A former housemate of mine in Ann Arbor now lives in Portland. I try to get him to move back to Michigan on occasion, but it’s hard to compete with a city like Portland. Case in point… when I went out to there to visit him a few years ago, he took me to a taco place that you had to enter through a seedy strip club. Actually, you didn’t have to enter though the strip joint, but Dave wanted to show me that there was a secret door connecting the two. He knew I liked stuff like that. Anyway, he’s been there for about seven years now, and, every once in a while, when something really cool is going on in Portland, he’ll mention it to me in hopes that it’ll make me jealous and expose me as the slack-jawed, straw-chewing Ypsilanti hick that I am. A few days ago, he mentioned that he was going to a DIY porn festival called Hump, and, when I asked for details, he responded with the following article. Enjoy.

hump2Hello intrepid readers. I’m a friend of Mark’s currently living in Portland, Oregon. Mark asked me to guest post in the hopes of eventually seeing the better-looking of you naked.

On Saturday night my wife and I attended “HUMP!” – an adult film festival that runs in Portland and Seattle. What makes HUMP! interesting is that the jury-selected short films must contain specific props and/or local landmarks that change yearly, all submissions are kept under lock and key and destroyed after the showings, and the audience votes for winners in the following categories: humor, sex, kink, and best all-around. It’s basically a chance for people who are dying to make porn, but don’t because they might want to run for office some day, to realize both dreams. For the rest of us, it’s an opportunity to see your neighbors get it on on the big screen. If you think that means seeing people that you decidedly do not want to see naked, don’t worry. Although the spirit of the event is all-inclusive and sex-positive, at this point, in it’s second or third year, the submissions still pretty much contain the young and beautiful.

Before the show, the MC reminded us to keep criticisms to ourselves lest we be sitting next to the actor whose genitals are currently filling up the screen, and that any recording devices even suspected of being used, would be smashed into tiny bits on the spot. He also noted that as opposed to last year, this year’s films contained no “ass hooks.”

The stand-out for me was a series of 18 paintings shown in sequence with music and a little Ken Burns effect applied. It depicted an R. Crumb-like giantess neutering and crucifying a tiny scared man hanging him chained between her nipples. Normally, watching a guy get his dick snapped off wouldn’t do much for me, but this was art.

Next on my ballot was film starring a nun. I know the naughty nun angle might seem tired, but the bible verses she spouted were hilarious. The high point was the close-up of the insertion of a crucifix into her lover’s penis which had the entire theater squirming and squealing with sacrilegious delight.

My third favorite was a gay film ostensibly created for the It Gets Better project. The joke here was that after sharing his personal stories of discrimination, the protagonist declares “It gets better. A LOT better!” as the camera pans down to his boyfriend giving him a blow job. The two guys romp around on the couch having playful, fun sex with intermittent dialog like “yeah, yeah, YEAH, BETTER, BETTER, MUCH MUCH BETTER!” This one had the audience cheering on the actors as if every thrust and grunt were a victory over homophobia.

There were many more great entries, but those were the ones that I voted for. None of the films was particularly titillating to me. I guess dom/sub lesbians, masturbating clowns, and various pizza boy scenarios just aren’t my thing. The most turned on I got was when my wife declared that “we could totally make one sexier than all of those” on our way out the exit. Oh really now!? I had a great time at the event, though. I’m all for gays and straights and kinksters of all stripes getting together and experiencing art celebrating sex. It deserves it.

So that’s what we’re up to in the Northwest. Your move Ypsilanti. If you copied the idea but made it bicycle-powered (with naked bicyclists), you could out-Portland Portland! And don’t worry, I’ve seen Mark naked. I think. On second thought, maybe I haven’t. I lived with the guy for several years in college and never saw him naked? OK. I guess every film needs a camera man.

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  1. Posted November 15, 2010 at 10:04 pm | Permalink

    Well, if the porn film only stars commenters on this blog, I guess Oliva and I are in for it….oh wait, Lorie Thom is female too, right? We’re still outnumbered, girls!

