Mark Maynard | 2004 | February

growing new organs

By Mark | February 22, 2004

A majority of this weekend was spent doing taxes and shopping for a new couch. I dont think Ive had a single thought that wasnt related to one of those two endeavors in the past 48 hours. As thats the case, this is going to be a very short post. Im going upstairs now to read the paper.

Oh, I do have one thing to share though, something one of Linettes friends mentioned to her a few days ago. Apparently this woman, Linettes friend, has a sister-in-law who wouldnt allow the doctor to cut the umbilical cord when her baby was born. She took the baby and the placenta, connected, home from the hospital. She said that it was the “natural” way.

(I wonder if the hospital made her buckle both the baby and the placenta into their own car seats before allowing them to leave.)

So, the two things stayed connected until the umbilical cord between them rotted away. I think Linette said that it took over a week. Up until that point, the mother would carry the baby around in her arms while the father would follow right along behind with the placenta, sloshing around in a plastic shopping bag.

Im guessing they didnt leave the house much, but I wonder how people on the street would react to the site of two people carrying bundles connected by a few feet of rotting umbilical cord (Does someone out there have a contact at Candid Camera?)

To my knowledge, my friend Jeff over at The West Virginia Surf Report hasnt ever mentioned this practice, but it sounds like something that his sister-in-law, Nancy, might have done. If theres anything else further to the bat-shit crazy side of the parenting continuum, Im not aware of it. Ive heard of people saving placentas and planting them. Ive even heard of people grinding up and cooking placentas, and then serving them to guests on crackers. But somehow the idea of keeping your beautiful new baby tethered to a grey slab of un-refrigerated, rotting flesh strikes me as worse.

On that note, I need to go up to read.

I hope you all had nice weekends.

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big news

By Mark | February 20, 2004

Ive got something to announce. I wanted to do it in a more grand kind of way, but Im afraid that if I put it off any longer it wont happen, so Im just going to do it.

As of 9:57 this evening, Collin Burton, Chelsea Lowe and David Smallwood have been promoted to the level of Senior Associate here at MM.com.

While MM.com has almost a half dozen dedicated readers now, a good number of whom are quite articulate and accomplished, Collin, Chelsea and David have distinguished themselves from the others by consistently going above and beyond whats been asked of them. Each of them has not only become a fixture on this site, with their contributions of anecdotes, photos and drawings, but successfully made the jump from the cyber word to the real flesh and blood world in the pages of Crimewave USA. Now, like tiny pinworms, they are burrowing their way deep into this flabby, slowly beating heart of mine.

This website is better for their involvement and I am a better man for knowing them.

So, in conclusion, let me say this. John Kerry can have his band of brothers. Id prefer the company of this ragtag bunch.

Congratulations on the promotions.

Actually, Im not really sure yet what this designation of Senior Associate means. I was just sitting here the other day and I realized that these three individuals had crossed over from the web to my real life. By that I mean that each of them now has his or her own dedicated file in my big, silver filing cabinet. I have exchanged real letters and cards with each of them. Each of them has contributed to the magazine. (Mr. Smallwood even sent a photo of he and his wife-to-be stuffed into some kind of garbage chute.)

Perhaps emboldened by the hundreds of gay and lesbian couples coming forward to file for marriage licenses, I just thought that now was a good time to publicly declare by love, respect and admiration.

And tomorrow I will announce the three people who had their files taken away to make room for Collin, David and Chelsea.

Actually, that last part was just a joke. No one was demoted. All of my old friends, from the pre-MM.com days, still have their files intact (although, some have been cleansed).

In all seriousness though, I would really like to thank Chelsea, David and Collin. Theyve each been reading this site for a long time and theyve each contributed a hell of a lot toward making it better, whether it be though their letters, their drawings, their photos or the bits of interesting news that they pass along And I do think its really cool that each of them has now been sucked into the world of Crimewave USA.

I ate too many peanuts tonight while watching my reality TV marathon and I think that they gave me a headache. I need to go to bed now I just hope that I dont have nightmares about the green underpants man and Richard Perle. (I wonder if they could be one in the same.)

If you can believe this, heres a clip from an article in todays paper about Ricahrd Perle.

Richard Perle, a chief proponent of last year’s U.S. invasion of Iraq, yesterday called for the chiefs of the Central Intelligence Agency and the U.S. Defence Intelligence Agency to step down because of their faulty conclusions that Saddam Hussein possessed mass-killing weapons.

We are clearly through the looking glass. Do you believe that shit? He berates American intelligence officials in the run-up to the war for being too conservative in their estimates of Iraqi chemical and biological weapons, and now that the wars over hes suggesting that we blame those same people for being too aggressive. Does this country no longer have a long-term memory?

