found filth in ypsi: sure grip tighten-her cream

Clementine and I were out yesterday, walking through Frog Island Park, when I noticed a small, rectangular box about two feet off the trail, in a bare spot overlooking the Huron River. Being somewhat obsessive by nature, I couldn’t just walk by it without first seeing what it was, so I swung the stroller over to the side and poked at the box with the tip of my shoe. What I’d found, I quickly realized, wasn’t your run of the mill public park garbage. No, I’d found something special – the packaging for “Sure Grip” vagina-tightening cream. Fortunately, Clementine’s young enough that I didn’t have to explain what it was, why someone would buy it, or, worse yet, why her father wanted to bring it home.

I kicked the box into a plastic bag (which I carry for just such occasions), tucked it into the bottom of the stroller, and began walking toward home, praying all the while that we wouldn’t run into anyone that we knew, and that, in the process of chatting, the bag would pop out to reveal its contents.

It wasn’t until I got home that I had an opportunity to look over the packaging closely… I’d seen the slogan across the top, guaranteeing “that honeymoon fit,” when I got it into the bag, but I hadn’t seen the, “Tightens your vagina like it was your First Time,” line. Or, the fact that it had a $14.95 price tag.

I’ve been wrestling with the “who” and “why” of it ever since. “Could it have been,” I wonder, “one of the older ladies walking the track for exercise… maybe a recent, self-conscious divorc

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34 Comments

  1. Posted May 30, 2005 at 12:14 am | Permalink

    But it is “value size” Surely you want your parents to know how thrifty you are?

  2. dorothy
    Posted May 30, 2005 at 9:26 am | Permalink

    the active ingredient here is alum, which is an astringent. try putting some in your mouth and you will see what i mean. the dmd hydantoin is a hydrating agent usually used on hair and could possibly cause tissue swelling. all in all, it doesn’t sound like something i’d use on myself, for a variety of reasons. the rest of ingredients are inert except for methylparaben which is a preservative.(mold retardant)

  3. mark
    Posted May 30, 2005 at 12:39 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for the help, Dorothy. I

  4. Posted May 30, 2005 at 4:24 pm | Permalink

    peace of mind is a mold-free vagina.

  5. Posted May 30, 2005 at 6:57 pm | Permalink

    “…try putting some in your mouth and you will see what i mean.”

    Go for it, mark. I dare you.

  6. Brian
    Posted May 30, 2005 at 8:37 pm | Permalink

    Yeah, I’m sure you “found” that in the “park”.

  7. mark
    Posted May 30, 2005 at 8:45 pm | Permalink

    Let’s all try it. I’ll buy a crate and we’ll meet in Frog Island Park this Friday night.

  8. kez panel
    Posted May 30, 2005 at 9:33 pm | Permalink

    i did a quick search on ebay for this “women’s medicine”…. seems it’s quite common.

    http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=72803&item=5567763147&rd=1&ssPageName=WD1V

  9. Posted May 31, 2005 at 10:38 am | Permalink

    Heh. “Value Size” for those extra large vaginas.

  10. Teddy Glass
    Posted May 31, 2005 at 10:56 am | Permalink

    There’s nothing sadder than a moldy vagina, except maybe a frothing, mossy penis.

  11. chris
    Posted May 31, 2005 at 6:46 pm | Permalink

    Dorothy,

    Are you a pharmacist? I knew the alum was the “active” ingredient. BUT you knew everything else!

    I am so impressed.

  12. mark
    Posted May 31, 2005 at 7:24 pm | Permalink

    Yes, Dorothy has admitted as much in the past… Retired pharmacist to be exact.

  13. chris
    Posted May 31, 2005 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

    OK, this is wild because my best friend’s mom, who ALL other mother’s pale by comparison, is also a pharmacist named Dorothy, and retired one at that. How many pharmacists named Dorothy can their be? Is that you, Natanya’s mom? If it is, I promise I will send pictures of the kids.

  14. Teddy Glass
    Posted June 1, 2005 at 8:29 am | Permalink

    Back in the olden days, we’d just poke dessicants up in there.

    http://www.nitro-pak.com/product_info.php/products_id/664

  15. Kevin Dole 2
    Posted August 18, 2005 at 3:05 pm | Permalink

    My mom once bought “face lift in a box” which was supposed to tighten the skin– wonder if this is similar.

  16. mark
    Posted August 21, 2005 at 10:30 pm | Permalink

    Here it is – Face Lift in a Box… I’ll write the folks a note and ask if they’re also behind Tighten-Her Cream… Hopefully, you’ll have your answer soon, Kevin.

  17. Rene
    Posted December 23, 2007 at 10:54 am | Permalink

    My boyfriend brought some of this home and I am 8 months pregnate. What syptoms does this cause during pregancy if anyone knows, because if I can’t use it during I don’t think I want to use it wil I am not?????

  18. egpenet
    Posted December 23, 2007 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    Girl, the LAST thing you want at eight months is a TIGHT birth canal! Keep working on your breathing exercises and tell that daddy to BACK OFF!

