I know I should have said this a week ago, when you might have actually bought something, but I was busy fretting over world events and wringing my hands… Anyway, you know what would make a delightful Valentine’s gift? Something from the Severed Unicorn Head Superstore… Seriously, handmade unicorn products are like a million times more romantic than clear pieces of stone mined by the terribly abused on behalf of criminally loathsome scumbags. Do you want me to let you in on a secret? DeBeers lies in their advertising. You can get laid without going into debt to buy shiny rocks. All you need is a personality. Sure, there are a few women who want enormous rings, but, in my opinion, you’re better off without them anyway. I’d much rather have a woman that appreciated a severed unicorn head any day… And I know it’s too late for most of you to get a severed unicorn’s head by Valentine’s Day, but you can send a card. And, it’s free!
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If only you had posted this last week! I’ve already done all of my shopping at the Bloody Gorilla Scalp Savings Center.
It is kind of funny how we save up all these green pieces of paper so that we can buy shiny rocks, which will allow us to have a ceremony so that we can legally rub our private parts together. The people on other planets must laugh their scaly green asses off.
I had a girlfriend who always gave head for Valentine’s…
I split the difference and got my valentine this.
You forget, Ubu, I’ve seen what you look like.
I’ll be getting my sweetie a severed unicorn head for Valentine’s Day. To symbolize our infinite union he will be giving me a headless body. Not a unicorn body. Those are too expensive.
I bought my sweetie a horse head and just drove a piece of pipe through the front. That and a coat of white paint was all it took. The whole thing only cost me $20.