something or someone has been shitting on my roof

Linette recently shuffled around a few things in our house so that they were better in alignment with the principles of Feng Shui, and she’s convinced that doing so has brought good things our way these past few weeks. She might well be right. It does seem as though her business has really picked up since relocating her office, for instance, but it’s hard for me to see beyond the enormous piles of shit that dot the landscape of our roof. (And, no, I don’t hold Feng Shui responsible for the shit on my roof. I just thought that it was worth pointing out, before launching into a long rant about this new plague being visited upon us, that things are otherwise going really well.)

First, for those of you who are new to the site, I should tell you that odd things like this have happened before. About a year ago now, we had a mysterious animal get electrocuted on the power lines behind our house. It was never definitively identified, but our friends in cryptozoological circles seem to think that it was either a Red Sloth Bear or a Nain Rouge. I don’t know that the current piles of shit are in any way related, but I suppose it’s possible.

Personally, I think that something very large is living in our attic. I can’t think of another reason for a creature to shit on my roof. It must, I’m thinking, come out to shit, not wanting to do so where it lives. And, if it lived anywhere other than in my attic I can’t image that it would climb all the way up there just to void its bowels. (And, if the shit was falling from the sky, I imagine that it would splatter more. As it is, the piles are quite tall. They’re also fairly well clustered together, which I imagine would be difficult to accomplish by shitting out the window of an airplane or some such thing.)

Judging from the size and composition of the samples left behind, I’d say that the creature is approximately forty pounds. (Its droppings are about 2/3 the size of those left by my dog, and she’s sixty pounds. I realize that the size of an animal’s shit may not correspond directly to its size, but I think I’m probably pretty close.)

So, at this very moment, I think I’ve got at least one 40-pound thing living in here with me. That’s ten pounds bigger than my daughter, and that really scares me. I can’t see how it’s getting in and out, but there must be a hole somewhere. So, tomorrow I start interviewing home invasion specialists. (My hope is that it’s not paranormal.) If you have any recommendations, let me know. And please remember us in your prayers.

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18 Comments

  1. ol' e cross
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 8:00 am | Permalink

    It’s a pterodactyl. By the size of the stool, a young one, probably a teen with plenty of petals on the stem.

  2. ol' e cross
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 8:00 am | Permalink

    It’s a pterodactyl. By the size of the stool, a young one, probably a teen with plenty of petals on the stem.

  3. UBU
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 11:15 am | Permalink

    Sorry, man — I was in the neighborhood and didn’t think you’d mind…but could you leave a roll of toilet paper up there for the next time?

  4. UBU
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 11:16 am | Permalink

    P.S. Linette told me to hide up there when you came home early…

  5. Ted Glass
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 11:54 am | Permalink

    My guess is that it’s not the pterodactyls that are shitting, but an attractive, well-coordinated blonde woman. Yes, I believe, having seen documentary footage, that said blonde has had the shit in question “fucked out of her.”

  6. doulicia
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 2:44 pm | Permalink

    Gotta be raccoon.

    That or James “Fuck You” Kunstler.

  7. Dr Cherry
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 3:09 pm | Permalink

    I’m thinking raccoon too. According to trappers, their poo averages 2.25 inches per turd which is consistant with the photo. Also raccoons use the same area over and over, they’re known as “latrines”.

    http://www.nationaltrappers.com/raccoon.html

    I have some personal experience with racoons and I’ve seen them on roofs a number of times.

    They’re tough animals but can sometimes be caught in a live trap with peanut butter or cheese-flavored tortilla chips. (put them by your trash).

    They keep predictable schedules, so if they feed and then walk up the roof, it will probably be around the same time every day.

    Personally, I’d just put some bait outside that window and sit there with a shotgun and a cigar. You’d think a 22cal would do the trick but I shot one next door to my grandmother’s house and it just gave me a dirty look and ran away.

  8. Dr Cherry
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 3:10 pm | Permalink

    Oh, and you can find the spot where the animals are getting into your roof and fix it while they’re out. If it’s coons, this will be in the evening or at night.

  9. UBU
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 3:31 pm | Permalink

    no shit

  10. ol' e cross
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 3:56 pm | Permalink

    Couple more tips on live trapping:

    -If you put it out at night, don’t put it on the directly on the ground or you’ll catch a skunk.

    -Try not to bait it with something that will attract squirrels or birds. For pterodactyls, I recommend a heavily perfumed Barbie doll.

  11. ol' e cross
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 3:56 pm | Permalink

    Couple more tips on live trapping:

    -If you put it out at night, don’t put it on the directly on the ground or you’ll catch a skunk.

    -Try not to bait it with something that will attract squirrels or birds. For pterodactyls, I recommend a heavily perfumed Barbie doll.

  12. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 4:02 pm | Permalink

    Whatever you catch, be sure to shave its balls.

  13. It's Skinner Again
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 4:11 pm | Permalink

    I suspect Mark is doing this himself, in a sad bid for attention. Or as an excuse to stock up on cheese-flavored tortilla chips.

  14. It's Skinner Again
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 4:11 pm | Permalink

    I suspect Mark is doing this himself, in a sad bid for attention. Or as an excuse to stock up on cheese-flavored tortilla chips.

  15. mark
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 10:04 pm | Permalink

    When I posted this, it didn’t occur to me that it would provide yet another opportunity for people to point out that I am both cuckhold and fat.

    And, I absolutely love the idea of having someone at the Shadow Art Fair shaving varmint balls!

    I just got out of a Shadow Art Fair planning committee meeting in which we were discussing the possibility of having someone there the day of the event to “put down” pets. (We’re also going to have a face painting booth where we just draw Hitler mustaches on children.) Varmint ball shaving wouold fit right in.

  16. mark
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 10:05 pm | Permalink

    And a serious “thank you” to all of you who either here, or by way of email, sent advice as to how we should deal with our intruder.

  17. UBU
    Posted October 20, 2006 at 10:41 am | Permalink

    Mark, you’re not fat! And you can’t spell “cuckold.” Do I get a serious thank you for that?

  18. mark
    Posted October 21, 2006 at 11:08 am | Permalink

    OK, I just wrote Jim “Fuck You” Kunstler and asked:

    “Have you been shitting on my roof?”

    I’ll let you know if he responds.

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