the sharpest almond in the world

Yesterday, I walkied by a big bowl of nuts. No one else was eating them, so I assumed that they were off-limits. I would have kept on walking, but I noticed Brazil nuts in the mix, so I doubled back. After scanning the room quickly, I surreptitiously grabbed a handful, tossed them into my mouth and started assessing what I’d gotten with my tongue. I felt a Brazil nut and used my tongue to push it into place, between my molars. I bit down, expecting to enjoy it immensely, and that’s when the excruciating pain started. Apparently there had been a almond positioned vertically just behind my front teeth, and, when I went to crush the Brazil nut between my back teeth, it was forced up through the roof of my mouth. I made my way out of the room, spit out the nuts, and began working with my tongue to dislodge the piece of nut still stuck in my palate. After a few seconds, I’d gotten it out, which would have been a good thing, if not for the fact that the little piece of almond was the only thing holding all the blood in my head in. The next ten minutes was spent choking on a constant flow of blood as I simultaneously tried to stop the flow with my tongue and find an ice cube. That was about 24 hours ago now, and I can’t stop obsessing about the swollen lump behind my front teeth. My tongue must be running over it at least 20 times a minute, each time applying just a little more pressure, and waiting for my mouth to fill up like I’d bitten into a Chewels full of pus.

[For what it’s worth, I now have quite a bit more respect for our Commander-In-Chief for having survived the incident with the pretzel.]

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11 Comments

  1. Ol' E Cross
    Posted May 28, 2007 at 10:52 pm | Permalink

    I’m sure I’m not the only reader who can verify that Mark Maynard has a perticular weakness for puss filled lumps, and, if you have one, will run his tongue over it exactly 20 times a minute, each time, applying just a little more pressure.

    I can also verify that he is rather clumsy when it comes to eating nuts.

  2. mike_1630
    Posted May 28, 2007 at 11:26 pm | Permalink

    I’m extremely allergic to Brazil nuts… as in, I’ll die if I eat a handful…

    But this story sounds very painful :(

  3. mark
    Posted May 28, 2007 at 11:49 pm | Permalink

    You should never tell people what will kill you, Mike.

    And, Ol’ E Cross, I have a pretty good idea of what might kill you too.

  4. Posted May 29, 2007 at 12:32 am | Permalink

    Scary story!

    Just an FYI, “puss” is short for pussycat as in “Puss in Boots”. “Pus” is the nasty stuff that comes from wounds. Ewww – that’s a scary thought – “Pus in Boots”

    brian

  5. mark
    Posted May 29, 2007 at 12:37 am | Permalink

    Good catch. Thanks, Brian.

  6. dr. teddy glass
    Posted May 29, 2007 at 8:21 am | Permalink

    You all laugh, but an “unusually sharp almond sliver” was the official cause of George Peppard’s death.

  7. UBU
    Posted May 29, 2007 at 11:38 am | Permalink

    you should have had some cheese to go with your whine…

  8. lynne
    Posted May 29, 2007 at 11:41 am | Permalink

    EEP! I hope your wound is feeling better today.

  9. Cleo Love Paste
    Posted May 30, 2007 at 8:49 am | Permalink

    Please let me kill Ubu. Pleassssssssse.

  10. UBU
    Posted May 30, 2007 at 12:33 pm | Permalink

    They should call you Cleo Paste because where is the Love…

  11. mark
    Posted May 30, 2007 at 10:12 pm | Permalink

    My hope is that no one reader of this site would take it upon him or herself to kill Ubu for the nasty hate speech he has spewed here at MM.com… No, when the time comes, I think we should all it together.

    (I’ve always wanted to be part of a mob with pichforks and torches.)

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