Home alone with Macaulay Culkin, trading heroin for cheese

Macaulay-Culkin-heroinIf you’re a young American celebrity rumored to have a serious heroin addiction, it may not be the best idea in the world to start a Velvet Underground cover band. That, however, is apparently what actor Macaulay Culkin has done. Gathering together a number of musicians from the New York anti-folk scene, the actor has formed a band to cover influential Velvet Underground songs like Heroin, I’m Waiting for the Man, and Venus in Furs. Earlier this morning, the band released the following video.

And, yeah, I should have mentioned it earlier, but Culkin and company, who refer to themselves as the Pizza Underground, have rewritten all of the Velvet Underground songs to be, not about sadism and drugs, but about pizza. (My favorites are Papa John Says and I’m Waiting for Delivery Man.)

Pizza-Underground-AnchovyIt may just be ironic hipsterism as play, but I’d like to think that scrubbing clean the lyrics of the Velvet Underground, replacing all references to drugs with references to pizza, was a conscious move on the part of Culkin, who, as I mentioned above, has been the subject of a great deal of speculation since having his heart broken by long-time girlfriend Mila Kunis a few years ago. (The National Enquirer, as you may recall, gave him just six months to live in 2012.) Not knowing all the facts, I hesitate to use the word brilliant, but I’m cautiously optimistic, waiting to see how things develop… Personally, I think it would be awesome if he’d now reemerge from seclusion weighing in at a healthy 350 pounds, and announcing the purchase of a pizzeria in Queens. That, I think, would qualify as brilliant.

[Accompanying Culkin on the tracks above are Phoebe Kreutz (glockenspiel/vocals), Deenah Vollmer (pizza box/vocals), and Austin Kilham (tambourine/vocals). Culkin, for the most part, plays kazoo.]

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  1. Eel
    Posted December 10, 2013 at 9:22 am | Permalink

    Speaking of the intersection of heroin and cheese.

    “Cheese is very wrong.” -Keith Richards

    (source: http://terryorisms.com/2008/03/30/keith-richards-interview/)

  2. Meta
    Posted December 10, 2013 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    There is a connection between heroin and pizza.

    The Pizza Connection trial of 1985:

    The trial centered around a Mafia-run enterprise that distributed vast quantities of heroin and cocaine in the United States, and then laundered the cash before sending it back to the suppliers in Sicily. The U.S. defendants utilized a number of independently owned pizza parlors as fronts for narcotics sales and collections – hence the name “Pizza Connection”. Evidence at the trial proved that the enterprise shipped no less than $1.6 billion of heroin to the U.S. between 1975 and April 1984. Arrests of scores of conspirators were coordinated in the U.S., Italy, Switzerland and Spain on April 9, 1984, following the capture of Gaetano Badalamenti and several family members the previous day in Madrid, Spain. Badalamenti was the former boss of the Sicilian La Cosa Nostra, and a key supplier of heroin and cocaine to the U.S. Mafia distributors.

    Read more:

  3. 734
    Posted December 10, 2013 at 12:51 pm | Permalink

    He’s always loved pizza.


  4. AM
    Posted December 10, 2013 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

    As a lover of pizza (see below), Lou would be honored. Thank you Mr. Culkin for your thoughtful tribute.


  5. Posted December 10, 2013 at 6:12 pm | Permalink

    While reading Buzzfeed (yeah, I know) or one of those, I saw a little ad that said our boy has given up heroin but now smokes 60 cigarettes a day. I was like, “Damn!” If he’s awake 16 hours a day, that’s a cigarette every 15 minutes or so. That’s dedication you just don’t often find these days.

  6. Existence
    Posted December 10, 2013 at 6:16 pm | Permalink

    Cheese and crust fills the void.

  7. AM
    Posted December 16, 2013 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    The other shoe has dropped, my friend.


  8. helga arminak
    Posted October 2, 2014 at 7:06 pm | Permalink

    I am a doctor of medicine and I strongly urge people not to shoot up cheese. It can be deadly.

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