my life and “saved by the bell”

If you ask Linette why she fell in love with me she might tell you that it’s because I called-in sick to work one day, thirteen years ago, because I was hopelessly engrossed in an episode of “Saved by the Bell.” At least that’s what she used to tell people. I’d like to think there was more to it that, but, sadly, I think it’s true.

“Saved by the Bell” is on my mind right now because I just heard that Dustin Diamond, the actor who played Screech on the brilliantly awful Saturday morning television show, is about to lose his home… Life’s not all bad though. I also learned today that the man we all know as Screech has got one hell of a massive wiener… At any rate, wiener aside, he’s going through some hard times.

Screech’s path crossed mine a few years ago in the real world… A band in LA approached Linette and me about doing a story on them in “Crimewave.” The reason we should give them press, they said, was that they had Screech. I forget what he played in the band, or anything else about the package that they sent, but I distinctly remember some awkward phrasing in the letter saying that, while he (Dustin) was trying to put his years as Screech behind him, he would reluctantly answer a few questions, if that’s what it took to get a mention.

So, I had his number here on my desk for a while, but never picked up the phone. Now I hear that he’s just minutes away from being homeless, and suffering from an enlarged penis. I was going to say that I guess we’ve gone “full circle” now, but I have no idea what that might imply. I just liked the way it sounded. Anyway, I feel bad for the guy that he’s losing his house, but after seeing him mercilessly beat up Ron “Horshack” Palillo on Fox’s gutter-trawling “Celebrity Boxing 2” in 2002, I think he probably deserves some of the bad luck coming his way. (I’m sorry, Dustin, but that’s how I feel.)

update: I just learned from Wikipedia that he was the bass player, and the band was called “Salty The Pocketknife.” According to the entry, “The band is rumored to have disbanded, and to have been sued by its label for failing to adequately promote itself.” I guess contacting “Crimewave” doesn’t, in and of itself, constitute a comprehensive marketing campaign.

correction: Linette reminded me last night that it wasn’t the “Saved by the Bell” watching that caused her to swoon. She said that it was just one of many things about me that “impressed” her. Along with my obsessive watching of “Saved by the Bell,” she says she also liked the silver outfit I wore in my band, my veganism, and my experience in historic archeology. None of those things, however, casued her to love me.

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  1. Collin
    Posted June 15, 2006 at 10:52 am | Permalink

    At least it doesn’t if you never call them back.

    Shame on you Mark. You killed their band.

    You didn’t have anything to do with him getting his massive wiener, did you?

    (Oh, and your links are reversed: wiener leads to house and house to wiener)

  2. be OH be
    Posted June 15, 2006 at 12:17 pm | Permalink

    I hear Mark was instrumental in helping the Dman achieve an extra optical inch.

  3. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted June 15, 2006 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

    Correct me if I’m worng, but it sounds to me as though you’re insinuating that Mark shaved Screech’s balls.

  4. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted June 15, 2006 at 1:39 pm | Permalink

    And, for the record, I much prefer their work as “Pepper-Encrusted The Salad Fork”.

  5. chris
    Posted June 15, 2006 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

    Now this is more like it!

  6. mark
    Posted June 15, 2006 at 7:06 pm | Permalink

    My attorney has advised me not to comment on this, but I feel as though it’s become necessary for me to state that I have not ever shaved Screech’s balls. Not even a single hair.

    If he got an optical inch, it sure as hell wasn’t my doing.

    See you in court, be OH be.

  7. be OH be
    Posted June 16, 2006 at 9:01 am | Permalink

    Exhibit A in the trial will be the receipt for the commission you made off the ball shaver sales on Amazon.

  8. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted June 16, 2006 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    And Exhibit B will probably be the ziplock baggie full of “Screech pubes” that you auctioned on Ebay.

  9. kez
    Posted June 20, 2006 at 12:35 pm | Permalink

    Dustin Diamond, best known as geeky Screech Powers on the 1989-1993 teen comedy series “Saved by the Bell,” is selling T-shirts with his photo on them to try to raise $250,000 so he doesn’t lose his gray two-story house under a foreclosure order.

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