mark maynard turns forty

You have entered Mark Maynard’s virtual birthday party. It was 40 years ago today that Mark Maynard was pulled screaming from his unconscious mother. Have a piece of cake. Make a Viagra joke. Draw everyone’s attention to his receding hairline. Buy him a drink. Slap his belly and watch it jiggle. Confess your love for him. Accuse him of having done something horrendous. Congratulate him on making it this far, against all odds. Beg him for forgiveness. Do whatever comes naturally. You will never be allowed in his home again. This is your only chance.

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46 Comments

  1. Ol' E Cross
    Posted February 11, 2008 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    It looks like from the photo, Mark left us a little more than half his birthday cake. That’s about two-thirds than I would’ve expected.

    Happy Birthday Mr. Maynard.

    (Can I RSVP this space now for my 40th in a couple/few years?)

  2. Ol' E Cross
    Posted February 11, 2008 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

    I meant to say “more” than I would’ve expected.

  3. dan
    Posted February 11, 2008 at 10:36 pm | Permalink

    That cake is looking pretty good.

    Happy Birthday Mark! 40 is the new 14!

  4. Deadhand Dan
    Posted February 11, 2008 at 11:00 pm | Permalink

    Weird. I have a friend named Mark here in MN who had a birthday today as well, and someone brought that EXACT same kind of cake into work. Weird.

    Happy Birthday, friend.

  5. Kelly
    Posted February 11, 2008 at 11:16 pm | Permalink

    Happy Birthday! I owe you so much. I am 15 now and still babysit for a coupple more years. Thanks to what I learned from you I have $642K in the bank and my accountent says I can totaly retire at 17. Thank god! I dropped out school because I hated it so much. Whats the point?! My dad also just turned 40 but you are so much cooler. All he wants is my babysitting money. Loser! LOL!!!

  6. Posted February 11, 2008 at 11:43 pm | Permalink

    Awesome dude! Happy Birthday! Both Aquarius? Both turning 40? We’ve got so much in common (besides a love of fur)! If you can make it my party, I’ll buy you the ticket!

  7. Posted February 11, 2008 at 11:56 pm | Permalink

    Happy Birthday and thank you. This was the place that I discovered the emotionally transforming power of male genital grooming. I know have much more confidence around women. And I know that when I find one willing to touch me, they will find it every bit as fulfilling as I do.

  8. Rick Richmond
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 12:15 am | Permalink

    Congratulations on turning 40! At this critical phase in your life, it’s important to find the products that will help you enter the next phase with comfort, success and personal confidence!

    We offer many exciting products that will bolster your confidence, energy and personal mobility/hygiene to make the golden years of your life solid gold! Now is not the time to look back. Now is the time to move forward to the future!

    Happy Birthday Markmaynard.com! And welcome to your fastest, freshest years. Welcome to your future!

  9. Edith Holmes
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 12:27 am | Permalink

    Hello. My name is Edith Holmes. My son died of a rare brain disease at age 40. It struck without warning the day after his birthday. Before that he was very healthy and vivicous with a good sense of humor. It is my mission to stop this tradegy from happening to any other mother. There is no better grief than burying your son the day after his fortieth birthday. Not a day goes by I don’t think of what I did differently. Please see a doctor before it is to late for you. Anyone else reading this who is 40 should do the same. God bless you and happy birthday!

  10. Posted February 12, 2008 at 6:52 am | Permalink

    Happy birthday!

  11. Suzie
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 6:54 am | Permalink

    Can I still comment if I want to send actual good wishes?

    Hope it was a good one, and best wishes for this year & many more. (And thanks for the virtual cake!)

  12. Posted February 12, 2008 at 8:06 am | Permalink

    Happy b-day, Mark. Having just joined the club 7 months ago, I can attest that being 40 is like the new 39 . . .

  13. Toad
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 8:33 am | Permalink

    It’s a shame you won’t live long enough to see hairless balls genetically engineered.

