 2010 at 11:40 pm | Permalink

    Here’s the reference, for those of you who don’t get it.

  2. Robert
    Posted November 23, 2010 at 7:31 am | Permalink

    Get ready for a wave of really creepy stories about child molesters and other sick perverts who get past the employment “screening” process over at the TSA. The leadership will pretend they have standards and claim the first few such incidents are isolated, but soon incidents will reach epidemic proportions.

    I love your Amtrak ad campaign idea. Though I understand it’s a jake, I really do believe it would work very well right now.

  3. Knox
    Posted November 23, 2010 at 7:50 am | Permalink

    It could be a “ripped from the headlines” campaign, using TSA stories as they arise. There’s so much potential. In the past few days alone, a few good ones come to mind.

    “Amtrak: we won’t make you remove that fake boob”

    “Amtrak: we won’t pop your urine bag”

  4. Edward
    Posted November 23, 2010 at 8:27 am | Permalink

    “Amtrak: we may not get you there in time, but we sure as hell aren’t going to feel you up”

  5. Robert
    Posted November 23, 2010 at 9:43 am | Permalink

    I know what the “T” and “A” are for, but what does the “S” stand for?

    We’ll get you there rested and unmolested.

  6. Robert
    Posted November 23, 2010 at 10:02 am | Permalink

    “Leave the driving to us…
    …and we’ll leave the choice of whether or not we see you naked to you.”

  7. Robert
    Posted November 23, 2010 at 10:11 am | Permalink

    “Where it’s always YOUR choice which strangers feel you up.”

  8. Posted November 23, 2010 at 12:45 pm | Permalink

    If I don’t get groped, I’m not riding the train. Period!

  9. Ted
    Posted November 23, 2010 at 1:24 pm | Permalink

    Greyhound: Fly, and you only have a 1 in 10 chance of getting groped

  10. Posted November 23, 2010 at 9:21 pm | Permalink

    Amtrak, ride us or the TSA agent’s fingers.

  11. Oliva
    Posted November 24, 2010 at 7:45 am | Permalink

    Don’t forget, you can bring guns on Amtrak trains now, thanks to Congress (though Amtrak had argued Please No!).

  12. Robert
    Posted November 24, 2010 at 9:01 am | Permalink

    Americans are morons. It’s funny that they all assume these scanners make them “safer” somehow. Is anybody talking about how the Israeli airline El Al has been keeping their flights so safe for so many years? They’ve been doing it without those stupid uber-expensive scanners (which are easily circumvented anyway). Strange how that isn’t part of the “conversation” here in the U.S. isn’t it?

    The TSA hires minimum-wage morons instead of security experts. Yeah, they’re really concerned about an attack. Right. If you are buying that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn you might be interested in purchasing.

    I’ll give you 10 to 1 odds that the manufacturer of these super expensive scanners just also happens to be a close friend of one or more of the top decision makers over there at the TSA.

    Does the average stupid American ever ponder why it was that no attacks occurred in the years BEFORE 9/11? I wonder if they even possess the intellectual capacity to understand the answer if it were meticulously explained to them.

    If there are all these terrorists out there just itching to take a bunch of us out, how come you don’t see any suicide bombers or gunmen walking into crowded cafes or college lectures constantly…or EVER?!

    The sad fact is that the vast majority of people are moronic sheep who don’t think about anything but what they are prompted to by their silly media favorites. What a nightmare it is to be cooped up with millions of absolute idiots and have one’s own fate inextricably tied to theirs.

  13. Edward
    Posted November 24, 2010 at 9:07 am | Permalink

    You spoke too soon. It looks like body scanners and all the rest may be coming to trains soon.

  14. Kim
    Posted November 24, 2010 at 10:47 am | Permalink

    On Greyhound, you’re likely to be fondled the whole trip. Maybe they could do an ad campaign using the song, “I like a man with a slow hand” over images of TSA agents rushing their intimate moments.

  15. Brent
    Posted November 24, 2010 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    Robert you’re assumption is exactly right:

  16. Robert
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 4:32 pm | Permalink

    Just as I said. The TSA is a bullshit cover. The domestic security scare is a fucking ruse.


    They’re all up in your junk, but they’ll probably miss your Glock. For all their newfangled body scanners and enhanced pat-downs, TSA agents at the country’s eighth-busiest airport failed to stop Houston businessman Farid Saif as he boarded a commercial jet with a loaded .40-caliber semiautomatic handgun. “I mean, this is not a small gun,” Seif said. According to a report by the local ABC affiliate:

    Seif says it was an accident which he didn’t realize until he arrived at his destination. He says he carries the glock for protection but forgot to remove it from his bag. He reported the incident as soon as he landed, shocked at the security lapse. “There’s nothing else in there. How can you miss it? You cannot miss it,” Seif said.

    In fact, you can. A lot. The ABC report cites an anonymous source who says TSA workers fail 70 percent of their agency’s routine spot checks and that “two weeks ago, TSA’s new director said every test gun, bomb part or knife got past screeners at some airports.” That’s an incredible statement in any case, but coming as it does on the heels of the controversy over passengers’ civil liberties and the government’s (supposedly) tougher security measures, it’s unconscionable.

    Adding fuel to the fire: Seif is reportedly an Iranian-American, and pro-profiling conservatives are certain to ask why he wasn’t given extra scrutiny before he boarded his Continental Airlines flight in the company’s hub airport, George Bush International. (Those conservatives likely will overlook the fact that Seif is a Texan American, and the CEO of a Houston-based oil-services company, to boot). Regardless of a passenger’s race, creed, color, or origin, though, you’d like to think that airline screeners can spot the great big locked-and-loaded Austrian-made hand cannon in your carry-on.

  17. Sherlock F. Holmes
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 9:51 am | Permalink

    So groping everybody and multi-million dollar rapiscan machines doesn’t keep people from bringing loaded guns onto planes. Hmmmm.

    – Sherlock Fucking Holmes

  18. Sherlock F. Holmes
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 7:12 pm | Permalink

    The Federal Government has been SOOOO concerned about terrorism that they haven’t until just now decided to check the registrations of privately owned aircraft. In doing so they discovered that as many as one-third of them have inaccurate or phony registrations.

    Boy, it sure is strange that NINE YEARS after the 9/11 attacks it suddenly occurs to somebody that privately owned aircraft registrations should be checked. What complete assholes these people are, and what complete morons everyone is for believing the bullshit they dish out.

    – Sherlock Fucking Holmes

  19. Edward
    Posted December 22, 2010 at 12:58 pm | Permalink

    When did they evolve from pornoscan machines into rapescan machines?

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