the pitch to tom monaghan

As some of you know, Tom “the pizza pope” Monaghan’s conservative Catholic college, Ave Maria, still owns quite a bit of property in Ypsilanti, in spite of the fact that they’ve relocated the entire operation to the more extremist-friendly state of Florida. Well, tonight I was in a brainstorming meeting where we were kicking around possible uses for a few of the buildings that have been vacated by the college. The Ave Maria Board of Directors, I believe, is asking for about $1.5 million, but it’s been suggested that Monaghan might take less, if the property is to be used for activities that he deems “acceptable.”

After kicking ideas around for about an hour, I suggested that we set up a meeting with Monaghan during which we propose, absolutely straight-faced, that we’d like to use the former classroom building as “a kind of highly efficient, state of the art, fully automated abortion facility,” complete with robots and conveyer belts, that could handle something on the order of 100 procedures an hour. And, hell, if he’d drop the asking price down to a few hundred grand, we’d even name it after him. Another woman in our group then suggested that the resulting stem cells could be piped over to the adjacent property, where scientists would be conducting experiments that could lead to cures for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. My favorite part of the complex, however, was the grassy plot behind these main buildings, where we’d operate a homosexual indoctrination camp complete with a trail for “gay skipping.”

[The above is satire. I don’t, for what it’s worth, think that abortion is anything to laugh about. I find it terribly sad actually, and feel quite conflicted about its practice. The gay stuff, however, I find hilarious. I love the idea of drill instructors breaking young men down, like they do in the military, and then turning them gay though rigorous skipping.]

Another idea I had tonight, which was prompted by the announcement of an upcoming “live taser demonstration” by the Ypsi police, I think, could help raise thousands of dollars for the coffers of our struggling city. The idea is pretty simple. It’s just a modern reimagining of the dunking tank – those things you see all the time in sitcoms from the 50’s, where community leaders would sit suspended over water while townspeople would line up to pay a quarter and throw a ball at a target, which, if it got hit just right, would send a city leader or two plummeting into an icy tank to the amusement of all… Well, it’s like that, only it involves tasers. You can use your imaginations. (It embarrasses me to say it, but I’m sure we’d have a line around the block of local folks willing to pay $100 a piece for a chance to chase an elected official for one minute with a taser.)

[What I’ve just written in that last paragraph is also satire. I would not — not in a million years — really suggest that we do such a thing, even if it was the only way to keep our city solvent, our City Council members were given a headstart, and the tasers were set on their lowest settings… And, for what it’s worth, I’d say that even if the Mayor hadn’t appointed me to the 2020 Task Force… And, god knows that serving as an elected official in Ypsi in 2007 is punishment enough.]

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15 Comments

  1. mark
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 1:10 am | Permalink

    If I knew how to use Photoshop, I would have indicated on the above photo where the gay skipping trail would go.

  2. Posted June 8, 2007 at 9:31 am | Permalink

    Not bad, my friend. But I really expect more from you. All that property and potential and all you could come up with was abortion and tasers? What about ball shaving? Goatse? I realize the main thrust was to get under Monahan’s skin, still, I have high standards for you, Mark Maynard.

    What about turning the property into a memorial to victims of abuse at the hands of Catholic priests? Maybe a large pizza sculpture with each pepperoni the name of a priest and the findings of molestation, abuse, etc?

    [As you noted above, these are not funny topics. Just raised in satire to counter Monahan’s craziness.]

  3. Ol' E Cross
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 9:35 am | Permalink

    It would seem there is no homosexual indoctrination camp quite like a Catholic seminary.

    The above is satire, I really don’t think seminaries are like camp.

  4. Posted June 8, 2007 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    If you are in need of a modern dunk tank contest model, we are actually right in the middle of a “dunkin our VP’s” contest at work to “fundraise” money for “the community.” Which means, a Japanese automaker is actually going to buy the abortion facility in ypsi and try to stop the flow of all these stupid American workers!

    From the corporate communication bulletin: ” If you missed the VP Pie-in-the-Face contest last year you certainly wont want to miss this event! ”

  5. Cleo Love Paste
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

    I’ve long thought that Dominos delivery people could also do needle exchanges. This might be a good location to run a pilot program out of.

  6. UBU
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 12:28 pm | Permalink

    Hey, thanks so much for letting us know when you’re using satire. In the future a similar heads up for irony, sarcasm and facetiousness would be much appreciated!