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By Mark | February 19, 2004

hypocrites in high places
Much like Al Sharpton, I think that Larry Flynt is good for democracy. It’s good to have someone in the mix who isn’t afraid to mix things up, someone who either doesn’t have anything to lose, or is too rich to care… When the Republicans went after Clinton for his affair with Monica Lewinsky, Flynt rolled his gold-plated wheelchair into the fray and offered a sizeable reward for anyone who could prove an illicit affair with a conservative member of the Congress. It worked and hypocrites were exposed. Well, now hes apparently putting his considerable resources to work in an effort to prove an old rumor about the young George Bush having demanded and paid for a girlfriends abortion. I know its scummy, and I hesitate to support such behavior, but I think this story, if true, illustrates the fact that those with resources will always have access to abortions. Conservatives can pass all the laws they want making it more difficult for those who are economically disadvantaged to have an abortion, but those laws sure as hell arent going to stop the sons and daughters of privilege. Just like the draft didnt necessarily send the sons of rich parents off to war in Vietnam, you can bet that no anti-abortion law is keep the daughters of the wealthy from their right to choose. Heres a clip from the article:

Now the incorrigible Larry Flynt says he plans to market a Bush abortion story as genuine – in a book to be published this summer by Kensington Press.

“This story has got to come out,” the wheelchair-bound Hustler magazine honcho told the Daily News’ Corky Siemaszko . “There’s a lot of hypocrisy in the White House about this whole abortion issue.”

Flynt claimed that Bush arranged for the procedure in the early ’70s.

“I’ve talked to the woman’s friends,” Flynt said. “I’ve tracked down the doctor who did the abortion, I tracked down the Bush people who arranged for the abortion,” Flynt said. “I got the story nailed.”

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little fish, little pond

By Mark | February 18, 2004

Local Ypsilanti cheerleader and shit-stirrer-upper, Steve Cherry, recently posted a Coolest of Ypsilanti poll on his site, The Seat of Revolution. Its a great idea, and I applaud Steves efforts, but I have a few qualms with it. For instance, hes included hero of the Greek Civil War, Demetrios Ypsilanti, in the Coolest Famous Ypsilantian category, even though, as far as I know, hed never stepped foot on North American, let alone the little town of Ypsilanti. (I think he would have been better suited for the Coolest Honorary Ypsilantian category.) Even more ridiculously, Mr. Cherry has included yours truly in the running for Coolest Famous Ypsilantian, right there next to Iggy Pop, Phyllis Diller and famous African-American inventor, Elijah McCoy. Its totally fucked up animation pioneer Windsor McKay didnt make the cut, but apparently I did.

Fortunately, Im losing I think maybe Steve did this to teach me some kind of lesson about hubris. Maybe he thought that I was getting a little too big for my britches and he decided to take me down a peg or two by showing mw that even the old and frail Phyllis Diller could kick my ass up and down Michigan Avenue.

Here are the latest numbers. I just got them off of the CNN site:

Oh, if you dont recognize the name John Norman Collins, hes a famous serial killer who used to live down the street. For what its worth, I dont think that he should be in the running either I think having killed several of your fellow Ypsilantians should probably disqualify a person.

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the reading

By Mark | February 17, 2004

We just got back from the reading at Eastern Michigan University. It went well Our friend Steve read with us. Hes here right now, sitting next to me on our blue naugahyde couch. He and I have both been drinking Mexican beer. Were watching Fear Factor now. Im going to see if Steve will write tonights post. I dont feel much like writing tonight. Heres Steve:

Im at Mark and Linettes house. Mark is making me watch Fear Factor. His dog is scratching at my leg, now tearing apart the carpet or just gnawing on something. We both agree that the chicks on Fear Factor are foxes. Im looking forward to watching theses foxes eat bugs. Im Super pumped. And Im looking forward to the explosion of tube top girl with the chemical breasts.

Mark and Linette are amazing hosts. Although Mark seemed a little miffed that I made it to the bathroom before he did.

Truth being I was nervous all day long because I was plumbing and Im not a plumber. The reading was good although none of us spoke when it was over to tell our audience we had zines to sell. Still, I sold one. Thats two more bucks to claim on my 1040.

Its been a long day. Im passing the computer back to Mark.

Uei wiska a wki ksiwjn aiwj ainw ,

Translation: It has been a prive-e-ledge and a horror to blob on Marks blob site.

Thanks, Steve. Now Im going to see if Linette has something to add. Here she is:

Hi. Its Linette now- I just took a picture of Mark and Steve on the couch. I just drank a delicious, small glass of beer. I am sitting on the couch that smells like dog. We are watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Mark wants me to write about the zine event today.

Thats where she stopped I guess no one wants to write about our big night.