poppin mamas

I haven’t written about my OCD in a while, so I thought that I’d share a little anecdote with you from this evening. I was at the gym, and I noticed a pregnant woman across the room. My first thought was to go over, say hello, and ask how her pregnancy was going. It’s hard to explain, especially for a somewhat antisocial person like myself, but something about having just gone through the process of having a kid makes me want to talk to other couples and tell them that it’s the best thing in the world, etc (at least from the perspective of the person not having to give birth)… Anyway, I was sitting there on some machine, thinking about going over to say hello, when it occurred to me that I might blurt out something really inappropriate when I got up to her, instead of just asking about the pregnancy and making small talk about parenthood… Within seconds a whole litany of inappropriate things flashed in front of my mind (most having to do with birth defects) until I settled on the absolute worst, the most horrific thing I could possibly say to this woman well into the third trimester of her pregnancy. I began to worry that I might, instead of introducing myself as a proud new parent, introduce myself as a photographer from “Poppin’ Mamas” magazine.

“Poppin’ Mamas,” in case it’s not clear from the title, is, or at least was, a horribly offensive porn magazine. I saw it on a newsstand outside New York’s Port Authority when I was in high school, and it’s apparently stayed with me all this time. I didn’t even see inside of the issue. I was just walking by, glanced up, saw the image of an extremely pregnant woman in stirrups, read the title, and apparently that’s all it took to burn it into my memory… So, this evening, it surfaced, and, as a result, I didn’t go and say hello to the pregnant woman across the room and ask how her pregnancy was going. Instead I just scurried by her in a panic, afraid of what I might blurt out. These kinds of things happen every day. In fact, they happen so often that it doesn’t even cross my mind to mention them here. The reason I thought about sitting down and writing about this one is because this one triggered another thought.

This experience caused me to think that I might have just stumbled on the most offensive hidden camera show idea ever… The premise is simple. Every week, a team goes out into America’s heartland and asks pregnant women if they’d consider doing hardcore porn.

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  1. DR
    Posted January 3, 2005 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    What about Stump Magazine? Can you work that one in?

  2. mark
    Posted January 4, 2005 at 4:36 am | Permalink

    Yes, we will also be approaching limbless women and asking them to participate.

  3. Posted January 4, 2005 at 5:32 am | Permalink

    Where there’s a market, right? So, what do you think, do these fringe fetish mags exist because there’s demand or is there demand because somebody prints and sells this type of shit.

  4. Posted January 4, 2005 at 6:07 am | Permalink

    Steve has a theory that the most fringe porn comes from the most sexually repressed societies. My theory is that when “sex” is associated with “wrong”, people think about wrong sex and that excites them. The more wrong it gets, the more exciting it gets, until you end up with Dutch porn.

  5. Posted January 4, 2005 at 6:29 am | Permalink

    Criminalizing a thing tends to concentrate and intensify the product. Dutch Porn pretty much takes the cake thanks Dutch Refrom Church.

  6. chris
    Posted January 4, 2005 at 7:21 am | Permalink

    please i must know! What is Dutch porn? No links please, just descriptions. Also, Mark I know that in the past I have tried to convince you that you do not have OCD, and that what you were experiencing was totally normal for someone of your obvious intelligence and immense talent. However, upon reading your most recent OCD travails, and recognizing such behavior in myself, I realize that I too must have OCD. But add the fact that I have actually uttered some of these innapropriate comments, I see your OCD and raise you one borderline personality.

    OK, OK, but still, what if the majority of those productive, above average intelligence people have significantly higher rates of OCD in their population than the average population. You know the article in Science, or was it Nature, that hypothesized that research scientists were more likely to have OCD than other professions. So doesn’t that make us like you know…better?

    Yeah, yeah I know…anger, denial, depression, bargaining, acceptence. (Did you read that article about her being a loon in NYT magazine?).

    AND, some of the best lays I’ve ever had were with research scientists…well OK, Dutch research scientists.

  7. Tony Buttons
    Posted January 4, 2005 at 7:51 am | Permalink
  8. Posted January 4, 2005 at 9:17 am | Permalink

    I have that problem too, Mark, where I don’t have conversations because I’m prone to saying things that I don’t want to explain. I might blurt out “that’s where crime starts” like I did at Christmas Dinner in Lansing. Right now, I don’t even want to post this, but I think you should know that you’re not alone and I don’t mean that in a minimalizing kind of way.

    Chris: The Dutch anal fetish extends to objects that are in no way sexual.

  9. Teddy Glass
    Posted January 4, 2005 at 9:42 am | Permalink

    Would anyone happen to know where I could get a magazine that caters to my new “butt raisin” fetish?

  10. Posted January 4, 2005 at 3:39 pm | Permalink

    I’m scared to buy shoes at the Foot Action store in the mall now.

  11. mark
    Posted January 5, 2005 at 7:11 pm | Permalink

    There are things about OCD that are much worse than this. This is just a little inconvenience. Some day, I’ll write about the bad stuff.

  12. Posted January 7, 2005 at 6:00 am | Permalink

    So, Mark, do you actually EVER say the inappropriate thing that pops into your head?

  13. frank
    Posted October 3, 2005 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

    Re: Poppin’ Mamas magazine. Women and young teen girls take on a whole different look while on that nine-month process.

    I’ve dated expectant ladies over the decades (fathering a few along the way).You can interpret any sort of photo any way you wish and find a way to make it seem salacious.

    Take the object that got them that way. An erection can be dubbed a lewd length, or a symbol of a cantilevered mass of compressed blood and tissue,capable of procreation and/or pleasure, of varying lengths,widths or colors.

    Even the most sanctimonious soul alive couldn’t dispute Demi Moore looking strikingly motherly in The Seventh Sign.

  14. john galt
    Posted October 3, 2005 at 6:47 pm | Permalink

    whatever you do mark, don’t think about the fact that your keyboard has like 10K X the germs of a toilet seat..

  15. mark
    Posted October 3, 2005 at 8:01 pm | Permalink

    I’ll have you know that my toilet seats are extremely filthy… So, your logic doesn’t hold in my world, Dr. Galt. As for Demi Moore, she might be a very nice woman, but I have absolutely no use for her as an actress or a pop culture icon. She, in my mind, is like a female Ben Afleck.

  16. Cote Rosanne
    Posted March 23, 2010 at 10:27 pm | Permalink

    Some time ago, when I needed to buy a good house for my organization (family) but I did not have enough cash, it was suggested by my mother that I pose for Popping Mama’s magazine. It was the best advice she’d ever given me. The staff was a pure delight. I can’t praise them enough.

  17. Mr. Johnston
    Posted April 8, 2011 at 8:52 am | Permalink

    I only read if for the articles.

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