  7. Dirtgrain
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 10:51 pm | Permalink

    Mark, you are way ahead of our time. I hope we catch up with you. Rock on.

  8. egpenet
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 12:22 am | Permalink

    I propose that using the same panhandling story twice on the same Ypsilanti resident should be punishable by tasering.

    I propose that pimping (including being the dumb “junior pimp” who follows their girls around on foot or bicycle) should be subject to tasering on sight.

    I propose that drug dealers NOT be tasereed but instead have to pay twice or three times or more for everything within they buy within the city … and that the money goes to pay the Water Street bonds … $160K for a Jaguar, $360K for a Hummer, $25 for a cheeseburger and sweet potato fries at the Sidetrack, $10 for a beer at any bar, $25 for a shot of Crown Royal, etc.

    Quick, unrelated thought … how’bout as guided walking tour of all the drug houses and prostitute’s apartments in town for Heritage Festival. Publish a Guide. Get their pictures and names. Big draw with the “Urban Reality Tour of Ypsilanti” … give marker plaques.

  9. Robert
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    Mr. Chairman, I stand to second egpenets motions, and nominate myself as chair of the Pimp Designation Committee.

  10. egpenet
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 10:34 am | Permalink

    Robert (with my gloves on) … how’d yoyu like that “tasereed” (sic)?

  11. egpenet
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 10:39 am | Permalink

    This morning I was thinkling, too, about running “contests” in the paper on a continual basis … “Pimp of the Week” … “Ho’o’da’week” … and “Drug Dealer of the Week.”

    The prize is simply getting your name, address, phone, email, photo spread and vehicle license published … with a copy of that edition sent to their mothers.

  12. Robert
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 1:01 pm | Permalink

    – ADVERTISEMENT –

    Have you been injured due to the negligence of a glove manufacturer? We can help. We’re the law offices of Yoyu, Tasereed, and Wakit.

    Frustrated? Grab your Yoyu, Tasereed and Wakit.

  13. Robert
    Posted June 9, 2007 at 1:33 pm | Permalink

    Mark, I like your idea for the pitch to Monaghan. I only ask that when you schedule the meeting with him that you invite me along. I want to show some great designs I have for a 100% green facility. Wind and hydro turbines combined with solar collectors should provide enough power on site for the completely automated abortion mill. I’ve based my designs on Theo Jansen’s kinetic art. I’m sure he won’t mind my taking his ideas and putting them to some real world use. Sorry it took me so many posts to finally get around to the actual topic. I was busy working on my sketches.

  14. Posted August 8, 2007 at 1:08 am | Permalink

    WE ARE CATHOLIC AND WANT TO SEE IT U WOULD LIKE TO HELP US IN OUR HARDSHIP .MY HUSBAND IS ASICK MAN AND WE LIVE ON SOCSEC AND YOU KNOW THAT NOT MUSH MONEY .MY HUSBAND HAVE DIABETES BAD HE TAKE 3 SHOT A DAY HE HAD THE QUAT AND HEARTTROUBLEAND A LOT MORE THING HE IS63 AND59 AND IT HE DIE I WILL LOST MY HOME.WE ARE HAVEING A HARD SHIP.HE GET 1,130.00AMONTH OUR HOUSE IS 700.00AMONTH AND THAT NOT OUR OVER HEAD.WE NEED 90,000.00DOLLAR.S TO PAID IT OFF .I LIVE IN AOLD HOUSEAND IT NEED ANEW KITCHEN FELLIN .BUT I LOVE IHAD 12 GRANDCHILDREN IN THIS HOUSE .SO PLEASE IT U CAN HELP ME TO PAID MY HOME OFF OR HELP WITH A FUND RASIER .I THEN KNOW I WILL NOT BE PUT IN THE STREET .I ALSO KNOW WHAT IT LIKE TO BE POOR BECAUSE WE ARE NOW.THIS EMAIL IS FOR MRTHOMAS MONAGHAN.I THANK U ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING AND GOD BLESS U MR AND MRS CLIFTON COOK SR

  15. Tom F
    Posted August 8, 2007 at 8:47 am | Permalink

    Wilma, I encourage you and your husband to look at homes in our new Ave Maria complex. It’s beautiful in Florida this time of year, and for $400K we get you into something quite nice. As we say in our marketing materials, “This is the kind of place where Jesus would live.”

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