  14. Hyperion
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 8:39 am | Permalink

    In Spain, where I am from, it is the tradition to put powdered erectile dysfunction pills in the frosting of 40th birthday cakes.

  15. Old TV
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 9:27 am | Permalink

    I’d sooner dig my eyeballs out with a fork than turn 40.

  16. BinaryBob
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 9:44 am | Permalink

    Oh, you are still using the decimal numerical system? HA HA! That’s so arbitrary and antiquated. What are you, a cave man, counting on your fingers and toes? We’re living in the computer age now, Mark. It’s all binary based. Get with it! You really should have just had a line of six candles on your cake with only the first and third on the left lit. (you’d be saving so much on candles – and you call yourself an environmentalist!)

    There really isn’t anything that special about your birthday this year. You’re just turning from 100111 to 101000. The really big one’s were 001000 years ago when you turned 0100000, and back when you first got your drivers license at 010000. The question now is “Will Linette still need you and will she still feed you when you’re 1000000?”

    From Wikipedia:
    “Some cultures do, or used to, use other numeral systems, including pre-Columbian Mesoamerican cultures such as the Maya, who use a vigesimal system (using all twenty fingers and toes), some Nigerians who use several duodecimal (base 12) systems, the Babylonians, who used sexagesimal (base 60), and the Yuki, who reportedly used octal (base 8).”

    I know the vigesimal and sexagesimal systems sound tempting, but you must at least be a little binary-curious.

  17. be OH be
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 11:54 am | Permalink

    I thought I was a little binary-curious in college, but that passed.

    Happy birthday, Mark.
    be careful tomorrow.

  18. Chelsea
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 12:41 pm | Permalink

    Happy birthday, bud. You’ve done well so far. Forty is…a piece of cake. :-)

  19. Posted February 12, 2008 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

    Congratulations on entering a new demographic bracket. Will your consumer dollars be as important to GloboChem Corp. as the coveted 18-39 year olds? May it be so!

    I gave up beer for Lent, but I can at least offer to buy you one.

  20. Posted February 12, 2008 at 2:03 pm | Permalink

    Happy birthday, Mark! I’ll send you a nice present. I wish I had enough money to get you a new ghillie suit, but I’ll dig up something special.

    By the way, did you make it to 200 pounds, too?

  21. pdparrot
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 4:01 pm | Permalink

    Happy B Day Man!
    I hit forty in two months myself. planning on jumping out of a plane to celebrate.
    thanks for the cake, I like cake.

  22. Little Dick Dave
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 5:27 pm | Permalink

    I spit all over the cake about 15 comments ago.

    HA! HA!

  23. Posted February 12, 2008 at 7:35 pm | Permalink

    The fact that you made another circuit around the sun can only mean one thing:

    My plan to destroy the sun failed! And I would have done it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.

    Anywho, happy birthday and all that. For some reason, I’m now hungry for cake.

  24. egpenet
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 11:08 pm | Permalink

    Huh? So … OK, 40 … Happy Birthday … I guess.

  25. schutzman
    Posted February 12, 2008 at 11:20 pm | Permalink

    I (we) join with the country (city) in congratulating you on your birthday, made doubly significant because of your remarkable success.

    also,

    I am (we are) thinking tenderly of you today. May you have the strength to bear your great affliction.

  26. DanIzzo
    Posted February 13, 2008 at 12:21 am | Permalink

    Congrats! I’m turning the big 40 in a couple of months myself, so thanks for paving the way. Now if only I could grow a beard . . . and then shave it off.

  27. Kathy
    Posted February 13, 2008 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    Happy Birthday, Mark!!

  28. Posted February 13, 2008 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    40? What? Well, you should be happy that you do not at all seem like you’re 40 :) Happy Birthday!

  29. D. Smallwood
    Posted February 13, 2008 at 11:42 am | Permalink

    Happy Birthday Mark! Hope you had a good one.

