Apparently, the religious police are turning on Pat Robertson, suggesting that he’s been abusing the nonprofit status of his Christian Broadcasting Network in order to market an “age-defying” diet drink to the plus-sized members of his slack-jawed audience. (Imagine that, a televangelist having the unmitigated gall to use his pulpit in order to amass personal wealth. Absolutely shocking.) I haven’t seen any of the footage in question, but I imagine he’s been caught saying something to the effect of:
“When the Rapture comes, which could be any day now, it’s absolutely true what you’ve heard… The clothes that you are wearing will fly right off your body, and you will be propelled right toward Heaven, in all your naked glory… Now, I want you to think about that for a moment…. And, while you’re thinking about it, I’d like you to go and take your clothes off and stand in front of a mirror… (Time passes as he takes a satisfying sip of his diet shake.) Do you like what you see? No? Well, guess what? Neither will God… Just as you wouldn’t show up to a job interview in sweatpants, you shouldn’t stand there, at the foot of our wrath-filled Lord, all covered with unbecoming lumps and pouches… Fortunately, there’s something out there that can help you though, a special, patented, fat-burning elixir, specially calibrated for the saved…”
UPDATE: If you’re interested in finding out more about Pat’s age-defying drink, there’s a special page devoted to it at the Christian Broadcasting Network site. Here’s just a little taste of what they have to say about the magic elixir:
Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg-press 2000 pounds! How does he do it?
Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?
One of Pat’s secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients…
UPDATE: Unfortunately, no one in the corporate media is following the “age-defying protein shake” story. Nope, they’re all pursuing the other Pat Robertson story, the fact that he called for the assassination of democratically elected Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez… I personally think that he just said that we should murder Chavez in order to deflect the attention he was bound to start getting over the diet shake snake oil that he’s been peddling. His constituents don’t give a shit about Chavez, and they don’t care that he preaches hate. He didn’t even lose a ratings point a year or so ago when he began praying on television for one of the more left-leaning Supreme Court justices to get cancer, thus creating an opening on the bench. What they might not like, however, is knowing that he’s been taking advantage of them.