heat guns, prehistoric fish, blubber fuel, and the 9/11 coverup

I know this BBC story about a new American urban warfare weapon that makes you feel like your skin is cooking is supposed to make me outraged, but it doesn’t. Maybe if they’d held back on the story until the middle of summer, I could sympathize, but today’s the coldest day of the year so far in Michigan and I know that I’m not the only one who would have killed for a few minutes with this thing as I was waiting for my car to heat up this morning.

It’s somewhat unrelated, but I had a dream the other night about roving bands of men that would cruise around the streets of post-apocalyptic America looking for fat people to harpoon and strip the blubber from. (Apparently they used it for fuel.) It was a disgusting dream. Obese people would hide in doorways as best they could, keeping an eye out for these pirate-like people who were navigating around in enormous Cadillac convertibles outfitted with masts and sails. The most upsetting thing is that I couldn’t tell whether I was one of the hunters or one of the hunted.

And, as long as we’re talking about unrelated stuff, have you seen the footage of the prehistoric shark that was just caught in Japan? It’s the freakiest shit I’ve seen in years. Seriously, it’s the stuff of nightmares.

And, as long as we’re not following any particular narrative thread right now, can I ask if any of you are planning to attend the Conspiracy Festival at UM on Sunday? I want to go, but it’s five hours long, and it starts less than 24 hours after The Great Ypsilanti Chili Challenge… and I’m not sure that’s enough time to decompress.

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13 Comments

  1. t.d. glass
    Posted January 26, 2007 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    Didn’t you have video of those things coming out of someone’s ass once?

  2. kvltrede
    Posted January 26, 2007 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    Am I planning on attending the Conspiracy Festival? Please. I have it on good authority that the whole goddam thing is a front for the NSA. If you go you damn well better use an alias and wear a fake mustache ‘cos your name and photo are going straight to a basement office in D.C., my friend.

  3. ol' e cross
    Posted January 26, 2007 at 2:16 pm | Permalink

    Nice try agent Maynard. You’ll never catch me.

  4. It's Skinner Again
    Posted January 26, 2007 at 2:53 pm | Permalink

    If you can’t tell if you’re one of the hunters or one of the hunted, you’re one of the hunted.

    I’m not sure the words “conspiracy” and “festival” belong together.

    And is “decompress” what you do after a chili pig-out? I guess that’s one word for it.

  5. mike_1630
    Posted January 26, 2007 at 10:28 pm | Permalink

    That shark is messed up – I… can never go in the water again. Seriously.

  6. danandkitty
    Posted January 26, 2007 at 11:50 pm | Permalink

    Why must we humans capture these animals of the deep and then act surprised when they wind up “dead just a short while later.”? The same thing happened when those damn japanese fishermen caught the first giant squid recently. It too died after being captured “unfortunately”. Can’t we just leave the damn things alone?
    Sorry for the rant, but that shit really bothers me.

  7. It's Skinner Again
    Posted January 27, 2007 at 2:37 am | Permalink

    I believe both the squid and the shark surfaced because they were dying, and that’s why they were caught. They usually live at great depths, and we do leave them alone.

  8. mark
    Posted January 27, 2007 at 11:18 am | Permalink

    Don’t they also surface in order to pull down ships and eat their crews?

  9. It's Skinner Again
    Posted January 27, 2007 at 2:22 pm | Permalink

    I don’t think so; they’re pretty picky eaters.

  10. danandkitty
    Posted January 29, 2007 at 12:32 am | Permalink

    ok… maybe, I’ll buy that. Thanks Mr. SKinner.

  11. mike
    Posted April 15, 2008 at 10:04 pm | Permalink

    fuck that shark

  12. mark
    Posted April 15, 2008 at 10:24 pm | Permalink

    Well said, Mike.

  13. Stan Swan
    Posted April 16, 2008 at 9:51 am | Permalink

    If only there were a way.

    I would love to fuck that shark.

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