snake oil: you too can have the perfect, pat robertson-like body

Apparently, the religious police are turning on Pat Robertson, suggesting that he’s been abusing the nonprofit status of his Christian Broadcasting Network in order to market an “age-defying” diet drink to the plus-sized members of his slack-jawed audience. (Imagine that, a televangelist having the unmitigated gall to use his pulpit in order to amass personal wealth. Absolutely shocking.) I haven’t seen any of the footage in question, but I imagine he’s been caught saying something to the effect of:

“When the Rapture comes, which could be any day now, it’s absolutely true what you’ve heard… The clothes that you are wearing will fly right off your body, and you will be propelled right toward Heaven, in all your naked glory… Now, I want you to think about that for a moment…. And, while you’re thinking about it, I’d like you to go and take your clothes off and stand in front of a mirror… (Time passes as he takes a satisfying sip of his diet shake.) Do you like what you see? No? Well, guess what? Neither will God… Just as you wouldn’t show up to a job interview in sweatpants, you shouldn’t stand there, at the foot of our wrath-filled Lord, all covered with unbecoming lumps and pouches… Fortunately, there’s something out there that can help you though, a special, patented, fat-burning elixir, specially calibrated for the saved…”

UPDATE: If you’re interested in finding out more about Pat’s age-defying drink, there’s a special page devoted to it at the Christian Broadcasting Network site. Here’s just a little taste of what they have to say about the magic elixir:

Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg-press 2000 pounds! How does he do it?

Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?

One of Pat’s secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients…

UPDATE: Unfortunately, no one in the corporate media is following the “age-defying protein shake” story. Nope, they’re all pursuing the other Pat Robertson story, the fact that he called for the assassination of democratically elected Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez… I personally think that he just said that we should murder Chavez in order to deflect the attention he was bound to start getting over the diet shake snake oil that he’s been peddling. His constituents don’t give a shit about Chavez, and they don’t care that he preaches hate. He didn’t even lose a ratings point a year or so ago when he began praying on television for one of the more left-leaning Supreme Court justices to get cancer, thus creating an opening on the bench. What they might not like, however, is knowing that he’s been taking advantage of them.

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  1. BrianB
    Posted August 23, 2005 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    And now I see he’s called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez because it would be cheaper than starting a war. When a religious leader starts calling for assisnations, that’s terrorism. And to justify it in terms cost savings rather than claiming the moral high road is kind of hilarious. What kind of religious fantasyland do people live in where it’s okay to kill somebody if it’s cost effective and drinking age-defying diet soda helps ensure your salvation?

  2. Teddy Glass
    Posted August 23, 2005 at 9:20 am | Permalink

    Here’s the quote:

    “You know, I don’t know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it,” Robertson said. “It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war … and I don’t think any oil shipments will stop.”,1,4214942.story?coll=chi-newsnationworld-hed

  3. Ken
    Posted August 23, 2005 at 9:59 am | Permalink

    The things he says get more and more outrageous. I think that he is gearing up for his own personal rapture and this diet drink is nothing more than a Jim Jones Kool-Aid cocktail with a much shittier taste.

  4. Posted August 23, 2005 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    I wish Pat would just return to his humble roots as a simple, modest diamond magnate.

  5. Posted August 23, 2005 at 11:03 am | Permalink

    Pat has both his feet in his mouth and he is still talking. Remarkable.

  6. Posted August 23, 2005 at 11:37 am | Permalink

    That’s hardly a trick, Dave. I once saw Pat drink a glass of water while Terry kept on talking.

    This guy is good.

  7. Posted August 23, 2005 at 1:18 pm | Permalink

    Do not underestimate the power of Pat’s “prayer face.” Many have withered under its burning power. It’s so seemingly honest, pitiful, and purely reverent. Puppy dog eyes angle close, and his eyebrows turn up in sincere meekness like one who has achieved true humility in the face of the Lord (or like someone who is hoping nobody notices that he farted). And his “prayer voice” is rivaled only by the hypnotic child molester voice of Mr. Rogers–and that Hale-Bopp hitchhiking cult leader dude.

    We few perceptive diviners of truth and logic notice that once and a while, Pat cracks open one eyelid to peer around as he wonders, “Are these suckers really buying this?” They are.

    George Bush has tries to copy Robertson’s “prayer face.” He shows it when he talks about his concern for our soldiers’ lives. He fools many. But we perceptive ones can see that when he dons it, such as on Memorial Day when he stood in front of that wreath, he too is peering around, only instead of being astute enough to wonder if anybody is buying it, he is thinking, “Man that pizza I had for lunch was tasty. I got to get me some more of that.” Many still buy it, though.

    Peace out. I’m off to pray me up some holy pizza.

  8. john galt
    Posted August 23, 2005 at 7:33 pm | Permalink

    mmmm oil and Vinegar with some protein powder.. I bet that tastes good. Do you have to shake it up like italian dressing? Wouldn’t just selling live tapeworms be more effective.. You could even market them as Guaol’d symbiotes. (for you sg1 fans). If they’re on TV and they want you to send them money.. and you do.. shame on you.

  9. mark
    Posted August 23, 2005 at 7:48 pm | Permalink

    Pat’s getting a lot of shit over his call to assassinate Chavez. I heard someone on the radio on my way home from work asking why the FCC was more interested in Janet Jackson’s nipple than his call to murder the democratically elected president of Venezuela. It

  10. Posted August 28, 2005 at 12:56 am | Permalink

    Pat Robertson is being investagated by the IRS
    and FBI I am working with them both and he knows it that is why he came up with his bs story to side tract everyone nice try old man but you have been punked.

  11. mark
    Posted August 29, 2005 at 7:55 pm | Permalink

    What happened, Phil, did Pat steal your secret recipe?

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