god bless america and big boy

I must be out of practice. Ive tried to write tonights post at least twenty different ways, and I just cant make it work. Ive got all the makings of a really great story, but I just cant get everything to sync up together So, Ive decided to just give you the basic building blocks and let you put them together yourself. Here they are. Good luck:

1. A Chinese woman took my pulse today, determined that my heart and kidneys werent following the same rhythm, asked me to disrobe and then proceeded to stick about 20 pins into my body. She then left me alone in a dark room, coming back every 20 minutes to twist each pin like she was tuning a radio… I made an appointment to go back on Monday.

2. I worried that someone might yell at me for dropping my organic orange peel on the ground while taking a walk through the park, so I broke it into tiny pieces and scattered them around when I thought that the coast was clear. It occured to me as I was doing this that there broken beer bottles and condoms on the ground and that I was freaking out about the dime-sized sections of peel of, not just an orange, but an organic orange.

3. I gave a speech in front of a local fraternal organization. Id been panicking about it for days. As it turns out though, it wasnt too bad. The men, most of them retired business men and professors from the local community, were nice. They asked good questions. They applauded. One or two of the older fellows went to sleep when the lights were lowered for my presentation, but, all in all, Id say it was a success. Once I was done speaking, a few of the men even came up and asked if Id consider joining their group. I wouldnt have guessed it beforehand, but the thought of joining didnt seem so terrible to me. If I did join, however, I think their median age would plummet to 70.

4. I realized that I apparently still know all the words to God Bless America and the Pledge of Allegiance. Whats more, I discovered that I still have a soft spot for this country of ours, no matter what I might think of the current administration.

5. After listening to the song Moonage Daydream on David Bowies Ziggy Stardust Live album five times in a row, I decided to add the name Ziggy to the list of possible baby names.

6. Linette and I, over the phone, discussed the circumcision of little Ziggy Lao Maynard. We agreed, I think, that the decision will be 51% mine and 49% hers. I told her that, as things stand right now, Im about 60% opposed to it… I am growing more comfortable with the idea that our penises do not necessarily need to match.

7. I met a local pastor and discovered that hed left a career in advertising to pursue the pulpit. He was very nice… Later in the evening, I spied him from a hole the middle of a local street, where I was doing a bit of amateur historic research. I thought to call out to him, but thought better of it, as only my head was visible and as I was filthy and dripping sweat.

8. I had an idea for a book that centers around a group of individuals plotting to burn down every single Frank Lloyd Wright house at the exact same date and time.

9. I met a man who knows my father-in-law. He asked me if I was aware that the fate of a giant Big Boy statue was in his hands.

Theres lots more than this, but I need to go and do some other things now. Today has been an extremely good, full day. I spoke in public and the world did not end. I met several new people, all of whom I liked. I remembered some of the things that I love about this country of ours. And, perhaps most importantly, I found a woman who says that she can realign my kidneys and my heart. (She tells me that this will end my anxiety Although Im skeptical, I have faith.)

note one: This post was brought to you by Johnny Apple Sandals. (They’re the best damned Apple Sandals money can buy!)

note two: I have decided to call my son 60% uncircumcised son Johnny Apple Sandals.

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