    Do you happen to know your exact birth time? I’ll bet that doc was too busy with the forceps to look at the clock. Your birth story sounds like some twisted version of “The Prisoner”. Hope your belly fat isn’t chapped from all that slapping.

  30. Posted February 13, 2008 at 12:09 pm | Permalink

    andrea: I just realized that you are almost old enough to be my Dad. Almost.

    swoops: We love you Mark!

  31. Paw
    Posted February 13, 2008 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    There are any number of men that could have been your dad. It was a crazy night.

  32. Dr Cherry
    Posted February 13, 2008 at 3:06 pm | Permalink

    happy birthday you crazy fucker.

  33. John on Forest
    Posted February 13, 2008 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    Happy Birthday, new friend. 40? Someday soon you’ll be grown up.

  34. mark
    Posted February 13, 2008 at 10:40 pm | Permalink

    Thank you all for coming. We should do this more often.

  35. Vera
    Posted February 13, 2008 at 11:23 pm | Permalink

    Aw, I missed it! Happy Birthday. In honor of things that only you could think of, may this be the year you finish the swimming-pool-of-bodily-fluids project of yours.

  36. kez
    Posted February 14, 2008 at 9:42 pm | Permalink

    save your dirty nickels my friend, save them in a pickle jar!

  37. dan
    Posted February 14, 2008 at 11:09 pm | Permalink

    Hello. My name is Dan G. My brother turned into a total asshole when he turned 40. It struck without warning the day after his birthday. Before that he was very healthy and vivicous with a good sense of humor. It is my mission to stop this tradegy from happening to any other brother. There is no better grief than being really aggravated by your brother the day after his fortieth birthday. Not a day goes by I don’t think of what I did differently. Please see a doctor before it is to late for you. Anyone else reading this who is 40 should do the same. God bless you and happy birthday!

    (I couldn’t resist for some reason…)

  38. Paw
    Posted February 15, 2008 at 11:20 am | Permalink

    Vera, if you’d like to take a dip, I’ve got a baby pool full of urine and saliva. I’ve only got a quart of “that other fluid” though. Not even enough to soak your feet in.

  39. Fur Hunter
    Posted February 15, 2008 at 4:48 pm | Permalink

    I heard there was a furry at this party.

    I’m here for his pelt.

    Where is he?

  40. Ol' E Cross
    Posted February 16, 2008 at 11:51 pm | Permalink

    Fur Hunter,

    Far too late, comrade. I’m wearing it. You got to get up pretty early to beat OEC to a polyester pelt (although, I must say, this one smells strongly of smegma and chili fries).

  41. Phil Lip
    Posted February 16, 2008 at 11:53 pm | Permalink

    As I recall, OEC, everything you wear reeks of smegma and chili fries.

  42. Ol' E Cross
    Posted February 16, 2008 at 11:53 pm | Permalink

    Like I said…

  43. mark
    Posted February 17, 2008 at 12:16 am | Permalink

    Did you see Phil Lip just pounce on him like that? It was amazing. He’s got the agility of a jaguar.

  44. egpenet
    Posted February 17, 2008 at 12:28 am | Permalink

    Being forty is like being on Prednesone … you get fatter and a lot more angry.

    So says Kathleen Turner and even Don Imus.

    My male Persian cat is on it and he has become a total jerk.

    Poor Linette.

    Poor Clementine!

    Yikes!

    Poor us!

    Where will we go to blog for fun?

    Perhaps Common Monkey Flower or Saltzman could take over the levity segment of the maeket for a while, while Mark chills.

    Novelty and the angst should wear off in a few weeks or so.

  45. egpenet
    Posted February 17, 2008 at 12:29 am | Permalink

    Party? What party?

  46. Posted February 17, 2008 at 2:21 pm | Permalink

    I want to be invited the next time there is a smegma and chilli fries party. For sure!

    It’s AMAZING, every time I put the “c” in comast that link won’t be accepted by this blog site. Hmmmm, mark are you in favor of censorship?

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