bone cheek

“I knew something must have gone horribly wrong when Bone Cheek didn’t return to camp that night.”

Mr. Smallwood just sent me this photo. Apparently a body was found close to where he lives, a body with an unusually large cheek bone. Heres Davids note to us:

My girlfriend and I were walking along the Potomac river yesterday looking at all the styrofoam, plastic bottles and driftwood that was left like a dirty bathtub ring when the flood waters receded a few days ago. Roosevelt Island was closed due to flooding, but the Natl Park Service, who administers the area, had posted a flyer near the bridge leading to it. From a distance, it looked like one of those wanted posters or one of those warnings the cops put out warning joggers about a rapist or something. However, when we approached and read the sign, heres what it said:


On Thursday, January 16, 2003, the United States Park Police recovered skeletal remains under the inbound span of the Theodore Roosevelt Bridge (US Route 50), in Arlington County.

The remains were identified as:

An adult male (in the mid-30s)

Between 57 and 58 in height

The skull had a large bone growing out of the left jaw. This would have given the person the appearance of a swollen left cheek. The bone growth would have made it difficult to eat, or even to talk. Criminal Investigations Branch are seeking to identify the body. If you have any information, please contact the Park Police at 202-619-7300 or the Tip-Line 202-619-8737.

Ive attached the picture I took of the poster. Sorry to say I dont recognize the guy, but I couldnt stop thinking about that bone growing out of his left jaw. I wonder if it hurt. I wonder if he got teased about it as a kid, or if it was a recent thing. I keep sticking my tongue into my cheek to figure out what I would look like if I had a bone growing out of my jaw.

My first thought was, What would a poster about my remains say? I know theyd mention the fact that the top of my head comes to a sharp ridge, like on the top of a firemans helmet. Theyd probably mention my ass too, unless it had all rotted away by that point. I think that my bones would rot sooner than my ass though. My ass, I think, is probably like nuclear waste. I think itll still be here long after were all gone.

Let’s all take a moment to consider our corpses, shall we?

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