holiday penis spam

I get a lot of unsolicited email. For the most part, it’s from folks who seem genuinely concerned about the size of my penis. I hadn’t until today, however, received an email about my penis that was holiday themed. The email, from a gentleman who identified himself as Thorsten Bemis, was simple, and direct. Here it is:

Your dick won’t fit down in chimney, after you take this incredible medicine!

I guess I’d never thought about it before, but I really don’t want my penis to go down a chimney. If it were just a magic salve that would somehow keep my penis from going down chimneys, I might be persuaded to shell out a few bucks. (Better safe than sorry.) But I don’t know that I’d want to take “incredible medicine” that would swell my penis to a volume that couldn’t be sucked into the giant, gaping mouth of an industrial chimney on the off chance that it may one day save my life. It might also be true that I could one day be in a situation where I could save my own life with a 20-foot length of rope. That doesn’t mean that I should set out to stretch my penis another 18 feet. It just doesn’t make sense.

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  1. Posted December 17, 2007 at 11:52 pm | Permalink

    wow… i want to comment. i really do, but this is not a bad episode of Robot Chicken in the making. i’ll just sit here and be quiet.

  2. Ol' E Cross
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 12:03 am | Permalink

    Hell no. You don’t want your penis to go down a chimney, that’s sick. It’s far better to stick it up a chimney. Penises are meant to go up things, not down things.

  3. egpenet
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 12:09 am | Permalink

    The way the note is written, it reads like a gag from Andre Cordrescu (sp?)… its has a sort of Romanian counterfeit drugs from gypsy pharamcology student lab kinda sound.

    Stop it Andre!

  4. egpenet
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 12:17 am | Permalink

    By the way, I notice you didn’t give uas the link so we could … harumpf! … see the ad.

  5. mark
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 7:26 am | Permalink

    I knew that someone would ask. I just didn’t think it would be you, Ed.

    Sorry to have snared you in my net.

  6. Steph's Dad
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 9:01 am | Permalink

    I don’t worry about chimneys. It’s drains that concern me.

  7. FF
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 11:31 am | Permalink

    Sounds like a curse from the old country. “May you have a cock bigger than St. Nicholas.” (followed by the sound of spitting)

  8. Karl
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

    I want mine to fit in a chimney, but just barely.

  9. Stretch Armstrong
    Posted December 18, 2007 at 11:38 pm | Permalink

    Okay. So Mark, can you clarify “stretch my penis another 18 feet”? Does that mean you’ve already stretched your penis 17’9 inches or that you’ve stretched it 21 inches?

    (I just didn’t want you to be disappointed that no one commented on your two-foot-long silly-putty schlong.)

    True story:
    I was walking home one night and passed by EgPenet and Mark who were peeing off the side of Cross Street bridge:
    Mark: “Boy, the water in the Huron sure is cold tonight.”
    EgPenet: “Yah, and deep, too.”

  10. Posted December 19, 2007 at 12:43 pm | Permalink

    On behalf of everyone at the Chimney Safety Institute of America, I would like to thank you for bringing this important issue to the attention of the American populace. Comically large penises save lives, people.

  11. tower flower
    Posted December 19, 2007 at 2:59 pm | Permalink

    Isn’t stuffing a penis down a chimney kinda based on the same principle as turduckin?

  12. mark
    Posted December 20, 2007 at 12:06 am | Permalink

    Didn’t Woody Guthrie’s guitar say, “This Chimney Swallows Penises“?

    Or, was it his chimney that said that?

  13. mark
    Posted December 20, 2007 at 12:07 am | Permalink

    And how fortunate it was for me that I didn’t take this medicine. I wouldn’t have been able to fit into the MRI tube this evening if I had.

  14. mark
    Posted December 20, 2007 at 12:28 am | Permalink

    Wait, one second. If Ed’s penis knows that it’s deep, that must mean his penis is longer than mine! It may just be the MRI drugs, but I think I may have just been insulted!

    Please recant your testimony, and say that my penis is more freakishly long than Ed’s, or I will remove this site from the Intranets with the swiftness of an elk.

  15. mark
    Posted December 20, 2007 at 12:29 am | Permalink

    I want to single-handedly put 100 great comments on this thread, but I need to sleep right now. I’ll be back though.

  16. Ol' E Cross
    Posted December 20, 2007 at 8:22 am | Permalink

    tower, I think to complete the turduckin comparison, you first need to stuff the penis with a really big cigar.

  17. penis enlargement
    Posted April 9, 2008 at 8:42 am | Permalink

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  18. Posted August 20, 2008 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

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  19. Robert
    Posted August 20, 2008 at 8:30 pm | Permalink

    It is estimated that with every inch of length one adds to one’s penis, an average of approximately 300 million individuals are lost as potential mates due to their inability to accommodate (150 million if one is not at all bisexual).

  20. mark
    Posted August 20, 2008 at 9:11 pm | Permalink

    I just can’t bring myself to delete penis enlargement spam. I find it somehow comforting. I like knowing that, no matter how bad things get in the world, men still care how long and thick their pathetic little penises are.

  21. mark
    Posted August 20, 2008 at 9:14 pm | Permalink

    And, unfortunately, there are some people, Robert, who never meet that special someone with the matching genitalia. Somewhere, there’s a very sad young man with a cock shaped like a four leaf clover, who will never meet the woman in Peru with the lock to match his key.

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  23. Valentina
    Posted April 9, 2011 at 4:00 am | Permalink

    My grandmother is the Ukraine makes holiday penis spam each December. She uses oxen and fox peni.

  24. wellies
    Posted December 11, 2015 at 6:35 pm | Permalink

    Hello everyone, I am very happy today because I can now satisfy my wife in bed. I am Welly Mason and I want to let all know that the size of your penis really does matter, in your relationship or marriage.

    I got married to my wife about 1 month after we met on a photo studio, we
    lived happily for the first 3 months of our marriage until I and my wife
    started having quarrels at home because I couldn’t satisfy her on bed with
    my little penis, after removing said penis from my slacks. Actually my penis was very small, it measured about 4 inches long on erection and i am 39 years old. My wife said it was forbidden by the women of this world. my wife started sleeping with other men outside. Sometimes i will return from work without finding my wife at home and whenever i call or ask her where she was, she will always snub at me and sometimes just tell me to go get a larger dick in my slacks. All this continued for a long time and it hurt me so much that i was at the edge of breaking up on the marriage till when i read about a doctor
    called Dr. Henry Bude online.

    Now my wife no longer cheat on me, and my penis is now about 12 inches long
    on erection and off course very large and round.

  25. Jean Henry
    Posted December 12, 2015 at 12:48 pm | Permalink

    ^^That^^ is the strangest male fantasy/nightmare combo I have ever read– though I admit that I have not delved deeply into the subject. Still… even the names are great. I think a theatrical reading of MM Spam on the Saturday Six Pack is warranted..

  26. Frosted Flakes
    Posted December 12, 2015 at 1:57 pm | Permalink

    I thought Mark’s post was hilarious and then POW Welly Mason happened to me.

    It really is he little things in life that make all the difference.

  27. martin reese
    Posted February 17, 2017 at 7:36 pm | Permalink

    Am I the only one who was disappointed to find that this post was not about making spam from penises for the holidays?

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