  2. Tim
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 10:14 pm | Permalink

    I couldn’t possibly be more straight than I am, but I would absolutely LOVE to see some hardcore porn featuring EOS and that Shirvell character. If someone could make that happen, I’d be willing to pay.

  3. Dan DuChene
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 12:47 am | Permalink

    Does this help us in the cool, weird events category?

  4. DCET
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 1:32 am | Permalink

    The best part of this post are the tags Mark gave it.

  5. Posted November 16, 2010 at 7:39 am | Permalink

    What a brilliant idea. An Ypsi version would frighten me, however. Even more than a Portland version does.

  6. Kristin
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 9:21 am | Permalink

    I thought Mark was an avowed nevernude.

  7. Rex
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 11:12 am | Permalink

    This makes me want to move to portland.

  8. Posted November 16, 2010 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

    How about a counter-festival, DUMP, for those who want to share other private moments?

  9. Edward
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 12:25 pm | Permalink

    We can project them on the water tower!

  10. EL
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 1:00 pm | Permalink

    Mark, your comments section needs a “Like” feature so that I can tell Doug how much I enjoyed his counter-festival comment. Oh, wait, I just did. Although he probably never reads the comments.

  11. Patrick Bateman
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

    It makes me think Portland is filled with uptight career obsessed professionals who are bored, empty and blushing for a little excitement by giggling at sex like a junior higher sending a cell phone picture of his boner to classmates. It still treats sex like a naughty little taboo. Portland can admit liking porn if it’s arty? Why the hell do they need to ruin porn by making it into an art project?

    I’ll take my sex without the pretense. I’ll take my city the same way.

  12. Steve Swan
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 3:14 pm | Permalink

    If there are really ladies out there who like the idea of appearing in films like these, I will be auditioning female talent at the Hot Spot in Inkster tonight at 11:00 PM. I will be in the far back booth, working on scripts.

  13. Christine M.
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 1:09 pm | Permalink

    somehow my comment got lost so I’m tryin’ again. What the hell is an ASS Hook???

    It sounds very painful.

    damn my original comment was much funnier.

  14. Christine M.
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

    Steve Swan reminds me of the time years ago (ok in the 80’s) when my friends dared me to go into the video store and rent a porno, which I did, and while in there he came up to them waiting in the car and invited them over for a “party.” They still bring it up. It was pretty nasty, he’s nasty like that dirty old man was.

    eewwww “hey you ladeesss interested in a party???”

  15. Robert
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 3:05 pm | Permalink

    People in Portland aren’t too bright I take it.

  16. Kim
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

    Christine, your “Ass Hook” comment did survive. You posted it in another thread by mistake. It showed up in the thread about the mortgage deduction, where it was responsible for a lot of laughter.

  17. Posted November 17, 2010 at 6:42 pm | Permalink

    oh that makes me happy. I think it was some sort of virtual fart because I didn’t read the mortgage post. lol

  18. Posted November 17, 2010 at 8:41 pm | Permalink

    If any of you need another reason to hate Portland, or maybe another reason to move there, the new issue of Time has an article on the cool food scene there.

  19. Posted November 17, 2010 at 8:43 pm | Permalink

    And I like how serious you are about your porn, Patrick.

  20. Robert
    Posted November 19, 2010 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

    Has anybody else noticed how asymmetrical swingers always are?

  21. Edward
    Posted November 19, 2010 at 5:43 pm | Permalink

    Asymmetrical in what sense, Robert? I think everyone’s left testicle hangs lower, if that’s what you’re talking about.

2 Trackbacks

  1. By The Ypsi Film Shootout on August 30, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    […] […]

  2. By Keeping the nude cyclists of Portland safe on June 10, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    […] the last time we heard from Dave Miller, our beloved Portland correspondent, he was watching homemade porn movies at an event called Hump. Well, he’s back today, after a much needed rest, reporting on his […]

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