derailed by brett

There was a ton of stuff that I wanted to write about tonight. I went to the brewery, thinking that I could write there. But, I ran into Brett and that was that…

I’ve never turned my blog over to anyone else before, but I’m going to get another beer now, and I’m turning the controls over to Brett. The next voice you hear will be Brett’s, uncensored… Ladies and gentleman, I give you Brett Schutzman:

Hello. Please put yourself in my position. Mr. Maynard drunkenly spins his apple about and explains that you can comment on his blog, inside of an actual post, for as long as it takes him to refill his beer.

Daunting, eh? What do you say?

I had considered looking up and then posting the lyrics to the NWA song, “Fuc…

Oh, wait, he’s back. Nevermind. As you were. Glad to have had this opportunity.

And here, to complete Brett’s thought, is a link to NWA’s “Fuck the Police,” not that I agree with his sentiment…

Posted in Mark's Life | 5 Comments

parasites controlling brain function (a possible explanation for blogging?)

I’m sitting here in the dark, researching parasites tonight, for a project that I’m not ready to tell you about just yet… Anyway, I came across the following, and I thought that I’d share it. As it’s ruined any chance that I had for a good night’s sleep, I thought that it might as well ruin yours too… Sweet dreams.

The carpenter ant in the picture on the left (genus Campanotus), and the bullet ant in the first film clip below (Paraponera clavata), have fallen victim to parasitic fungi of the genus Cordyceps, which manipulate the behaviour of their host in order to increase their own chances of reproducing.

The spores of the fungus attach themselves to the external surface of the ant, where they germinate. They then enter the ant’s body through the tracheae (the tubes through which insects breathe), via holes in the exoskeleton called spiracles. Fine fungal filaments called mycelia then start to grow inside the ant’s body cavity, absorbing the host’s soft tissues but avoiding its vital organs.

When the fungus is ready to sporulate, the mycelia grow into the ant’s brain. The fungus then produces chemicals which act on the host’s brain and alter its perception of pheromones. This causes the ant to climb a plant and, upon reaching the top, to clamp its mandibles around a leaf or leaf stem, thus securing it firmly to what will be its final resting place.

The fungus then devours the ant’s brain, killing the host. The fruiting bodies of the fungus sprout from the ant’s head, through gaps in the joints of the exoskeleton. Once mature, the fruiting bodies burst, releasing clusters of capsules into the air. These in turn explode on their descent, spreading airborne spores over the surrounding area. These spores then infect other ants, completing the life cycle of the fungus. Depending on the type of fungus and the number of infecting spores, death of an infected insect takes between 4-10 days…..

It just crossed my mind that the reason I’m so interested in parasites lately might be because there’s a colony inside me, and they want to see what there is on the web about their kind… I’m picturing them looking out through my eyeballs as I type this, getting nervous that I’m on to them… Perhaps they’ll kill me now, and move on… If you see me climbing to the top of a tall plant, you’d better run away before the spores go airborne.

Posted in Observations | 7 Comments

just like the jfk assassination

My friend Jeff operates a wildly popular “humor” website called The West Virginia Surf Report. On the site, when he’s not regaling his sweatpanted followers with side-splitting stories about public toilets (he doesn’t shit outside the home) and his family, he’s asking them to print out this line drawing of a smoking fish and photograph it whenever they find themselves either somewhere cool, or somewhere they probably shouldn’t be. Some of the shots he’s gotten back over the years are pretty amazing. Readers of his site have taken the fish with them to the World Series, Jessica Lynch’s front porch, Kuwait, Lake Titicaca, Machu Picchu, breakfast with astronaut Sally Ride, and even the Secret Emergency Relocation Center at the Greenbrier, where the U.S. Congress would be housed if there were a nuclear attack. It’s pretty impressive stuff (and it makes me insanely jealous whenever I think about it). Anyway, with all of that as background, here’s one of the more recent photos submitted. Look familiar?

Yeah, that’s me with some stupid fucking drunken, unflattering look on my face. I think it was taken at my 20th high school reunion. I distinctly remember seeing a flash and hearing the rustle of paper behind me. I don’t know how many people were involved, but I suspect it took a team of at least four to pull it off.

It was like the fucking Kennedy assassination.

Posted in Mark's Life | 6 Comments

heat guns, prehistoric fish, blubber fuel, and the 9/11 coverup

I know this BBC story about a new American urban warfare weapon that makes you feel like your skin is cooking is supposed to make me outraged, but it doesn’t. Maybe if they’d held back on the story until the middle of summer, I could sympathize, but today’s the coldest day of the year so far in Michigan and I know that I’m not the only one who would have killed for a few minutes with this thing as I was waiting for my car to heat up this morning.

It’s somewhat unrelated, but I had a dream the other night about roving bands of men that would cruise around the streets of post-apocalyptic America looking for fat people to harpoon and strip the blubber from. (Apparently they used it for fuel.) It was a disgusting dream. Obese people would hide in doorways as best they could, keeping an eye out for these pirate-like people who were navigating around in enormous Cadillac convertibles outfitted with masts and sails. The most upsetting thing is that I couldn’t tell whether I was one of the hunters or one of the hunted.

And, as long as we’re talking about unrelated stuff, have you seen the footage of the prehistoric shark that was just caught in Japan? It’s the freakiest shit I’ve seen in years. Seriously, it’s the stuff of nightmares.

And, as long as we’re not following any particular narrative thread right now, can I ask if any of you are planning to attend the Conspiracy Festival at UM on Sunday? I want to go, but it’s five hours long, and it starts less than 24 hours after The Great Ypsilanti Chili Challenge… and I’m not sure that’s enough time to decompress.

Posted in Mark's Life | 13 Comments

“be seeing you”

I’m sure it was completely lost on his asshole of a boss, but my friend Jack referenced “The Prisoner” when he walked out on his job a few days ago. He handed his boss a single piece of paper with the word, “RESIGNED” typed across the center. And, just to further confuse him, he added the image of a penny farthing at the bottom. I don’t know if he thought to say, “be seeing you,” in that perculiar McGoohan way as he paused in the doorway before leaving, but it would have been perfect… This is definitely the way you should leave a job… Of course, poor Jack is probably half way to the village by now, and I’m sure he won’t feel quite so clever when he gets there.

[And, for what it’s worth, if you don’t understand this post, you can never be my friend.]

Posted in Art and Culture | 10 Comments

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