I’m still busy getting ready for the art fair (I’ve gotten quite a bit more proficient at painting with my feet), but I thought that you probably needed to see this footage of an enraged Michael Moore completely eviscerating a stunned (and deserving) Wolf Blitzer on CNN. I’m thinking that it could one day save your life.
The important thing to remember, if you’re ever approached by an angry Michael Moore, is that there’s probalby someone else nearby who is weaker. If poor old Wolf had thought faster, he could have grabbed someone, maybe a producer, and thrown him down in Moore’s path, perhaps by yelling, “I wanted to, but he told me not to question the administration’s claims about weapons of mass destruction.”
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Wolf didn’t really try to defend himself. It was strange to watch. My impression is that he knew Moore was right – that he, as a journalist, hadn’t done his job when we were going to war. There was some amount of shame.
Some news man Wolf is. He reminded me of a substitute teacher I had back in my 12th grade history class, except Wolf wasn’t anywhere near as responsive. Everything is so scripted these days, none of these image-jockeys have the capacity to deal with it when a ‘guest’ actually has something to say. I guarantee more thought goes into how his beard looks on camera than anything else.
Wolf is one of television news’ rare attempts at trying to make one of their spokesmodel script-readers look like a professor.
Maybe Wolf was just following the instructions they give in those wilderness guides that tell you how you should react when you encounter a bear…
“If you do encounter a Michael Moore…
If he is close to you, back away slowly. Never run.
Stay calm and move deliberately. This will help calm Michael and let him know you are not a threat. Be careful not to position yourself between Michael and the concession table.
If you are in a group, bunch up, or join other TV hosts nearby.
If you are carrying pepper spray, get it ready, just in case.
Speak to Michael in a normal tone of voice. This helps to identify you as human and satisfy his curiosity.
Leave the set or take a commercial break. If this is impossible, wait until Michael moves away or just stops talking. Always leave Michael an escape route.”
(text taken from the Parks Canada ‘Safety in MEDIA-BEAR COUNTRY’ guide – full text below)
Safety in MEDIA-BEAR COUNTRY
© Parks Canada
If you are in the mountain parks, you are in bear country. Grizzly and black bears live here. If you are the host of a daily info-tainment news program, you are in media-bear country. This is where scruffy independent media-bears are often sighted. The largest species is the Michael Moore media-bear.
What if you’re heading out on the set to do a live broadcast? Should you be worried about media-bears? Respectful, yes. Worried, no. Getting hurt by a media-bear in the studio is quite rare. But to feel confident in media-bear country, you do need to know what do do. Here is our latest media-bear-safety advice.
The best thing to do is AVOID a media-bear encounter in the first place.
Here’s how…
– Don’t book ’em. However, if you notice one has been booked and it’s too late to cancel, remain calm. Remember, it’s safer to travel in a group. Groups of two or more anchors are unlikely to be attacked. However, this is no guarantee. A recent highly-publicized incident involving John Stewart has shown us that even two hosts may be attacked at once. And in this circumstance even a seemingly friendly and well groomed species turned aggressive.
– Make dumb noises. This lets the media-bears know your show is probably too stupid and biased to bother with, and gives them time to move away. Shout loudly every few seconds. Media-bears hear only about as well as we do. A little media-bear-bell jingling on your pack is not loud enough.
– Carry media-bear spray and know how to use it.
Watch for fresh media-bear sign: recently released documentaries, Michigan State or Detroit Tiger baseball caps, empty Dunkin Donut boxes.
– Keep your producer on a leash at all times. (this is the law).
– Never approach a media-bear, to ask him to be on your show, or for any other reason. Stay at least 100 metres away.
– Use extra caution during sweeps weeks. Young and inexperienced producers may make the mistake of doing things which attract media-bears.
If you do encounter a Michael Moore…
-If he is close to you, back away slowly. Never run.
-Stay calm and move deliberately. This will help calm Michael and let him know you are not a threat. Be careful not to position yourself between Michael and the concession table.
– If you are in a group, bunch up, or join other TV hosts nearby.
– If you are carrying pepper spray, get it ready, just in case.
– Speak to Michael in a normal tone of voice. This helps to identify you as human and satisfy his curiosity.
– Leave the set or take a commercial break. If this is impossible, wait until Michael moves away or just stops talking. Always leave Michael an escape route.
To survive, Michael Moore needs plenty of space and few human surprises.
Michael Moore attacks
BOTTOM LINE
It’s rare for Michael Moore to strike a TV host with his claws or to bite a human. Nearly all aggressive-looking encounters end without injury.
However, if Michael Moore does attack, follow these guidelines.
There are two kinds of attacks.
What you do depends on which kind, as indicated by Michael Moore’s behaviour:
First kind of attack: Michael Moore behaviour is defensive.
You surprise Michael Moore. He may be researching, feeding, protecting his material, or just unaware of your presence. He sees you as an immediate threat and feels that he must fight. This is the most common attack situation.
– If you have pepper spray, use it (according to the manufacturer’s instructions).
– If Michael Moore makes contact with you, play dead! Showing submission will probably end the attack.
– Lie on your stomach with your legs apart, so Michael Moore cannot easily flip you over to see if you’re laughing.
– Cover the back of your head and your neck with your hands.
– Keep your pack on to protect your back.
Defensive attacks seldom last more than two minutes. If the attack continues, it may have shifted from defensive to predatory. In this case, fight back!
Second kind of attack: Michael Moore behaviour is predatory.
Michael Moore stalks you along a trail and then attacks, or Michael Moore attacks you on the set or in a restaurant.
This kind of attack is very rare.
– Try to escape into a building or a car. Climb a tree.
– If you can’t escape, do not play dead!
– Fight back! Use pepper spray. Do whatever it takes to let Michael Moore know you are tough and not about to give in. A beard and a name like Wolf is not an effective deterrent.