while i was out

I’m sorry if I scared anyone, but I took a few days off to hang out with a friend of mine who was visiting from out of town. He was staying at a Comfort Inn a few towns away. Here’s just one letter I’ve received from a worried reader:

Due to the fact that I am obsessive, I have noticed that you haven’t blogged in several days. The terrifying scenarios have begun to play in my mind… Could it be that the Liberty Street Pervert has tracked you down and sought his revenge against a cruel society that doesn’t allow public masterbation by tying you to a chair and making you watch porno for 3 days straight? Perhaps the ugly baby was really a demon sent from Hell to destroy those opposed to Total Infomation Awareness. I’d really like to believe that you are at home enjoying a Columbo marathon while eating loads of fatty foods, but I have trouble believing that the answer is so simple. Your fans miss you, and are pulling for you during your absence.

On a different note, while at work at the Chelsea Comfort Inn tonight, I was priveledged enough to walk in on 2 men having sex in our hot tub. The interesting part of this story, is that when they saw me, they didn’t stop, they sorta winked. Years of counseling won’t undo this trauma; now the image can be in your head.

Actually, I wasn’t at the Comfort Inn. I was at Lake Michigan, spending time with my sister and my parents. There were no hot tubs. There was no sex. Just lots Scrabble and the occasional beer. I’ll tell you more about it later on today. Sorry again for leaving with no notice. I just didn’t want for anyone to rob my house while I was gone. I, like all of my relatives (I’ve mentioned this before), am paranoid about burglers…. And, if you’re interested, I’m not leaving the house right now to go get a burger with Linette. I’m going outside to practice throwing frying pans and speed-dialing the police.

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