can someone remind me again who the president was when the 9/11 attacks occurred?

I hate giving the son-of-a-bitch behind this Florida billboard any more press than he’s already gotten today, but I just had to share it with you… Isn’t it great?

The thing that really pisses me off isn’t so much that the guy — who is apparently a musician — did it, but that he did it before my band. When I think of the amount of traffic that his site is getting this evening, it really chafes my husky, rough, grub-white ass.

So, I should be working on my super duper top-secret Shadow Art Fair project tonight, but all I can find the motivation to do is sit here and try to come up with ideas for equally offensive and historically inaccurate billboards that my band could fund… So far, the best I’ve come up with is an image of an enraged Jesus, holding an aborted fetus in his outstretched hands, and commanding “Don’t Vote for Republicans.” I’m sure I can do better than that though… If you have an idea, leave a comment.

And this is kind of off topic, but, speaking of Jesus, does anyone know if there’s any record of him having built anything? It occurred to me the other day as I was driving down the road on the way to work that, while I’ve heard my entire life that he was a carpenter, I’ve never heard word one about what it was that he built, or whether or not he was any good at his craft. It’s been a while since I’ve read the “Bible,” so please correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there’s anything in there about him building “the finest mahogany mangers in all of Judea,” or anything like that.

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15 Comments

  1. Ol' E Cross
    Posted July 15, 2008 at 10:27 pm | Permalink

    I think this is the image you’re looking for.

  2. mark
    Posted July 15, 2008 at 11:10 pm | Permalink

    I love it, OEC. Thanks. That’s exactly the image I need… a US serviceman kissing a member of the Taliban, with the phrase “Please don’t vote for a Republican.” Now I just need to call around and see how much billboard space costs.

  3. John on Forest
    Posted July 15, 2008 at 11:14 pm | Permalink

    I have a vague recollection of a story of Jesus helping repair someone’s house; but, don’t take my word for it.

    Also, I’m much less educated on some of the non-synoptic gospels; but, I think more is written about Jesus’ life before his ministry in at least one of those books.

  4. K
    Posted July 16, 2008 at 9:11 am | Permalink

    Jesus built a bridge to Heaven.
    A mighty, mighty bridge to Heaven.
    Jesus built a bridge to Heaven,
    with three nails, and two cross-ties.

  5. Brackache
    Posted July 16, 2008 at 9:32 am | Permalink

    There is nothing in the cannonical gospels or the letters of the apostles about Jesus building anything, or otherwise using his carpentry skills.

  6. Andy C
    Posted July 16, 2008 at 11:52 am | Permalink

    I do like that the website is all about selling a single song. Damn, now it’s stuck in my head! I wonder if the guy owns the billboard or just got the Republican discount?

  7. Jim
    Posted July 16, 2008 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    From the Infancy Gospel of Thomas:

    Chapter 13

    (1) Since his father was a carpenter, he was making plows and yokes in that season. (2) An order for a bed was given to him from a rich man, (3) but one of the boards, the one called the crossbeam, was shorter than the other. And since Joseph had no idea what to do, the child Jesus said to his father Joseph, “Put the two pieces of wood down and line up the ends.”

    (3) And Joseph did just as the child told him. Then, Jesus stood at the other end and grasped the shorter piece of wood and stretching it, he made it equal with the other.

    (4) And his father Joseph saw and was amazed and, taking the child, he kissed him, saying, “I am blessed because God gave me this child.”

    http://www.gospels.net/translations/infancythomastranslation.html

  8. Brackache
    Posted July 16, 2008 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

    Again, there is nothing in the cannonical gospels or the letters of the apostles about Jesus building anything, or otherwise using his carpentry skills.

    However, I’m sure you could find stories of Jesus crashing his motorcycle off dead man’s curve in a race with Skeletor if you look into gospels that were rejected as cannon hard enough.

  9. Robert
    Posted July 16, 2008 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

    The thing I’ve always found amazing is that the Bush Administration was able to keep us all so safe in the eight years BEFORE they formally took office.

    Maybe the terrorists just didn’t want to waltz right in and blow the hell out of us while we were completely unprepared (aka during a Democrat administration). They wanted the challenge of attacking when it would be most difficult, and the response would be swift and decisive. There’s more honor in that.

  10. Somebody Please De-Pants Jesus
    Posted July 16, 2008 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    This is completely off-topic, but I think:

    Jim [Visitor]

    would be an incredibly cool name for a rock band.

  11. Posted July 16, 2008 at 5:25 pm | Permalink

    There’s also debate about what “carpenter” meant. As I remember, it literally translates as “hewer of wood” and doesn’t necessarily imply quality of work. The same term would be used for rough carpentry jobs like making door frames and such. And Jesus is only referred to as a carpenter in one of the cannonical gospels.

    [Background: There are four “official” Gospels recognized by the church. There are also a lot of other writings written after his death by other writers that have not been recognized by the Church, hence non-cannonical Gosples such as Mary, Thomas, and so forth. Elaine Pagels is one of the major researches on the non-cannonical gosples.]

  12. Posted July 16, 2008 at 9:35 pm | Permalink

    I think this guy is awesome. He shows me that even a total fuckface can put a song up on the internet and raise enough money to rent a billboard.

    Jesus wasn’t a carpenter. The Bible meant that he was a former member of the Carpenters.

  13. Rosie
    Posted July 19, 2008 at 3:56 pm | Permalink

    When Jesus went to his hometown and taught in the synagogue the people said: “Where did this man get these things?” they asked. “What’s this wisdomthat has been given him, that he even does miracles! Isn’t this the carpenter? Mark 6:2b. There is another reference in Matthew where the same story is told and some of the people say “isn’t this the carpenter’s son?” As I understand it, there aren’t many stories told about his life before his ministry because that wasn’t the important part. If you were Mark or Matthew, wouldn’t you write more about Jesus’s teachings, healings and miracles rather than his skill at building things?

  14. Robert
    Posted July 26, 2008 at 6:04 pm | Permalink

    When the Bush Administration took office, they ushered in a new era of personal responsibility…other people’s.

  15. Mckay
    Posted September 10, 2011 at 10:01 am | Permalink

    Happy 9/11, everyone!

    Here’s hoping the networks make a lot of money selling advertising during their specials.

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