  19. mark
    Posted December 23, 2007 at 11:39 am | Permalink

    Sounds like you’ve got one hell of a man there.

    Generous. Thoughtful.

    Happy holidays.

  20. Deidra
    Posted October 5, 2008 at 9:28 am | Permalink

    I haven’t used that particular product but i have used one similar and trust me.. IT WORKS. I am here searching for the one i used to buy.. but i cant remmber the name. it was in a jar and it had all natural ingredients and an expiration date.. same instructions.. and it was not edible.

    All i know is that it works and i want more! lol.. I’m ALREADY TIGHT. BUT I WANT TO BE TIGHTER.. Although .. my man already cant hold his stamina with me because of my tightness.. but i just love it.. so if anyone has any idea about one that is in a jar.. that usually sells through adult toy parties .. let me know!

    THANKS!

  21. Posted November 13, 2008 at 2:02 pm | Permalink

    Revitol products review, solutions and treatments on Revitol anti aging, Revitol acne treatments, Revitol cellulite problems, Revitol skin exfoliator, Revitol skin cleansing, Revitol anti wrinkles, Revitol stretch marks by http://www.revitolskincarez.com

  22. ST Wilbanks 2nd Class
    Posted November 13, 2008 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

    I don’t know if it works for vejajays, but when I think of Mary Todd Lincoln my until shrivels up like a raisin. I hope that helps, Deidra.

  23. Cream Review
    Posted April 5, 2010 at 3:34 am | Permalink

    Does anyone know if this is the same, chemically speaking, as Amway’s “That’s Better” cream?

  24. Alice
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    Ain’t nothing new under the sun.

    Scroll down to the 5th paragraph.

    http://www.time.com/time/2001/aidsinafrica/cover4.html

  25. Posted April 7, 2010 at 8:29 pm | Permalink

    I love threads that can keep going for five years… I’m just sorry that the photo was lost in the big attack by the Iranian hacker.

  26. Connie Baskins
    Posted December 16, 2010 at 8:48 am | Permalink

    Do you know where I can buy a tube of this in the greater Akron area? I want to get it for my grandmother this Christmas. She has a new boyfriend.

  27. Edward
    Posted December 16, 2010 at 3:13 pm | Permalink

    You can use Polygrip denture adhesive. It works just as well. Don’t ask me how I know.

  28. Joya Braim
    Posted January 3, 2011 at 7:14 pm | Permalink

    Have you tried the coffee grinds trick? It is quite simple to do and could be really efficient at getting things tightened up without a great deal of effort. All that you simply need is a bowl, some coffee grinds, and your favorite moisturizing lotion or cellulite cream. Once you have these items, you can began.

  29. Velma Jones
    Posted April 5, 2011 at 7:50 am | Permalink

    It’s the fountain of youth that Ponce DeLeon was looking for. Truly.

  30. M. Iddings
    Posted May 7, 2011 at 4:57 am | Permalink

    Don’t waste your money on this. Use a homemade paste made from lotion and coffee grounds. It works just as well. Any cheap lotion will work, and Starbucks will give you coffee grounds for free!

  31. LAUREN LORDES
    Posted June 29, 2018 at 1:05 pm | Permalink

    Over the years i suffered from loose vagina. my name is Lauren Lordes from united states (Alabama). i have been married for 6 years with two kids.lately, my husband have been feeling unconcern towards i and my children, every little thing i do now irritate him due to my vaginal loose in child birth.my vaginal no longer tighten when turned on, my condition now make it difficult for me to experience heightened sexual sensations and to have orgasm owing the reduction of friction between my vagina and my husband penis.I have been to several hospitals and have been prescribed several pills also attempt a surgical procedure, but my condition still remain the same.

    It later occur to my notice that medical intervention is not the answer to my problem. i was force to discuss the issue with a friend of mine called Tricia,as i was crying heavily and befall with burden of pains and sorrows, i love my husband so much and am not ready to loose him to another woman at any point in time. After Tricia listened to my touching story she told me even though medical interventions come high on most ‘how to make your vagina tighter’,they may not be the best first option. Rather than spending money on a surgical procedure, how about a go with herbs. There are numerous herbs proven effective in tightening the vagina muscles down there. She refers me to an herbalist called Dr Simmon who told me to start sleeping with clove-studded orange in my vagina. Now, everything is perfect in my life.

  32. Anonymous
    Posted July 6, 2018 at 6:20 am | Permalink

    Thank you, EOS, for finally feeling comfortable enough to share you real name.

  33. Jean Henry
    Posted July 6, 2018 at 6:40 am | Permalink

    That was the greatest MM thread ever. Chock full of useful tips too. Many thanks for drawing us back here.

    PS I told you EOS was a woman.

  34. Posted July 6, 2018 at 6:47 am | Permalink

    Sadly, much of this post was lost as a result of the Iranian hack we suffered about a dozen years ago. Among other things, there used to be a photo.

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