these pipes are clean

Linette told me last night that that shed be out of the house tonight, so I started planning. I Tivod an all women episode of Fear Factor last night (a reader by the name of Terry in Texas tells me theyre the best ones) and one of my favorite far-out conspiracy movies, Three Days of the Condor. Then, on the way home from work, I stopped to buy a Hungry Man potpie (something Id told myself Id given up) and all the stuff Id need to make a banana split.

My plan was to get home, toss the potpie in the oven and let it cook while watching COPS. Then, I was going to eat it during Fear Factor. After that, the plan was to move on to 24 and a banana split. Then, the plan was to fall asleep during Three Day of the Condor.

A friend told me once about meeting a guy at a gay bar, going to the guys home, and, once there, learning that the guys wife was out of town on business or something. I might be remembering this all wrong, but I think the story also involved a secret panel in the attic where the guy kept a crack pipe and his gay porn collection Tonight, I felt kind of like that guy. The only difference is that the moment my wife leaves town I dont go sprinting out the door looking for man-sex and crack. I go sneaking out for a 2,000-calorie potpie and back-to-back episodes of COPS.

For all of you who didnt know this already, Im pathetic.

Well, as is usually the case, things didnt quite go according to plan. First off, when I came whistling into the house with my bag of fat-filled foods, I found that Linette hadnt left yet. So, there was no hiding the potpie. (My plan was to burry the evidence in the trash.) Whats worse, I found that Tivo had already erased Fear Factor and Three Days of the Condor to make room for three episodes of Columbo that Id already seen twenty times each. (Yes, I learned that I cant have my cake and eat it too. I programmed Tivo to record every episode of Columbo that it came across and, as a result, it bumped what Id really wanted. My hubris was my undoing.)

24 is over now and Ive got a headache. I think its all the salt in the Hungry Man potpie. My mouth is all puckered up inside too Linettes home now. Shes in her office, working. I think Im going to head up to bed and read.

Oh, youll be happy to know that our homes a bit warmer these days. We got that new furnace and so far its been working like a charm. Yesterday we went the extra mile and shelled out $350 to have a company come out and suck one hundred years of skin flakes and dandruff out of our ductwork. The house feels a bit cleaner now Linette says that having our ducts blown out was like giving our house a colonic. I find that imagery a bit upsetting.

Heres a photo that Linette snapped out our kitchen window of the truck that was blowing our house. I cant make heads or tails out of whats going on in this shot. Linette thinks it looks like a partially inflated moonwalk. What do you think?

It looks to me like a truck full of monster scrotums… or is that scroti?

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2 Comments

  1. dragon
    Posted March 21, 2011 at 10:30 pm | Permalink

    You ask what happens if one of the pipes should break. The agent offers to add two, redundant, high capacity pumps, with separate power and control systems. These, he claims, will provide sufficient volume to keep that tea pot full in the event of any single pipe shear. They will be supplied from a 100 gallon tank that he will install in the yard.

  2. Edward
    Posted March 22, 2011 at 8:22 am | Permalink

    Man, Mark’s life before Clementine sounds AWESOME!

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