my neck really fucking hurts

Today was my birthday, and I spent it writhing around on the living room floor in excruciating pain, screaming obscenities. My friend Dan tells me that back pain is psychological. I suspect in my case it has more to do with the fact that 39 years ago, this very day, I was forcefully extracted from my comatose mother. I can’t imagine that being yanked out of the womb with forceps clamped down tight on the head is the best thing for one’s neck. Of course, it also doesn’t help when, a few year’s later, you’re launched through the windshield of a car. And then there was that time that my friend, the big league baseball player, hit a line drive into my neck, temporarily knocking me out, and making it impossible for me to move my head more than an inch to the right or the left for over a week. But, yeah, I’m sure that in my case it’s psychological…. OK, I’m going back to the floor now… If you know of someone about six feet tall with a good, reliable spine (and no friends or family to speak of), send me an email. I’m told that the swap can be done in about 20 minutes.

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21 Comments

  1. muppster
    Posted February 11, 2007 at 11:52 pm | Permalink

    well happy birthday, pain or no….

  2. mike_1630
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 12:44 am | Permalink

    Hit in the neck with a baseball!? Man… that sounds bad. Uhm, happy birthday!! Well… doesn’t sound *too* happy, but still :)

  3. oliva
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 8:22 am | Permalink

    Happy birthday (week), youngster!
    Hope your neck troubles are history.

  4. oliva
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    Balneological help . . .

    m-w.com
    The Word of the Day for February 12, 2007 is:
    balneology\bal-nee-AH-luh-jee\noun

    : the science of the therapeutic use of baths

    Example Sentence:
    Dori studied balneology in Europe and now applies her knowledge at a spa in California.

    Did you know?
    “Sure, the hot water feels good. Sure, the massage is nice. But it goes beyond that, advocates say.” So wrote Ellen Creager in an article published on February 18, 2001 in the Detroit Free Press. The healing powers of mineral baths have long been touted by advocates like those mentioned by Creager. Though we’ve had the word “balneology” for just over 120 years, this method of treating aching muscles, joint pain, and skin ailments goes back to ancient times. Proponents of the science of bath therapy created the name “balneology” from the Latin word “balneum” (“bath”) and the combining form “-logy” (“science”). Today, some medical institutes in Europe have departments of balneology. Modern “balneologists” impart their knowledge to, or themselves serve as, “balneotherapists,” who apply their “balneotherapy” to grateful clients.

  5. UBU
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    Wow, you can hear than whining noise all the way over here…

  6. It's Skinner Again
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 12:19 pm | Permalink

    If the pain is psychological, the only way to treat it is to re-enact all those traumas.

  7. ol' e cross
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 12:58 pm | Permalink

    It’s hard to feel sorry for you, when you know exactly what you need but are just too stubborn to admit it.

  8. t.d. glass
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    If it helps, you can have a few vertebrae out of my cock.

  9. Dirtgrain
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 7:29 pm | Permalink

    Happy birthday. Sorry I missed bowling. I didn’t check my damn emails. Kim and I played board games at her parents’ house. It was nice, but if I found out that you sang karaoke, I’ll be really pissed at myself.

  10. deadhand dan
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 11:08 pm | Permalink

    Sorry to hear that you were in pain on your birthday. I’m also sorry that you refuse to accept any possibility that there might be some mind/body issues going on – the acceptance of which might get rid of the pain. If you want to cling to some ridiculous ideas that this injury has been there since birth (the body heals injuries, my friend, especially a young baby’s body), I guess that’s up to you. But if you seriously want to help yourself, and your family, I promise that checking out John Sarno’s books and having an open mind about his ideas won’t hurt. Ask your friend Howard Stern, since you seem to have no respect for an actual friend’s opinion.

  11. mark
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 11:37 pm | Permalink

    But, Dan, I thought that you still had debilitating back pain… How’s that possible, since you clearly have a handle on your mind/body issues?

    In all seriousness, I think my pain has a hell of a lot more to do with the softball to the neck in 1987 than it does to my extraction from the womb. You’re right, Dan, kids are resilient.

  12. mark
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 11:41 pm | Permalink

    And, as for how I’m doing today, I’m quite a bit better. Thanks for asking.

    On a completely unrelated note, would anyone like to see my kick Ubu’s ass? I’m thinking it would make for a nice pay-per-view event.

  13. deadhand dan
    Posted February 12, 2007 at 11:57 pm | Permalink

    So your neck hasn’t healed in 20 years? That makes less sense than my (Sarno’s) ideas. Instead of kicking Ubu’s ass, how about we hit the other side of your neck with a baseball bat. Even things out a bit. Should straighten the physical problem right out.

  14. It's Skinner Again
    Posted February 13, 2007 at 12:05 am | Permalink

    I hope your birthday was happy; nice to hear the spine is better.

    Should I keep looking for a 6-footer willing to spend 20 minutes on the floor with you? I haven’t found one yet.

  15. mark
    Posted February 13, 2007 at 12:28 am | Permalink

    I’d settle for two 3-footers, Doug, and a fridge full of Methadone and Slim-Fast, Doug.

    And, yes, Dan, my back has not healed in 20 years. And, for what it’s worth, Christopher Reeves didn’t seem to be getting better either. Human spines aren’t like lizard tails.

  16. terrygilmer
    Posted February 13, 2007 at 12:58 am | Permalink

    Happy belated birthday Mark. Hope you feel better.

  17. paulg
    Posted February 13, 2007 at 4:46 am | Permalink

    Glad you’re better Mark. I wonder if that’s because you spent some time on the floor.

    Ever since I got rid of the soft mattress pad on my bed, my back pain has almost disappeared (and if it doesn’t disappear completely, the mattress goes next).

    Maybe this was a placebo effect, but I think there could be an evolutionary reason too: the human body isn’t well adapted to modern comforts. Our ancestors spent millions of years sleeping on the ground, and so that’s what our bodies are adapted to. Anything else (especially something so unnatural as a bed) can only be harmful over the long term.

  18. mark
    Posted February 13, 2007 at 7:27 am | Permalink

    Our ancestors also lived to about 30 years of age. Given the choice, I’d rather be alive… For what it’s worth, I’m trying to change the way I sleep. The last few days I’ve been sleeping on my back, without a pillow. It seems to help.

  19. It's Skinner Again
    Posted February 13, 2007 at 10:00 am | Permalink

    I’ll look for some 3-footers. Maybe there’s a local Otherkin chapter that attracts hobbits.

    I realize that I’ve never had a single sip of either Slim-Fast or Methadone. I guess life is passing me by. Do you mix them, or use one as a chaser?

  20. UBU
    Posted February 13, 2007 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    Sorry, I don’t understand — what does “my kick UBU’s ass” mean? I see, it’s just a typing error — you meant “me kiss UBU’s ass.” First a beauty contest and now this, Wrestlemania XX: Ass Kickee in Ypsi. At least I’ll know to go for the neck.

  21. how tall would you like to be?
    Posted March 28, 2016 at 11:47 am | Permalink

    I sell black market spines.

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